guerrilla journals

This is my attempt at being what I always thought myself to be. Of being truly, exceptionally, dully a person who writes. Commonly known as a writer.

I am Guerrilla and I write things.

See? Simple.

Now if only I believed that. Because, to write, I would actually have to write something. And to write something would mean having to sit down and put thoughts to paper (or keyboard) and if you put thoughts to keyboard that makes them real. Being a writer means writing things and putting myself out there and spending time alone with myself and my thoughts and my own creativity and what if there is too much likeness in that character or what if I actually can't do it?

What if I fail?

What if I am not perfect and all my thoughts and hopes and dreams time spent wasted on a keyboard amount to nothing? What if I hate what I've done? What if I've invested all of this time into caring about my own fucking opinion just to not even deliver for myself?

What if I spent the last seventeen years of my life dreaming up stories because I was just a bored kid and this isn't a calling? This isn't interesting? This isn't noteworthy?

(I realize I like to pair my thoughts in batches of three. Like death. Doesn't that also come in sets of three? Is that the saying?)

I think I also don't write because I enjoy instant gratification. I want to do things. Right now. In this moment. Writing something, telling a story, that takes time and craft. That means a future. And I don't do futures. I don't do tomorrows. I want to be myself and happily so right now, and breaking my back and ripping out my hair right now on something that could be a story tomorrow...

Why do this to myself when lying on the couch eating popcorn and watching Charmed Season 3 for the 30th time is so much more alluring?