Dumpster-Dancer

Honeymooning on the beach, he asked his new bride if she wanted to go for a swim. It went something like this:

H: Would you like to go for a swim? W: No, It's nice here sitting on the sand with you, but you can go swim if you want. Husband gets up to leave and go swim. W: Please don't leave me here alone. H: You said I could swim. W: Well, you CAN swim, but do you want to leave me here alone?

This little exchange cast a pall on the marriage from which it never recovered. The wife learned that her husband would rather swim than sit on the beach with her. The husband concluded that his wife was “sick” . . . mentally ill.

I recently overheard a young couple in a bar grappling with the same topic. She got a fierce look in her eye, faced him and asked most seriously: “Would you do anything for me?” “Of course not,” he logically replied. To which she shut down emotionally on him before he could explain what he meant.

Of course, no amount of explanation on the literal meaning of “swim” or “anything” could ever erase the emotional pain these failings of our language caused.

In both stories the women were addressing relational topics and the men were addressing literal ones. The first guy was thinking that the conversation was about whether to swim or not. The second guy took his gal's question to some literal extreme like: 'what if she asked me to kill someone?'

The honeymooning wife wanted to bask in relational glow. She wanted to hear her new husband say something like “I'd much rather sit here with you than swim alone.” She could then have responded with something like “I'd love to watch you swim.” From her emotional place she could have seen them batting self-sacrificing, loving options back and forth. He'd have swam. She'd have felt glowy. The marriage might have had a chance. Instead, he sat down with a huff and never did swim. She felt like he cared more about swimming than being with her.

The gal in the bar wasn't asking a literal question about whether or not her guy would, for instance, murder a total innocent for her to prove his love. She was more asking if the relationship had reached a point where he knew that she would never ask him to do anything in violation of his conscience. And, maybe, my extension, she was asking if he felt like she knew him well enough to know where his conscience would lie in most things.

I love these kind of misunderstandings. I love to have them with my own dear wife of many decades. Yes, these misunderstandings hurt, but the hurt is worth it. As we work through these relational puzzles and games, we grow and explore the depths of both our and our lover's souls.