Confessions It's been awhile since I have been able to write here, I guess I did not need it as much which is a good sign. I am still not out of troubled waters though, but more people know about my situation. My husband now knows as well how unhappy I am and that I had an encounter. He has reacted really well actually. I know he is hurt and upset, but not just by that but because I don't know if I want to be with him or not. If he can make me happy. I want him to, he did before, so where did we lose this? He has been so good for me, has helped me through so much in my life, has helped me grow to be a better person, but I don't want him anymore in a physical way. When we have sex, it feels good, ok-ish, but I don't get like I used to with him when we were first together. Bored I guess. We could go a year without being intimate with each other. Maybe that's why I look elsewhere? I know I don't feel attractive to him anymore. I feel like I was this vessel who carried his children and I know he loves me and respects me for this, but I don't feel like a separate person than this for him. I miss that feeling of meeting new people too. The unknown, unfamiliarity, exploring and doing old things with a new person and it makes it feel new. Can one person ever be this for me for the rest of our lives? This is such a hard decision to make because I want both outcomes I feel equally, but which one do I really want? I want to stay in the life my husband and I built because we do have a great life, we really do. He is my best friend right now (well doesn't feel like it right now, but I did feel this way before) has helped me with a lot of things, there are things we do enjoy together. But then I am also bored with him if that makes sense. But I also really like our life too. And then I see me alone, no one else to worry about (except my kids, that will never go away. I will always be a mother and they will always be and take part of me) only myself to decide what to do, what to eat, when to eat, where to go, what to do. I have never in my life lived alone. I know I can support myself, and part of me regrets never trying to be by myself. I always lived with family or room mates or partners, never ever on my own. And I worry If I make the wrong decision? What if I stay and then realize oh shit, ya, i really don't want this. Am I giving false hope then only to break hearts again. What if I do leave, and miss him and want him back and then its too late? What if one of these is the right decision? I don't know how to decide for myself. I know deciding to leave is the hardest decision to make and I am probably blocking myself. I need to work past those feelings of guilt and hurting others to make this decision truly for me, and what will be best for me, because If its best for me and I am happy, then those around will be able to take on this positive energy I put forward. Right now going through my head is something my husband said to me. In all his relationships he was either cheated on or not enough and wanted to know what's wrong with him. That just put another arrow through my heart because the woman he wants and loves just basically told him both of those things and it hurts me so bad to hear him say this. He needs to understand he is enough for himself and that is all that matters, you can't control anyone else's feelings, emotions, reactions, only your own, so make it enough for you. I have been reading this book and I came across something yesterday that has really resonated with me: Sometimes we have to leave what we know to find out what we know