I want to feel more useful, but all I want to do is play games, just because it's like the only thing that properly entertains me; it's also the only thing that doesn't stress me out as much, although it does frustrate me because of how I can suck at it and for other reasons too. I am also dealing with personal issues so I guess I can't really do much of anything until these are resolved.

Here are the projects I wish to embark on, some more ambitious than others – this list may not be exhaustive:

  • Learn Go – I kinda like how it works, and how it's only slightly more difficult than Python syntactically in my opinion. The most use I could get out of this so far is to possibly use it with several open source projects that interest me and matter to me like IPFS, gomuks (a Matrix client), fyne (a UI toolkit) and g3n (a game engine). I do find it a little annoying though at least as someone who's most fluent in Python conventions – I am aware of static typing and other conventions as I've used C# and a little bit of C++, but there are best practices I'm not aware of, and I find it necessary but a little annoying to have to try and learn them. For instance, I'm finding understanding error handling a little frustrating and annoying – I've used it at most with Python, which takes on the form of try-catch errors.

  • Learn Rust – I've heard lots of good things about it and how it's sometimes deemed to be a decent alternative (or at the very least a complement) to languages such as C or C++. I believe it's only marginally easier (or much easier, but a little more difficult than most other languages that especially use the C++-based object-oriented paradigm and some others that don't). I don't currently see much use cases for it that matter to me.

  • Learn more Python – I sadly don't see much preferred use cases for it except to replace Bash in my personal workloads when it somehow refuses to work on one little thing. It also is slow especially compared to even Go, and for some reason I kind of prefer the relative independence from C that Go and Rust have.

If I want to be a good programmer I should learn more than one programming language, but I wish to specialize for some reason; I guess it's so that I can be less scatterbrained with my programming knowledge. I find programming inspiring in that I kind of have some power because it lets me control a computer, a device that can perform tasks like calculations and data analysis much faster than a human can, and even create works of art.

  • Learn 3D modeling with Blender – I want to create 3D models especially to create works of art that I can claim as my own, share widely and express what I want that I feel seems to be largely missing in the world of art, like gender non-conformity. I could always try simpler and more traditional art mediums, but I prefer the versatility of 3D models (namely with how they can be viewed from multiple perspectives) and I don't like the art style I seem to inherently have. I feel that it's incredibly daunting for me right now.

  • Develop a game or two – I should be the most familiar with this as I've done this as part of studies (albeit with proprietary game engines). I'm planning to learn how to program with Armory3D but I find using Blender complicated. I'm aware of Godot game engine, which is far easier for me, although I kind of want a challenge and something more graphically appealing than what Godot is capable of. I've heard that games like Pavlov VR have been developed by one person, and I would wish to be like such a person (simply because I prefer to work alone), but there'd be too much for me to learn that I'd be willing to get engaged with (e.g. 3D modeling). I can mitigate this somewhat by releasing my game under an open source license at the very least – it would be nice to have the gameplay idea I have personally manifested to be out there, but not as much the fact that I couldn't decide on something like artistic direction.

  • Learn a new language and/or continue learning languages – I don't like that I'm fluent only in English, but I lose motivation to learn languages quite easily for a wide variety of reasons. I also prefer to be by myself or at least feel like I deserve to be by myself much of the time.

Content warning: mentions of death and sexuality.

Dreamt about me wanting to die because I felt like a pervert or was worried about it, a concern I have in real life; however, in that dream, I was closer to being the gender I wanted to be seen as or I made my gender issues known. I was very hesitant to die and only wanted a poison from the doctor that would kill me painlessly.

Eventually I didn't die, but I still felt guilty while alive, and I think a relative learned about my gender issues, who didn't acknowledge it in the dream (since I woke up) before I could get to that point. I'm a little worried because sometimes I believe dreams can be predictions of my future, which is why I get a sense of deja vu even if I can't remember my dreams.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a straight woman, and I welcome input by all straight women with regards to this post to correct me if I am wrong. I also choose not to date or engage in sexual activity with anyone.

I feel like that if I dated as a straight woman, the whole experience would be, for the most part, quite depressing. Most of my potential dates look ugly on the outside, and if that is not the case or even a concern, they may be ugly on the inside with a terrible personality and repressive beliefs, reducing me to a sex toy and/or a baby making machine, or just a robot. Not to mention my potential partner may feel incredibly insecure about taking up certain pursuits or modes of expression for being seen as “feminine” or “gay”.

If I were not seen with a man though, I would be considered “incomplete” because of repressive beliefs people hold about gender (largely influenced by socially conservative or even fascist religious and philosophical beliefs) – some women have sadly considered this instrumental to their self worth, their attractiveness to men. My potential partner would also do little to maintain the health of the relationship too in large part from gender roles and would not help out physically as much too.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud trying to stand for freedom when I've been a fucked up piece of shit in especially Discord in the past (I've had to delete that Discord account because of it). I've ranted a lot with issues related to gender and sexuality – I've had pretty bad takes on other areas outside of it.

My main issue though, in addition to gender, has always been with capitalism, at least starting with how fan-made videos on YouTube have gotten taken down and how our culture and everything else that we both love and need seems to exist only for money. As much as I find it quite difficult to personally empathize with some movements out there and as much as I still have some problematic ideas about stuff, I'm now seeing it's more and more of a bad idea to not embrace more anarchist and/or leftist views, at least because of stuff like what Pastor Niemöller has mentioned except instead of or in addition to “undesirables”, it's “unprofitables”.

I don't know if it's down to autism or my life experiences or something else entirely, but maybe if I were not diagnosed with autism and/or probably actually didn't have it, and maybe if my life experiences were a little different, I may have better empathy for those who suffer but not in the same way as I do. As for autism (or Asperger's Syndrome as they precisely diagnosed me with then), I personally wish I didn't have it either way because I feel like it's made me get made fun of in a way, and it's in a way amplified some of the traditionally masculine traits of myself that I don't like that others may see from me. I don't want to be seen as a nerd.

This is a test post.