There is this strange conflict residing within me which is that I enjoy being around people but I want to be able to be alone whenever I want.
And even if I am able to leave I sometimes find it hard to find the right moment.
Today was a perfect example of how this conflict sometimes plays out.
Olivia, a highly extroverted, cheerful girl who always tries to include everyone, had just left yesterday morning and went back to Denmark.
We had been hanging out in or in front of her kitchen for the last months and I had always enjoyed being able to join or leave whenever I wanted.
Now, her flatmate Hamed has cleaned the kitchen and basically there's nothing left in it – at least that's how it feels.
Hamed is highly introverted and if I am together with him alone, I get bored after only ten minutes. Together with Olivia the three of us could spend hours.
Anyway, without Olivia's kitchen being a place to be it turned out that my place was now getting more interesting and without ever inviting them I just had my colleague Kristian, Aliya, Benedicte and Ulrich sitting in my kitchen.
Later even Hamed and Wade came over.
I enjoy giving people the opportunity to spend time together.
I also enjoy spending time with people. But I'm not yet really good at hosting them, inviting them or leading collective action.
I assume that this is where the key lies: figuring out what to do together and then taking the lead to help people do it.
As long as that is not happening, the conversation is just flowing uncontrolled and I'm getting bored and then feel guilty for not listening properly.
And then suddenly another guilty question arises: how do you get people out of your kitchen? It feels rude to tell people to leave, but probably subconsciously I am doing that anyway. As the clock approaches midnight, people just leave as if they could sense my unspoken expectation: it was a good day and I liked having you here, but the next day belongs to me and my employer.