The lateral move

I think for the few years it has been nothing but laterally moving through life. No real breakthroughs, just replacing things with other things that seem better at the time but in the end, serve the same purpose and have the same drawbacks. Whether it be new relationships, friends, hobbies and so on. I haven't moved beyond. Not to say I am deeply unhappy, if anything the opposite. I am deeply cosy and content! I just find myself often longing for more, which is not fair on those around me. I want to be out of my comfort zone and reaching for different opportunities but I so self-absorbed it's hard to move on. There is life beyond the myriad of complexes keeping me rooted.

This thought definitely has been highlighted because of lockdown but I feel it's been somewhere inside me for a while. It's a nice revelation to have as it inspires change, and also helps recognise the things you want to keep around. I have lots to be grateful for and am by no means badly done to in the grand scheme of things. Loving partner, supportive friends, family who care.

I think the main focus for me in the not so distant future is to cement my 'career'. The word sends shivers down my spine...its so eternal and all-consuming. I am afraid of chasing the jobs that I actually want in case I fail and don't bounce back. I am so used to my own bubble of mediocrity that stepping out of it will take a lot of will-power from my end. I want to crawl into a ball and disappear whenever I open my C.V. Some friends have offered to help but I don't even want to get them involved and put good words in where they can. I then feel like I may in some way let them down/jeopardise their reputation in some way. It's all fluff, fluff that I have put in place to keep me firmly tied to the spot I'm in right now.

What weighs more, a ton of fluff or a ton of regret?