black
I am scared because, I have scarred myself, one too many times. Tonight, I feel like I am on the verge of another bad week and it doesn't matter if my birthday is in between, it is just a day. I want it to end, all of this. All the thoughts, memories behaviors, and not able to get the right words for what I mean.
I miss him and I am very scared that when I do try to open again, someone, no, everyone will do the same. So, I want to change myself, not just hard and harsh, but different, another and this makes me think like I am two people, at once.
One who wants to love and be loved, touch, and be touched, as everyone else does. Another that knows there is no such thing as loving(touching) and being loved (touched), and I am tired of fighting, acting like I fight, wanting, even at times failing, is a performance.
So what do I do?
When I decide to be one, another picks up an ax from somewhere behind and stealthily comes and cuts my back open. I do that to myself.
I want to be one person, clad in black with long hair and nose pin, somewhere in winter, walking through the cold mess around me. I will smile when I open my door to my warm apartment. My black little cat will come and rub itself against my leg, it will know I am happy, and I will throw my coat over at the coat corner, and sit near the window, read a book, smile at the words, while sipping hot coffee and smoking a cigarette, waiting for death to come.
But do I fly here? Dream my way forward? Try to cry. and read maybe? I know, if I wake up mindlessly, live and sleep, wake up again forever,
I will not.
Is it time to wear black? Move away to a warm apartment, and put the kettle on the stove.
Call out for my cute little kitten, and while I wait for the cat, I will seep for eight hours or so. Maybe if I do the things that lead me there, I will go there. Simple.
like black.