I write better when I feel like shit

I went back to make right all the wrong I have done. Out of instincts I would justify the reason for some. The feeling of belonging of course would cause one. But words won't make right what I did with that gun.. I would drink from the cup of lust and greed. Stay up all night snort coke and take speed. Wake up first light and feel my heart beat. Thinking god damn this sucks can I just skip this whole week. Fill the spaces in life with money and freaks. Ended up in a hotel rooms with folks they call geeks... at the end I am empty like shell cases I'm beat may the jugde please have mercy on me..

Ones stops one starts.. I'm here to play a part to someone who hardly knows me.. meanwhile I'm absent In picking up the wreckage that I have left behind.. I'm not a tornado.. more like a domestic terrorist.. none creates a problem like me.. I'm stuck between loving the chaos and self hatred.. please for the love of god let me find the one I'm so tired of this shit.. I have everything I'll ever need. Relatively successful in most things I do but when it comes to my mind and heart I'm a god damn child I'm hurt by one so I use that pain against the other. I know the only way to stop it is to love right but that's alot of work... maybe I can start here by telling you.. I'm not in love with myself but I'm with me every day and I'm abusive.

I remember the first time I felt like it may be to deep to handle. A guy named Joey who I had crossed paths with was sitting across the room in a dope house. He looked at me tired, I was nauseous and nodding in and out of cotiounsness. He said are you alright?.. I looked at him cause I knew he could see it.. I was sick.. I dont mean in the since of dope sick god knows I had plenty to make it another day or two. I was sick of this life everyday getting off work. Having to go to these places to hide from my loved ones so they wouldn't have to see me kill myself slowly.. sick of that feeling creeping up on me that if I dont call him to drop it off I'll have to drive and wait in the car for him to show up so I can just go to sleep and pass another day by.. he looked worse than me maybe just a couple of more years of the life style.. maybe just one more car wreck or deal gone bad that left him stretched a little longer than he could handle without detoxing... I looked at him and said how long have we been here.. “I've only been here 20 minutes” he said I said no.. it's been years.. He looked at me and dead in the eyes and said “oh that.. yeah buddy..we've been going a long time” you have to understand that in this moment in the middle of all the madness 2 strangers had a connection.. the conversation split into 2 separate planes of existence. One direction it was just the same old shit. The other was a road of honesty and open heartedness between 2 junkies who had done things seemingly unforgivable and downright destroying to there lives and loved ones.. I was ready to have that conversation that day.. and I've never talked to him again.. I live a good life while writing this today.. but sometimes I still feel sick and I think about these moments

I'm so hurt I can't even think to put the words on paper right now. I like to think of myself as a good looking guy. I have givin into things recently that have just got me upside down in my life. I haven't had a drink in a very long time. These things are alot deeper. I have a problem with women I'm very good at striking up the conversation and gaining interest. Recently I met someone that I was getting close. Close to finally letting go of the fear and just jumping. Telling her everything that I think about myself and the world around me. I saw her watching me cut grass at the house building in my shop downstairs while she does her make up. It takes her 3 hours to get ready she knew in this vision/dream that she could tell downstairs and just say she almost ready and I can get ready in 30 minutes or so and be as presentable as I ever could be. I was her man.. we hung out one day and had an amazing time. The next she came over we hooked up and it was amazing. Today we had plans to cook and just hang out at the house. I got ready shaved went to the store and got her her favorite cheese dip and some tenderloin filets. I got a message that she just isnt ready to be what I needed.. I'm currently in my living room stuck between pain and motivation. I have to let go of some of these habits that are killing my soul. I keep looking for something outside to fix a problem going on inside and I need help. God she is amazing. Is it just another? Do I not give up? What's the line between crazy and in love..

Plans were made. Words were said, even though the time was bad. Music sounded better when you were around. Now I'm stuck between pain and motivation. With happiness and progress as a distant relation. I can see you but your gone, hear you with no voice. I've typed 100 text just to erase and regress. Work doesn't matter, I'm stretched with no stress. All I can feel is this pain in my chest. Cause deep down I know for you I'm the best.. and all money does is compile and collect but this house is to be for just me and my head. How do I sleep without you in my bed. Maybe one day I'll tell you how close I was to begging.. I dont even know you all you did was wear leggings.