Currently 10:30 PM-
I dont cry often.. I'm not crying now. The pain is more of a continuous occurrence. Like the blade of a shovel hitting the cold dirt. Again going a little deeper everytime. With intervals in between restoring hope. Mainly just getting me used to the new depth. All of the sudden I'm better than YOU courage is restored I start a conversation with a beautiful woman showing her only my best sides like a bird with beautiful colors. Kind if the situation calls for it. egotistical if threatened by dominance knowing damn well I'm better and worse than any that she has ever encountered... I have a story for her. A plan. A life.. we make love sometimes for a year.. sometimes just once.. I leave a piece of myself in her bed.. if she loves me I leave.. if I love her she never stays. The blade comes down strikes the dirt again and I'm here.. so far down nothing but walls surround me in this self made prison.
I went back to make right all the wrong I have done. Out of instincts I would justify the reason for some. The feeling of belonging of course would cause one. But words won't make right what I did with that gun.. I would drink from the cup of lust and greed. Stay up all night snort coke and take speed. Wake up first light and feel my heart beat. Thinking god damn this sucks can I just skip this whole week. Fill the spaces in life with money and freaks. Ended up in a hotel rooms with folks they call geeks... at the end I am empty like shell cases I'm beat may the jugde please have mercy on me..
Ones stops one starts.. I'm here to play a part to someone who hardly knows me.. meanwhile I'm absent In picking up the wreckage that I have left behind.. I'm not a tornado.. more like a domestic terrorist.. none creates a problem like me.. I'm stuck between loving the chaos and self hatred.. please for the love of god let me find the one I'm so tired of this shit.. I have everything I'll ever need. Relatively successful in most things I do but when it comes to my mind and heart I'm a god damn child I'm hurt by one so I use that pain against the other. I know the only way to stop it is to love right but that's alot of work... maybe I can start here by telling you.. I'm not in love with myself but I'm with me every day and I'm abusive.
I remember the first time I felt like it may be to deep to handle. A guy named Joey who I had crossed paths with was sitting across the room in a dope house. He looked at me tired, I was nauseous and nodding in and out of cotiounsness. He said are you alright?.. I looked at him cause I knew he could see it.. I was sick.. I dont mean in the since of dope sick god knows I had plenty to make it another day or two. I was sick of this life everyday getting off work. Having to go to these places to hide from my loved ones so they wouldn't have to see me kill myself slowly.. sick of that feeling creeping up on me that if I dont call him to drop it off I'll have to drive and wait in the car for him to show up so I can just go to sleep and pass another day by.. he looked worse than me maybe just a couple of more years of the life style.. maybe just one more car wreck or deal gone bad that left him stretched a little longer than he could handle without detoxing... I looked at him and said how long have we been here.. “I've only been here 20 minutes” he said
I said no.. it's been years..
He looked at me and dead in the eyes and said “oh that.. yeah buddy..we've been going a long time” you have to understand that in this moment in the middle of all the madness 2 strangers had a connection.. the conversation split into 2 separate planes of existence. One direction it was just the same old shit. The other was a road of honesty and open heartedness between 2 junkies who had done things seemingly unforgivable and downright destroying to there lives and loved ones.. I was ready to have that conversation that day.. and I've never talked to him again.. I live a good life while writing this today.. but sometimes I still feel sick and I think about these moments