I’ve been hesitating sharing this, all of this. I have many ill and chronically ill friends and I don’t want to give even one of them, for even one second, the impression that I know the magic cure to what is bothering them. I don’t want to suggest or imply you all should be doing what I am doing. I just don’t want to be quiet any longer. Right now this is a big part of my life and I want to share this part with the people who care about me. So let’s be very clear about this. This is not about you and about what you should be doing or believing. This is only about me.

So, I read a book one day. The book, communing with the devine by Barbara Y. Martin taught me about God and angels. It was really interesting, but not lifechanging. Until the end.

It gave me a new instruction for meditation. I’ll leave out the details, but it asked me to think about what I wanted to receive from the universe before meditating. I decided to try it. I decided to meditate every day during advent with this new instruction. I got candles and everything, because I hate noticing my own breath. (I try to focus on candles instead of my breath.)

Day 1 I asked the universe to help me to know what I wanted most. Day 2 I asked what I could do to get healthy. At the end of the meditation I had the sense either my fear was causing my illness, or it was blocking the cure. Day 3 I asked what was behind my fear. I started to sense there was something big there I didn’t want to face. Day 4 I asked to help me to face what was behind my fear.

Day 4 I went to bed in the evening and there was a thought in my head that didn’t feel mine.

“I am Archangel Michael and I’m going to stand next to your bed the whole night.”

“Okay what?”

“I am archangel Michael and I’m going to stand next to your bed the whole night.”

“Okay why?”

“You asked me to.”

I don’t remember asking anything.

“Your higher self asked me when you were meditating.”

I got the sense Michael was bigger than the room. So him being there had the side effect the up- and downstairs neighbours would be blessed as well. I got the sense that he was holding a weapon in his hand. (A week later another book [sorry, can’t figure out which book] confirmed he is holding a sword)

This meditation was a little more powerful than I bargained for. Day 4 and I was inviting archangels to my house? Woah. WOAH WOAH WOAH. Hold on. Slow down. I got something here. If you ask the universe sincerely to help you, you envoke all kinds of magic.

I didn’t meditate again for the rest of the year.

Time passed and it gave me a time to think of what I wanted. It was clear what I wanted. I wanted to get cured from this terrible illness called ME/CFS. I wanted to get better at take care of myself and do all the things healthy people get to do all day.

I didn’t know how. I now believed I could be healed, but was meditating really enough. Didn’t I need guidance? Didn’t I need someone to guide me?

Well, I guessed there were angels on my side. They were clearly involved in my life. I guess since I don’t have money to pay anyone and not enough spoons to travel to anyone, all I could do is trust my spiritual guides. I already experienced how powerful meditation can be so I figured.. next year I’ll meditate every day. I’m going believe I can get healthy and see what happens next.

What happened next is I started to believe in the book I was reading. The journey by Brandon Bays. I had bought it since it was on a 80% discount and the cover looked interesting. This was in a period in my life I was buying more books than my own budget allowed me.

So the book started crap. The author had a tumor and she decided to ignore advice from her doctor. I hated her. Does she know how much privilege it takes to go against a doctor? She started eating super healthy. Again, not something I can do. I’m not able to cook my own meals anymore. She traveled the world and visited all her spiritual friend for advice.

My attention peaked when during a massage, she was asked to go inside her body and see what emotions she found there. She ended up in a childhood memory and at the end of it forgave everyone involved. That night she could feel her tumor started shrinking.

I don’t know exactly why I didn’t call it all bogus but instead started to believe in the book. But I did. I guess it must be because of what she later described when she was going into the emotion. She found inside of every emotion was another emotion. Until there wasn’t. Until everything was black. And when she jumped into the black, she didn’t fall. She was flying.

This rhymed with my own experience. I knew there was something behind my fear. I didn’t know what. I started describing my fear as a wall protecting me from whatever was behind the wall. I started to believe I needed to look behind the wall to get healthy.

I was hungry for knowledge. At this point I still believed meditating by myself was my only option. But I needed to know more about this Brandon Bays and what she was offering now. She now teaches people how to heal themselves and others, calling her program ‘the journey’. I found her website and exchanged my emailadress for free meditations.

Only a few days passed until they started using my emailadress to promote their free webinar. Of course, the free webinar was only to promote the paid webinar. Also the free webinar was in the middle of the night in my timezone. But I decided to sign up.

I got an email asking me to share with them what I was expecting from the webinar. I decided to write them. I was as open as I was in this blogpost so far. I was honest and vulnerable and I had no idea if anyone would ever read my words or if I’d just get an autoreply.

The new year started and I started meditating. No miracles yet. Just a lot of struggles with attention and focusing and getting itchy. But I was so determined in anything I did. I was so sure this was the year I would get better. And then the emails started coming.

Apperently my email to ‘the journey’ touches everyone who reads it. W. decided to give me 3 free ‘the journey’ sessions with a practioner in training. She forwarded the email to coworker N. to make that happen. N. decided to give me free access to the paid webinar (called the journey intensive) and indeed forwarded my email to S. in Sweden who started to work with me.

If any emotion stands out from this period, it’s bliss. I felt so blessed by the whole universe. These were people whose businessmodel was to make me pay money, but doing the opposite somehow. They honestly believed they can help me heal myself, and they decided to give me that gift. I cried for hours out of pure happiness. And with every follow up email, some as mundain as asking where I live, I started crying again. More than these people helping me, I felt like the holy universe was helping me. I had asked. No, I hadn’t even asked, I just intended. And the help was flowing in.

For a full week I was on a cloud of bliss because of the kindness given to me. The second week was bliss combined with a lot of PEM and frustration about PEM, so less blissful. On the 15th I had the call. THE call. The zoomcall with S. The first of my three sessions.

All week I had been thinking about this poem:

Come to the edge. We can’t, we’re afraid. Come to the edge. We can’t, we might fall. Come to the edge. And then they came. And he pushed them. And they flew.

I knew I had to come. I knew I had to not let myself stop me, but actually go through my fear and come to the edge, knowing I’d fly once I’m there.

All day I prayed for 3 things. Bravery to overcome my fear. Faith in my own healing power. A good internet connection and a stable laptop.

2 days later, I can confidently say, 2 out 3 prayers were answered. We overcame the internet issues by installing zoom on my phone. From then on the connection was flawless (except once, but then it was actually helpful).

This is getting lengthy, and the journey I went on (it really was a very long journey) would take at least as many words to type so I’m keeping most of that to myself.She brought me into a meditative state but let me sense all kinds of things in there. Let’s just say there was a guru, a body part, a campfire, a flying session, a city in the sky, a lost loved one, a lot of emotions, and finally, I heard myself say: ‘I don’t think there’s another emotion in here, but it’s very dark.’

I was asked to go into the darkness. I didn’t want to. I knew this was the edge from the poem. I knew this was what I’ve been scared of. I knew I had to overcome my fear and walk inside. So I did. I was on a carpet, and on the count of 3 the carpet would be pulled away. I really thought I was going to fall. I really thought so, but I knew I had to do it. The carpet was pulled away.

I was flying.

The darkness was gone. I was in the light now. Inside the light was another light. Inside the brighter light was me. Inside me was my body (That’s interesting! I’m bigger than my body). I went inside myself and expanded. This is were the connection failed and having no idea my instructor was gone, I assumed the silence meant I had to keep expanding. I sensed myself growing bigger. I was the oceans. The mountains. Planet earth. The solar system. The universe. I thought it would end there but it didn’t. There were other universes, other dimensions. I was bigger than everything. Everything was inside me. I was God. (Wow, don’t think I have a super big ego, I think everyone is God.)

This is not the end of the journey, but again, details. After 100 minutes I opened my eyes. Was I reborn? Was I cured? Nah, for now I was just tired.

The next day I crashed (PEM).

That night in bed I tried to go back to the flying sensation, like I was instructed to. When I was flying, I felt compelled to make myself small again and go inside my left foot. I started proclaiming health on it. I went to my stomach. I started telling it it was healthy. I went from body part to body part, telling everyone the good news. “You are now beginning your journey towards healing.” I proclaimed health on every body part and then on any body part I might have forgotten. I proclaimed tomorrow I would be able to go out to my apointement without crashing afterwards.

I felt even more powerful than in my journey session. In the session I had experienced I was God, now I was acting like it. I was convinced I had power over my body parts and they would listen to my command to heal.

The next day I went out and came home again, without crashing.

That’s all. The rest of the journey didn’t happen yet. I’m sure you know by now I’m convinced I will be healed from ME/CFS soon. I’m sure you are still convinced of the opposite.

Time will tell.

But even if I was wrong, and I’ll stay ill for the rest of my life... this was one wild adventure that I didn’t want to have missed.