The Elephant in the Room
The married stranger was scared when she realized that “this entire conversation has been sexual.” She said something like “when I feel a connection like this I . . .” She left the thought hang, but to me it sounded like she might have done things she regretted under the spell of intense emotional connection. #monagamy
So, the elephant in the room is romantic attraction. How do I know that it's possible to have intense emotional interconnection without it turning romantic and without doing stupid, destructive, empty, hedonistic stuff?
My observation is that most men don't really like women very much. I really, Really REALLY, like women. I like everything about them. Young or old, cranky or sweet, fat or skinny, big boobs or pancake flat, smart as a whip or dumb as a rock, dominant or submissive or lesbian . . . I'm pretty sure that I've found something attractive about every woman who ever crossed my path.
So, maybe I'm a little bit different in that way. I love the emotions. I love the energy. I like the way they smell and I love the way they think, and I love the way they look.
We were in a Christian couples group for a while. I could never understand why, in a couples group, all the men hung out in one room and the women in another. I didn't let it bother me much, though. I hung out with the women. Be damned what the men thought. The women seemed to like me there.
So, I adore women and spend as much time around them as I possibly can . . . and I've never cheated on my wife. In fact, I've never made love to any woman but her. And I don't intend to or desire to. #monogamy
That's not for lack of opportunity. We spent years regulary hanging out with swingers and more years with the kinky perverts who fill North Hollywood's #BDSM dungeons. (If you want to improve your kink or relationship skills, you reach a point where you have to hang out with people who know more than you and are willing to share. You find these people in the “lifestyle” clubs.) As I'll explain in a future entry, sex with others has always been an option for me in our marriage. Also, I don't have any religious or other hang up that would keep me from the hedonistic pleasures. I just want MORE . . . more depth, not more variety. And you can't have both. It's either depth with one or doing the same thing over and over with more than one.
I've thought about this a great deal. There are something like 3 billion women on the planet. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that every single one of them was eager to dive into bed and fuck or suck or to live her life with me, or whatever I desired. Let's say I didn't have to seduce or court or anything. What if I could just have my pick, like King David or King Solomon of Old?
If I could have any number of willing, nubile, women in any combination, what would I really want?
Let's do the math. There are not enough days in a life to fuck 3 billion, even just once each. But let's say I had some staff to pick only the very most attractive so that I could have a harem or series of exactly the ideal number of partners. What would the perfect number be?
Let's say my imaginary staff picked the best of the best, night one with her still wouldn't be perfect because we'd not know enough about each other to really ring one another's bells. I would not want a different one on night two because then I'd have to start all over. No, I'd want to get to know the lady from night one a bit better, maybe ring her bell a bit harder. Maybe spend an afternoon to get to know her better. If Lady One was really was so great, I'd want more time with her, no matter how wonderful Lady Two might be.
We could play this math forever, but I've lived a real life. I met a good woman on the first try. And here we are, almost a lifetime later, still getting to know one another. I still don't know everything there is to know about her. Every day brings some new surprise. I'm not going to live all that much longer, and I doubt I'll have known all of her before I take my last breath . . . so I just don't have enough time to love Lady Two the way I'd want to.
Then there's boredom. After 1 or 18 years getting to know one woman, wouldn't it start to get old and stale? Wouldn't I know her faults better than her virtues? Wouldn't I have staled in her eyes as well? Yes, that happens. So, maybe there's a limit. Get to know a gal fairly well, ring her bell, get my bell rung, then move on before things stale. What would that look like? A new woman every week, every month, year, decade?
This seems to be what our culture teaches now. Get married then divorce as soon as you “fall out of love.” A lot of people seem to think that works. Again, maybe I'm different, but I don't think so. I just got lucky and learned an important lesson before I blew up my marriage. I told you how things felt stale for me because I'd married a prude while I needed kink. Instead of swapping my prude for a wild woman when things hit that first stale point, I set about waking up the wild woman within her. I changed myself. I learned. As I did so, she responded. Then the exciting began anew, as the things hidden within and buried deep became visible. Life developed a pattern of plateaus followed by higher highs. At every plateau, or stale time, I now know that the next high will be even better. We've now climbed to places I never even imagined could exist. That never could have happened if I'd swapped her for Lady Two and started the process all over again at the bottom.
So where do other women come in? Certainly I like being around them. I love feeling connection with them and their energy.
For me, my interractions with other women help me better understand the one that I really want to know. Every time I interract with someone new, I learn something that helps me get closer to the one I wish to know best.
King Solomon learned this lesson long ago and told us about it in Ecclesiastes. As a youth he had wine, women, song and wisdom. As an old man, he said that was all just chasing after the wind. He said real joy is found in serving the Lord. By extension I'd argue that serving one spouse well is . . .