fountainofemotions

Anna's thoughts and creativity

Hey I think I'm basically making this my main “personal” longform blog... Feel free to follow if you want. It's got pockets! And it's federated, too.

https://write.as/fountainofemotions/

My unhealthy and vicious cycle of making/alienating friends

Friends, my apologies, social anxiety; my problems SHOW MORE

I have, I think, an unhealthy .. um, an unfortunate and unhealthy pattern of behavior which I've been seeing in a sort of dissociative way, as if watching on a screen and unable to stop myself. This pattern has been happening for a long time, .. basically, I moved to this island 21 years ago, and for the first 13 I made no friends here nor had engaged in social media as it was so young and I had SAD too. When I made early friends on a forum, it woke something in me, I realized how very much I need friends and people to love, and that I hadn't had it in a very long time. The pattern is me meeting as many people as I can, trying to find people who seem to have potential as friends. It's a headlong rush and I wish I were able to control or halt it better. I have been trying hard to stop that. This is a vicious circle, I think. I tried to make friends but was overexcited, overenthusiastic, too needy and I guess I tried to move too fast into a close relationship. This makes many uneasy and therefore the people drift away to keep themselves safer. This abandonment, as it feels to me at these times, appears to prove that if I don't have more friends then they'll all move away from me, which makes me even more frantic to restart the process.

Now, about a decade later, I still have no personal friends here in Taiwan, to speak of, and this is still going on; in fact, the nature of Mastodon seems to faciliitate it. I see so many people who seem so nice. I spread myself too think and neglect the friends I'm trying to make, so they may think I don't care about them.

I am TRYING to fix this problem I'm trying to pay attention to my behavior and correct it. I am not very successful, but I think if I could only calm down and love myself, I could manage to slow down, stop pressuring people, feel less anxious, focus on building quality friendships with people who seem genuinely willing to invest in such with me. Other friends can be more casual and less intense and still be valid relationships of another type, if types really exist.

I am so sorry folks. I'm a goddamned mess. I know it. I want to be better. My life might depend on me doing this people thing better and not fucking it up all the time.

I'm very sorry. Whoops and here comes the self loathing, right on schedule. shit. sorry friends. I'm doing all I can; it's just not very good or very much. baby steps, maybe?? I do honestly love everyone, that is not bullshit. I care too much, probably, but I'm sincere as hell.

Responses, feedback, suggestions, even anger are welcome...but I hope you're not mad.

Revising and organizing my plans for self love and better mental health, Draft 2

My mental health hasn’t been good for a really long time. It’s getting worse and worse as time progresses. Something really has to give, and soon. This affects my entire life for the worse. Now is a time when self-love and self-confidence could and would come in extremely useful.

• I have been told that it may be useful to start with appreciating little things and build from there. Yes, maybe I can try that. I want to go back to Tumblr and recently at Mastodon and review my Happy Lists—also there’s one at WP.

• And make a list of things that I think I am capable of doing fairly reliably. ◦ Try maybe to add an item daily...something like that.

Maybe I can put the list of • people to follow, • the happy-list, and • this writing here on write.as and • keep that stuff updated, either with redos or replies.

• Write about it and ask or invite people to share any suggestions for addition to the lists. That sounds like a productive approach to me. • If anyone takes an interest in this self-love project—either to encourage me, to hold me accountable, or to join in with me themselves—that’ll be good for me, too.

Maybe this could really help. I know I have a lot of weak points and things I’m not good at, but there are some good qualities, too, and I think, I believe, that I’m basically a good person at heart.

If I can train myself in some of the relevant, relatively weak points, I might be able to improve on them and gain some confidence by noting my progress, and tooting about my improvements—or setbacks, for that matters. Maybe I can make a dedicated write.as for my self-love training. If it works, I could really see a transformation in myself and have all the notes on how I achieved it—step by baby step. All for the better.

Maybe I can also meet new friends this way and build up others to be stronger. I would really love that!! :–) I’ve got to accentuate the positive, babey!

Don’t dwell on setbacks or negative thoughts, fears, and so on! Move on and leave them behind!

Okay, I like this train of thought. For now, I’m feeling better, and my focus is better, too. I should give this all an honest try and pursue a better state of mind. Attitude can change everything.

• Also, I can keep a record of encouraging messages people have sent me—for example, those I got yesterday related to HRT and its effects on the senders’ minds and bodies. All great stuff!

I can read those when I need a boost. That can help, I think—and without fighting or fishing for compliments or whining.

I guess I should avoid thirst posts and lewd responses, to avoid problems like the ones that happened recently. Don’t lose your head. FLY CASUAL! Keep a steady hand on the rudder. Don’t do anything to surprise or upset people—especially younger users (check their profiles first!).

And let’s come up with a way to learn how to depend on others less for my own self-confidence. Don’t let myself be at the mercies of others for how I see myself—and how I feel. The self-love projects may well prove to be what I need to turn that dependence around. That would be great!

Because I know very well, that’s a significant problem for me...but I should be able to grow and mature out of it, with mindfulness as part of my self-discipline.

I owe it to myself to have more belief in my own worth. I am not worthless. There can be a better future for me. And I can make it happen on my own, with dedication to this worthy cause. I have to envision the successes I need and want and deserve.

I’m not stupid, and I’m not such a failure or such a bad person as my stupid mental disorders want me to think. They lie—that’s their main stratagem. Don’t believe what they tell you—they always and only lie, exaggerate, pushing me imagine that all the worst-case scenarios are inevitable, but I have the power, and the volition, to overcome the irrational fears. These voices want me to be destroyed, and I’ll prove them wrong—to show them that I can, and to spite them. I may have some setbacks or relapses, as they happen to everyone, but the overall shape of my future can be a steady, gradual progression of forward motion, of growing strength and resilience.

I’m not alone. People love me. I want them to see me prosper and flourish, and they will be able to realize that it’s possible for them, too. They will be so proud of me! It’s time to quit digging myself in deeper. Time to climb back up to a place of safety and contentment. I can do this. I can do it for myself.

If I’m gifted, I should use what gifts I have, and not waste them: to help myself; to help those in need.

If I’m challenged, I can tackle the challenges one by one until I am successful.

2/4/2019. Working at implementing these ideas in specific ways, getting started at making progress!

I haven't started to make individual lists aside from those I have already started, but here's the state of the project as it is now...

Anna 2/4/2019

Notes from the Capital

1/26/2019 (Saturday) at Auntie 2’s home. I’m surrounded by extended family—relatives by marriage. One group. I don’t know who they were, just left, so it’s a little less noisy now—but now I can make out individual voices and the worlds pull my mind off track. I’m trying to focus, for my mental health. Speaking of which, my mental health hasn’t been good for a really long time. It’s getting worse and worse as time progresses. Something really has to give, and soon. This affects my entire life for the worse. Now is a time when self-love and self-confidence could and would come in extremely useful. Maybe I can try to focus (!) on bolstering it up. But I’m still not feeling like I know how to start. I have been told that it may be useful to start with appreciating little thing, and build from there. Yes, maybe I can try that. I want to go back to Tumblr and recently at Mastodon and review my Happy Lists—also there’s one at WP. And make a list of things that I think I am capable of doing fairly reliably. Try maybe to add an item daily...something like that. Maybe I can put the list of people to follow, the happy-list, and this writing here on write.as and keep that stuff updated, either with redos or replies. Write about it and ask or invite people to share any suggestions for addition to the lists. That sounds like a productive approach to me. If anyone takes an interest in this self-love project—either to encourage me, to hold me accountable, or to join in with me themselves—that’ll be good for me, too. Maybe this could really help. I know I have a lot of weak points and things I’m not good at, but there are some good qualities, too, and I think, I believe, that I’m basically a good person at heart. If I can train myself in some of the relevant, relatively weak points, I might be able to improve on them, and gain some confidence by noting my progress, and tooting about my improvements—or setbacks, for that matters. Maybe I can make a dedicated write.as for my self-love training. If it works, I could really see a transformation in myself, and have all the notes on how I achieved it—step by baby step. All for the better. Maybe I can also meet new friends this way and build up others to be stronger. I would really love that!! :–) I’ve got to accentuate the positive, babey! Don’t dwell on setbacks or negative thoughts, fears, and so on! Move on and leave them behind! Okay, I like this train of thought. For now, I’m feeling better, and my focus is better, too. I should give this all an honest try and pursue a better state of mind. Attitude can change everything.

Page 2

Also, I can keep a record of encouraging messages people have sent me—for example, those I got yesterday related to HRT and its effects on the senders’ minds and bodies. All great stuff! I can read those when I need a boost. That can help, I think—and without fighting or fishing for compliments or whining. I guess I should avoid thirst posts and lewd responses, to avoid problems like the ones that happened recently. Don’t lose your head. FLY CASUAL! Keep a steady hand on the rudder. Don’t do anything to surprise or upset people—especially younger users (check their profiles first!). And let’s come up with a way to learn how to depend on others less for my own self-confidence. Don’t let myself be at the mercies of others for how I see myself—and how I feel. The self-love projects may well prove to be what I need to turn that dependence around. That would be great! Because I know very well, that’s a significant problem for me...but I should be able to grow and mature out of it, with mindfulness as part of my self-discipline. I owe it to myself to have more belief in my own worth. I am not worthless. There can be a better future for me. And I can make it happen on my own, with dedication to this worthy cause. I have to envision the successes I need and want and deserve. I’m not stupid, and I’m not such a failure or such a bad person as my stupid mental disorders want me to think. They lie—that’s their main stratagem. Don’t believe what they tell you—they always and only lie, exaggerate, pushing me to imagine that all the worst-case scenarios are inevitable, but I have the power, and the volition, to overcome the irrational fears. These voices want me to be destroyed, and I’ll prove them wrong—to show them that I can, and to spite them. I may have some setbacks or relapses, as they happen to everyone, but the overall shape of my future can be a steady, gradual progression of forward motion, of growing strength and resilience. I’m not alone. People love me. I want them to see me prosper and flourish, and they will be able to realize that it’s possible for them, too. They will be so proud of me! It’s time to quit digging myself in deeper. Time to climb back up to a place of safety and contentment. I can do this. I can do it for myself. I just had an idea for another kind of list to work on—I will try to remember it tomorrow as I type this up. If I’m gifted, I should use what gifts I have, and not waste them: to help myself; to help those in need. If I’m challenged, I can tackle the challenges one by one until I am successful.

Three Word Prompt: Goose, angular, column

prompt comes from @breakfastgolem@mastodon.social.

Picasso, the great artist, did a goose Quite angular, with corners, like a box He did the goose in wood tones, maybe spruce, And on its webb-ed feet he gave it socks.

Behind it, in the background, one can see Assorted oddities, as is the wont Picasso's always had: a tin of tea, An apple, and a seasoned mastodont.

The goose, it holds its beaky head aloft, A lofty column in the upper left. It has no feathers; which would have been soft; And in their stead are scales. Of wings bereft.

But stranger far than these peculiar features: Its human eyes! Uncanniest of creatures!

Burma Shave

There are many things about my life that should be better. Some are my fault; some are not. Some I will be able to at least attempt to fix; some I dare not or do not plan to try to repair, for several reasons.