Elias

I would like to be there for you on this journey you decided to explore, however far or deep you go. It's much better to have full experience and see both (all) sides or points of view :people_hugging: and then extract important parts from it that you can build on next Thursday, 3. November 22, 14:17

I thought about this for two weeks and one conclusion I reached, besides being profoundly grateful, is that the question is not how far or deep I want to go on this journey, but rather how fast.

It might take more than one lifetime, but eventually I will go all the way, whether I want to or not (although I don't see why I wouldn'tt want to).

Regarding the question of how fast, my first conclusion was that there's no point to rush this. I treat so many things in my life like goals to reach, why this as well? But today my mind changed a bit.

It was probably the most difficult day since you left four weeks ago. I don't know why exactly it was that bad. Maybe it was because yesterday evening I had tried to fill my body with as much energy as possible. It felt great in that moment, but today I imagined my body like a bearing with a grease fitting. You press fresh grease into it until after a while all the old and dirty grease comes out. Maybe it was just that, but maybe it was just all the Karma I had collected in the past weeks that was coming back to me. (By the way, I don't know why I keep collecting Karma all the time. Maybe I want to make my life more interesting and challenging, but maybe I'm just slightly stoopid.)

Anyways, in the morning, down in the workshop, I could feel sadness coming up in me (like old, used up energy pressing out at the edges of my body), and allowing it to flow, it got really intense until literally tears were flowing from my eyes. Then it was good again. But fifteen minutes later, it was back. I allowed it to come, and again, I was almost crippled by it until it left me again. Needless to say, work was also not going great. I was not very focused and I couldn't find an easy solution for the problem at hand. The motor controller was simply broken.

My best interpretation is that this sadness had the purpose of making me fully face the loss of you. It's not unlikely that we already spent our best time together and it's certain that this time is not coming back. I really needed to go through these emotions and reassure myself that life is going to take the right course, that the future is going to be good. You're still alive, and we can still spend as much time together as we both want, there are countless other people in this world to connect with and the future is still completely open. There is no problem.

But there was also this immense destructive energy inside of me, something like anger without clear focus. I simply felt like smashing my phone into the workshop floor or breaking it in two (like I once did) or just punching through my laptop's screen. I did neither and instead found satisfaction in tearing apart the credit card that I never use. Luckily I stopped before I could get to my ID that I also never use.

But the point is this: I want to enjoy my life and I want to support life on this planet, also into the future. It seems like these wishes could come in conflict, but I think they're actually one and the same. However, if I don't get my act straight, I could fail hard with both.

I feel like many people, including myself, limit themselves and their energy in order to limit the harm they cause to themselves and others. It seems like a reasonable strategy until you realize that it's a strategy of “less bad” instead of “more good”. Doesn't seem like the right strategy for the time we live in.

And I don't want to limit myself and my energy to limit my bad influence on the world. Instead I want to become one with the world, train my body to conduct more energy, sustain new and different experiences, tap into new sources of energy and resolve all conflict between myself and the world.

I also understand now, at least intellectually, that the final point of the development of consciousness is not the end of existence – it is the beginning. And reaching this point (or even just the next stage) collectively will not be the end of history – it will be the beginning of a new part of history.

It will change everything, but it will not be the end. We will still live our lives with whatever it is that moves us. So there is no reason to take it slow and wait for the destruction of this world. If we want to get our act together, now is the time to do so.

So... I think I roughly know how to get there, but if you can just check in with me occasionally and kind of gently nudge me to keep going if you see that I've settled in the middle of the path, I would highly appreciate that :)