Vaidas Bagdonas

For as long as I can remember I've been a recreational smoker. I never could admit I'm smoking. When somebody would ask me if I smoke and offer me a cigarette I'd shoot back “Ahh, I don't know. Okey, what the hell”. For the past half a year or so I'm a regular smoker...

I did not admit it because I'm aware of all the reasons you shouldn't but still happen to smoke. It did clear my mind, reduce my anxiety. And I go way back with that feeling of needing to numb myself. Without actually solving the underlying problem or seeing through my emotions. Without realising why I was feeling the way I was feeling and why I wanted to hide that feeling. I'm used to taking shortcuts I would say and it's hard to admit that I'm rarely thinking long-term. Though of course I'm the one who's living my life and it's up to me to decide my path but still it worries me.

Smoking is something that connects through my life. Up till my late school days, through my university studies, handling relationship-induced stress. A common party activity, an anti-anxiety cure after my brake-up and loneliness during my time I abroad. This unhealthy ritual carries so many memories and feelings. It might be that I'm used to the feeling it gives, and cannot bare to handle it when I'm off nicotine. It also may be the emotional attachment. Either way you think about it I'm making excuses. I did try to quit many times and failed.

It so happens that every issue, from my perspective, is a reflection of inner struggle. It highlights that something is not OK and I need to take a deeper look at it otherwise why'd be numbing myself?

They say, if you have a writers block write as bad as you can. Meeting the daily word count with bad writing is better than a blank page! Could it be possible to transfer this analogy to other aspects of life in need of attention? The most neglected is my creative side. It's always in the back of my mind that I want to write a book, create digital art, maybe even create music, learn one more language. The dedication for my developer career and failing relationships was a drag. It drained any drop of creativity I had. And I've been in that rabbit hole for more than I can remember – around 10 years. It's natural that it's going to be hard to shift different gear. Though I cannot blame anyone but myself.

I see no other way though to combat or nourish my wants and needs. It doesn't matter how bad is the outcome or how minimal the step forward is. It's still progress. It's better than a blank page.

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