Bowling pins
I used to be a christian. The dogmatic kind. To me, a dogma is just a tiny piece of faith. You believe in 6 day creation. You believe all non-believers go to hell. Those are dogma's. Tiny pieces of truths in a bigger belief system.
I believed everything my parents, the church and the christian schools taught me. Lucky for me, they never contradicted each other. The world was simple, there were many truths. On top of that, I was a special one, for being in the know. In a world where both Christians and non-Christians believe so many wrongs, I grew up in a world of truths. So lucky.
I was gay. Am gay. The moment my bisexuality became a fact, something else became a fact: God hated me. What's that word again? Abonimation. The Dutch word 'gruwel' sounds even worse. I would maybe translate it as 'awful'. Well, that's what I was now. Afwul in Gods eyes. It was one of the truths that was taught me. I was never taught to doubt the truth.
Immediate faith crisis. Life crisis. Did God love me? Did God hate me? Was I blamed for something that I just happened to be, without ever choosing so? Would I be okay except and until I started dating females?
I connected with Christian Gays over the internet and in support groups. It was a very slow and painful process, but I learned a new truth. God loves gays. It took me years to start believing I was actually fine. But I now was different. I had fallen out of my faith system. There was a childhood-truth I couldn't see as truth anymore. I had replaced it with my own.
Other truths were changed trough the years. First slowely. I struggled with female ministry for many years. As a theological student, I had the option of becoming a minister some day, but not in my church. I realised this was discrimination. I realised this was telling all the young girls in all the churches they were 'less then'. They were equal in society, could become everything they want, but in church, the holy place, they could only consumate, not contribute (fuck all males who'll respond to this with 'well they can lead the childrens club, clean or serve coffee').
I struggled with bible texts for years. I realised they were discriminating, but they were there. In my faith system, every verse was a dogma. Couldn't let them go. But I was a theology student. They taught me to look to the message of the whole book, not just the verse. They taught me to study the culture the letter (most New Testament books are actually letters to churches) was sent to. Then I realised, the bible was giving women freedom. In culture, they were slaves, in church, they were equals. It was not easy, but it felt like the right thing to change my mind again. Women should be equal in my church too. (Surprisingly, my church changed its mind around the same time I did. We have woman ministers now)
Hell had to go. My little brother, my favourite person in the whole world, became an atheist (that's how I remember it, he claims he was an agnost). I couldn't blame him for that. You can't believe what you don't believe. It's not a choice, a faith change is just something that... happens. 3 weeks I was in despair that he would burn or suffer for eternity, but then I remembered Gods love. God who created my brother loved him more than I ever could. Again, I couldn't explain the bible texts, but I knew there was nothing to worry about. Whether my brother believed it or not, God was his father, not his torturer. I got a little help from Rob Bell with this one.
6 day creation had to go too. I just got tired of defending it. So many of the arguments I was taught were just irrational. There were probably no literal Adam and Eve, so I was confused about 'original sin'.
Being against euthanasia went away quite early. I realised believing in free will and in a world with different opinions should mean letting the other do what they want, even when you think it's a mistake. I still struggle with abortion. I want every woman to have agency about their own body, and I want every unborn baby to get a chance to live.
God being all male? That stopped being logical. I started training myself to see trinity as non-binary, God and Jesus as males, Wisdom/Christ as female, and the Holy Spirit as female. I guess God is above gender (which they invented), and they use whichever one they think convenient at a certain time.
The more dogmata fell, the faster the process went. The first truths took years to drop, lately it took just seconds.
I read a lot of spiritual literature. Zen masters, Buddhists, Mystics, modern teachers, and dialogues. When I found Neale Donald Walsch' conversations with God, I had no doubt this was a true book. Not a doubt. It made sense to me God would communicate like this. I started reading and it was like my dogma's were bowling pins, and God had a big ball aimed towards them.
Every page, He hit another pin. I can't tell you all the dogma's He changed, for that you'd have to read the book. But I'll name a few.
So you believed there were only humans in the universe? Not a chance. There's aliens everywhere, some are even visiting or monitoring you. So you think you lived only once, to be followed by a bliss-full eternity? Nah dude, you reincarnate hundreds of time.
Jesus was God (is God) incarnated, but so am I. I am a part of God who chose to forget who I am so I can experience how great I am.
So God went bowling trough my beliefs. I guess I no longer believe Jesus died for my sin. Or in sin, for that matter. I guess the bible is no longer holy, but still a beautiful mythology.
I am greatful. My faith expanded. I feel bigger now. I feel better now. But also confused. I'm a closeted panentheist, assumed to be christian. I have a faith community, which I'd like to keep. I have a family that would believe I'd be on my way to eternal damnation, if they knew what I believed.
So what do I do? What do I say to my bible study group, to my family members? How to be honest and not kicked out?