I think for the few years it has been nothing but laterally moving through life. No real breakthroughs, just replacing things with other things that seem better at the time but in the end, serve the same purpose and have the same drawbacks. Whether it be new relationships, friends, hobbies and so on. I haven't moved beyond. Not to say I am deeply unhappy, if anything the opposite. I am deeply cosy and content! I just find myself often longing for more, which is not fair on those around me. I want to be out of my comfort zone and reaching for different opportunities but I so self-absorbed it's hard to move on. There is life beyond the myriad of complexes keeping me rooted.
This thought definitely has been highlighted because of lockdown but I feel it's been somewhere inside me for a while. It's a nice revelation to have as it inspires change, and also helps recognise the things you want to keep around. I have lots to be grateful for and am by no means badly done to in the grand scheme of things. Loving partner, supportive friends, family who care.
I think the main focus for me in the not so distant future is to cement my 'career'. The word sends shivers down my spine...its so eternal and all-consuming. I am afraid of chasing the jobs that I actually want in case I fail and don't bounce back. I am so used to my own bubble of mediocrity that stepping out of it will take a lot of will-power from my end. I want to crawl into a ball and disappear whenever I open my C.V. Some friends have offered to help but I don't even want to get them involved and put good words in where they can. I then feel like I may in some way let them down/jeopardise their reputation in some way. It's all fluff, fluff that I have put in place to keep me firmly tied to the spot I'm in right now.
What weighs more, a ton of fluff or a ton of regret?
I have been on a bit of an exercise binge, relatively speaking. Did a big cycle on Wednesday, 35 Miles and 1,800ft of elevation. Oof. Then a run today, followed by a cycle again on Sunday! The weather did a 180 here in the UK, from 0 to 15 degrees in one week, it made life much easier.
I submitted some work for an online exhibition surrounding my hometown of Hull, they loved the work so that is good. The images are a few years old so it is nice to see them mature and create a narrative over time. Will post them when they have been released in-case anyone is interested. :)
I just wanted to write here to recognise some positive bits that have helped me out in the last few weeks. The people in London are rejoicing over the fireball in the sky, the weekend is here, and I am pooped!
I am coming up to 40 days of Haikus on whereitsdue and had some reflections on the works. I am going to continue creating the little poems. It has opened up a little space for me to explore working with the written word, something I have never really done before. It's like a puzzle I can play with forever. I didn't really know anything about Haikus and still have done minimal research, my S/O got me some Valentine's gifts and one of them was a book on Basho along with a notebook to write my poetry (seriously the most thoughtful gift I have received in a long time). Basho does not abide by the 5,7,5 rule, they are much shorter pieces that are so pure and illustrative that it makes the 5,7,5 format seem excessive for the purpose of the poem, too much room to manoeuvre a theme. I would like to try be less strict with my own to greater express the moods and themes I will be trying to convey. With less or more syllables, I don't really mind. Just a more relaxed approach to it. One other method that fascinated me was the use of 'break' or ' cutting word'. It is essentially one line that sets the condition/situation. It can appear anywhere in the poem, to indicate its significance it is followed by a hyphen.
Spring air –
and plum scent.
On the dead line
squats a crow -
Both Basho pieces :)
On another note, things are going good. I had the pleasure of leaving the house to go work on a shoot in a studio where I spoke to other humans and reminded myself I do exist beyond these 4 walls. The difference in mood from one day to the next after the shoot was astounding, I can get so bogged down in my own headspace its quite frightening sometimes. I hope that seeing this difference is a gentle nudge to go be human once in a while as my brain likes it a lot.
Hope you are all well, I will try update here more as its greatly therapeutic.
Not a day goes past
It stands perfectly still
Murmurs drift in the hedgerows
The fear of being succeeded
Not by fellow man, but by a shortcoming
that will relinquish every last atom
The crushing blow
Winter called and now calls
Every hour is yours to lose
For daylight bites your heals
Freefalling through the bracken
Go forth and be
The chicken casserole is on and I have pretty-much finished work for the day. I feel myself leaving the grey cloud I've been living in the last 3 weeks. I also quit inhaling nicotine yesterday, I was an avid vaper and have been on and off the damn thing all year but I have had enough. The fear of one day finding out I have 2 wet plastic bags for lungs really got the better of me. Its been over 2 years since I had a cigarette and I still sometimes miss them, but its just the feeling of one. If I actually chowed down on a rolley I would instantly be sick, which is good. My little failsafe. Since stopping vaping, I have been constantly snacking, trying to keep my mind off the thing. Nicotine gum got purchased this morning so I wouldn't be in a terrible mood, but by next week that should be regular no-nicotine gum.
I sent my bike in for its yearly service, with an LBS (that's bike talk for “Local bike shop”, apparently we don't have time for the unabbreviated version) which is great as its winter and I am riding much less. I can't wait for summer and for touring with friends providing the COVID situation improves. I have been hankering a trip to the Scottish highlands, I have read about some good gravel routes in that kneck of the woods. I also want to invest in a Bivvy bag for those overnight stays, makes touring way more relaxing. No rush to get somewhere by a certain time, just cycling till you find a sweet spot to camp and roll it out. I am going to have to do some training before I even think about doing this. I haven't really left my chair for 3 months. Feeling like a spud.
Ciao for now
This is one edgy ID for my blog, I used to use Tumblr back in its heyday and it would have gone down a treat. I think I might change it sometime soon as long as I can think of something that works for me.
This ID comes from a book I made a long time ago, filled with photographs from me growing up in late teens early 20's between the North and London. I will share a picture at the end of the blog, although it works much better in its full form. Its a piece of work that I will always be proud of. I still revisit and look at the pictures regularly. I play on contrasts of place and being, how they fluctuate alongside personal growth as you remain constant, just bouncing through time, not always smoothly, in fact, its mostly a turbulent ride. The bad and good moments shape us to be the plastered together humans we are, here and now.
Hello all, I am the bloke who gives you a little poem each day. I decided to make another blog for rambles and to write about other things I'm interested in. I was previously merging the two but it seemed messy to me, maybe im just being fussy. It's only a blog for crying out loud. Short and sweet today, just wanted to reintroduce myself under this alias.
Bye for now