hope

Another thing.

It's come to my attention over the past few months and weeks that I really am nothing specially. In fact, I lost a lot of my oomph and determination to make things work.

Maybe I should make things less comfortable for myself?

But how can I make thing worse when wincing to spend $22 on Valentine's Day chocolate is already bad enough?

Anyways.

When I read, I don't focus nearly as much as I did before, and I don't remember things. I have so many pages dogearred on “Originals”, but I know I don't remember most of it. Is it a memory thing, or is this normal?

I used to think that I was special, that I was going to be somebody, that I had talent, and now I realize that I'm actually not special at all, maybe even below average. No one will mourn me when I'm dead, and I'll have no contributions in this world because I'm not a scientist or a wordsmith.

And the research I've read recently suggests that we don't really get more talented as we get older. We more or less stay the same.

Is that depressing news or what?

I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how much of this is genetic, how much of this is diet-based, how much if lifestyle-based, and how much is just fate.

I'm slowly becoming a vegan and trying to lower my salt, sugar, and processed food intake. Hopefully that can help things, but I just don't know.

I know that negative self-talk isn't a good thing for your outlook and motivation and all that jazz, but I just need to get it out, you know? I spend so much time in my head overthinking things and trying to tease out solutions that I just want to write it down. Hopefully at some point I can re-read these posts and work out some patterns and solutions that aren't apparent now.

Going to go now.

So I need this post to revisit my goals and organize them. I've copied and past from a few posts, here (below).

Broadly, I need to sort things out into:

1.) Language goals 2.) Getting a job goals 3.) Long-term career goals 4.) Lifestyle goals 5.) Financial goals 6.) Personal development goals

2.) JOB SEARCH

Getting a job search is the most pressing one here. So far, all that I can think to do is apply to places, tidy up my portfolio, the whole normal job application thing since I need a job by May 1. Really, I need it now, but May is the longest I'm willing to wait.

The portfolio is what's really holding me back right now.

I need to write a:

-Welcome series (email) – Triggered action email -Case study -White paper -Quora and Reddit responses -Blog post -Infographic -Sample content marketing strategy

And then duplicate these things for a B2C business as well.

The problem is, I just can't focus. Finding enough research is hard, and it's hard to write something that I'm proud of. I feel like I'm never done.

Maybe deadlines will work? After all, I just read that some procrastination is done because people try to give themselves thinking time before it's due.

I MUST FINISHING BY 2/22.

Okay, here's my estimated timeline for this week:

Monday: DRAFT B2B welcome email series, B2B interactive email content blog post Tuesday: DRAFT Case study — Augmented reality Wednesday: DRAFT White paper – augmented reality Thursday: DRAFT Content marketing strategy; Friday: Edit everything

Anyway, I am thinking I should really start my Medium publications this week so that I have something to show employers. Oh, and my podcast, too.

I should create a timeline. Let me go write that down ont the whiteboard.

But for the career publication, I'm thinking of calling it “Non-linear” and the purpose is to focus on my journey to start a career, give career advice, interview other people who have non-linear paths to success, people who define success differently.

So what would I write about?

Weekly, updates on my career — what I'm doing to find a job, career advice, testing out career advice, things I've noticed about other marketers, generally marketing advice, thoughts on general career trends like working remote

Following your passionate is terrible advice What I did this week to further my career This week in great marketing All jobs should be remote Why you should give remote benefits Don't worry about internships, have a portfolio

What should my tagline be? Nonlinear – Documenting and discussing nonlinear paths to fulfillment

What should I call the other one? Focus is on keeping me accountable, but also discussion of alternative lifestyles.

Will have to resume this later, J wants us to go workout now. What about Glacier, because they

LATER

Coming in on 10/02/2019 here.

More ideas for Medium publications:

Non-linear: Building a career on a crooked path Glacier: Slow changes, massive impacts

I want to reassess my Chinese goals. I don't know if I want to learn Chinese for business yet, because I don't know what kind of business I will be in 5 years from now, and it's such a huge commitment especially compared to the other things I want to do with Chinese.

Hmm, I really should go now .

But to touch on later:

I want to write flash fiction or short stories daily I want to learn Persian and Chinese Persian for diaries and stories and emails, speaking for small talk, reading books and blogs and newspaper, listening to TV and movies and podcasts and cooking shows Chinese for everything Yoga each morning Positivity Dancing Change who I am in TN Learn more about being a better writer Acting Do standup Do crosstalk Become a better marketer Open my own business read more about business get things started so I can have my own profitable one-person business.

11/02/2019

Yesterday, things weren't so bad. I ruined it at the end by picking a fight with Josh because he was making me feel angry. He wants to get rid of so many things when we move, not realizing that we will have to pay for them sooner or later once we do move. He's financially insensible and fails to realize that we aren't saving enough for anything. He also wants to spend $1000+/month on our next apartment, and won't travel to shop at Aldi's since there won't be any in the area that we are thinking of living in. He wants to live close to his job, which I understand, but he also wants to live near the lake, which is away from public transit. Again, it's an apartment that J wants. He thinks that I have bad jugement in picking apartments, when in fact I realize the merits of each one and am willing to work with the cons. It's upsetting me as a I realize that “our” relationship is dictated by J's whims for the sake of being “reasonable” and “logical”, with him always pointing out that I'm “not logical.”

He bosses me around just like my dad and expects me to be happy with it. Yet at the same time, he's pressuring me to be happy because when I'm not happy, he's not happy. Yep, because that's how depression works, you can just turn it off and on like a water faucet. He's so emotionally retarded sometimes.

I had bad dreams again last night. I've been having bad sleep and bad nightmares for the past week or so. I hope that it goes away soon. I don't know what could be causing it, since last week we had the good news of J's job offers and my diet has overall been pretty healthy.

I had great insight and patterns that I wanted to share last night, but of course I've forgotten them all over the night.

That's all I can think of for now, I want to create a blog post to talk about goals and what not.

10/02/2019

Today has overall been good, the depression doesn't feel as strong today as it has been, but beware! That SOB always comes back with a vengeance.

The started off well because J not only made pancakes, but made them shaped like a cat and put on a strawberry face on it. Then at church, Pastor B gave me a DVD for my Vietnamese-speaking friend.

I'm feeling a little restless today, but I'm always feeling restless. But this is a good restless, and I hope that I can keep this going for the coming week.

I had an urge to write, but now I don't quite now. I guess that's the depression and SADD for you.

Oh, one thing, but this will be rather lengthy. Shoot, I have to pee, BRB.

Now I'm back.

It's sort-of-almost mid-February, and I think now I need to set my 2019 goals. I never got around to setting them for January, and I knew that having to go to the wedding was going to throw things off for me anyway. I haven't done my language learning, which has upset me greatly, as has been my laziness and how I've let myself slide.

But now I'm feeling tired and unfocused. I think I want to take some time.

But really quickly:

I want to reassess my Chinese goals. I don't know if I want to learn Chinese for business yet, because I don't know what kind of business I will be in 5 years from now, and it's such a huge commitment especially compared to the other things I want to do with Chinese.

Hmm, I really should go now .

But to touch on later:

I want to write flash fiction or short stories daily I want to learn Persian and Chinese Persian for diaries and stories and emails, speaking for small talk, reading books and blogs and newspaper, listening to TV and movies and podcasts and cooking shows Chinese for everything Yoga each morning Positivity Dancing Change who I am in TN Learn more about being a better writer Acting Do standup Do crosstalk Become a better marketer Open my own business read more about business get things started so I can have my own profitable one-person business.

09/02/19

Depression has been heavy today, despite the happiness I should be feeling.

Dad came over and I made him some falafel, then we went on a drive and he bought me some goodies at the farm.

But the depression has been all-encompassing today. Whereas it usually felt like a heavy hooded cape, it truly feels like a burqa now, I can't escape it and it trips me up all day everyday throughout the day, despite the happiness I should be feeling, the blessings God gives me.

I looked it up, and this may be a thyroid condition. But how can I see a doctor when I'm leaving the city in two months and my insurance will soon run out anyway?

I should give myself six months to get better. Exercise more, eat better and whatnot.

My diary is so banal. I used to hope that I could be like one of the famous people whose autobiographies they sell, whose lives were so interesting, their thoughts so poignant. It's sad to realize that at 25, I'm not that special. I read that in another Write.as post the other day, but it explained the feeling in such an obvious way I should have been able to say it myself.

I have had such anxiety the past two or three days about finding a job. I want to be remote but J is pressuring me to work in-office, and I don't want to admit it but I know for my health that I need to get out of this house, at least for a year or two.

But my resume doesn't look good, and the jobs out there are leaving me feeling uninspired. They would reject me because I don't look good, they don't trust me. Plus, I have no connections. No one who is well-connected, anyway.

Anyway, I am thinking I should really start my Medium publications this week so that I have something to show employers. Oh, and my podcast, too.

I should create a timeline. Let me go write that down ont the whiteboard.

But for the career publication, I'm thinking of calling it “Non-linear” and the purpose is to focus on my journey to start a career, give career advice, interview other people who have non-linear paths to success, people who define success differently.

So what would I write about?

Weekly, updates on my career — what I'm doing to find a job, career advice, testing out career advice, things I've noticed about other marketers, generally marketing advice, thoughts on general career trends like working remote

Following your passionate is terrible advice What I did this week to further my career This week in great marketing All jobs should be remote Why you should give remote benefits Don't worry about internships, have a portfolio

What should my tagline be? Nonlinear – Documenting and discussing nonlinear paths to fulfillment

What should I call the other one? Focus is on keeping me accountable, but also discussion of alternative lifestyles.

Will have to resume this later, J wants us to go workout now. What about Glacier, because they

LATER

Coming in on 10/02/2019 here.

More ideas for Medium publications:

Non-linear: Building a career on a crooked path Glacier: Slow changes, massive impacts

09/02/19

Depression has been heavy today, despite the happiness I should be feeling.

Dad came over and I made him some falafel, then we went on a drive and he bought me some goodies at the farm.

But the depression has been all-encompassing today. Whereas it usually felt like a heavy hooded cape, it truly feels like a burqa now, I can't escape it and it trips me up all day everyday throughout the day, despite the happiness I should be feeling, the blessings God gives me.

I looked it up, and this may be a thyroid condition. But how can I see a doctor when I'm leaving the city in two months and my insurance will soon run out anyway?

I should give myself six months to get better. Exercise more, eat better and whatnot.

My diary is so banal. I used to hope that I could be like one of the famous people whose autobiographies they sell, whose lives were so interesting, their thoughts so poignant. It's sad to realize that at 25, I'm not that special. I read that in another Write.as post the other day, but it explained the feeling in such an obvious way I should have been able to say it myself.

I have had such anxiety the past two or three days about finding a job. I want to be remote but J is pressuring me to work in-office, and I don't want to admit it but I know for my health that I need to get out of this house, at least for a year or two.

But my resume doesn't look good, and the jobs out there are leaving me feeling uninspired. They would reject me because I don't look good, they don't trust me. Plus, I have no connections. No one who is well-connected, anyway.

Anyway, I am thinking I should really start my Medium publications this week so that I have something to show employers. Oh, and my podcast, too.

I should create a timeline. Let me go write that down ont the whiteboard.

But for the career publication, I'm thinking of calling it “Non-linear” and the purpose is to focus on my journey to start a career, give career advice, interview other people who have non-linear paths to success, people who define success differently.

So what would I write about?

Weekly, updates on my career — what I'm doing to find a job, career advice, testing out career advice, things I've noticed about other marketers, generally marketing advice, thoughts on general career trends like working remote

Following your passionate is terrible advice What I did this week to further my career This week in great marketing All jobs should be remote Why you should give remote benefits Don't worry about internships, have a portfolio

What should my tagline be? Nonlinear – Documenting and discussing nonlinear paths to fulfillment

What should I call the other one? Focus is on keeping me accountable, but also discussion of alternative lifestyles.

Will have to resume this later, J wants us to go workout now. What about Glacier, because they stay the same at the core but change so much, leave imprints on the world?

I feel like a wolf stuck in a cage that would gnaw on its own leg to get out.

This depression is seriously getting worse.

I started taking the vitamin D pills a month ago, and they seemed to help a little bit. But now that the apprenticeships are over and I realize that as per usual I didn't do any of the things I planned on doing so that I could have a job lined up, I'm feeling even more depressed. Plus it's been hitting more and more what a loser I am. My younger cousin is a single woman working in GA, living her best life and making good money for a 20-something. J just got a new job in TN, with a start date in April.

How the hell did I ever think that being paid $35 an article was sustainable, or $16-20 per hour as a freelancer for those shitty teaching companies?

How could I could have been that dumb? I just don't understand it. Why did I let myself go like that?

I'm stuck in this apartment by own will. I never got a car because I didn't have the money and I believed the minimalist bullshit that you don't need cars, yaddy yaddy yada. J got just an apartment far south in the city, where there isn't much going on and it certainly isn't walkable. I can take the subway, but it's still a 13-minute walk plus money, and I can't go that many places without having to take another bus. Even then, forget getting somewhere in a decent time, or going somewhere more than .5 miles away from the bus lines, or bringing anything with you for else you'll be a bag lady dragging tons of nonsense with you and looking 10 kinds of foolish.

This is a punishment of my own making, but I can't find a way to get out.

I don't look good on paper, and no employer will hire me. They can tell I've had too many diverse interests and I'm not linear.

Oh, that's a good idea for a Medium publication — Nonlinear: One Millennial's Journey towards being successful. The tagline could use work.

But anyways, employers think I'm junk, and that's even if I don't go into the Resume Black Hole.

I can't focus on things anymore. This depression is truly eating me up. I can't focus on things, I'm perpetually exhausted, anxious, stressed out, sleep. I can't prioritize, I can't get work done. It's been 5 days and I haven't finished yet one piece for my portfolio, and I wanted to have it all done this week!

That's all I have to write for now, I know there's more, but it's not spilling out at the moment. Usually that happens at bedtime when I'm exhausted by regretting everything I didn't do and being overly hopeful at what all I can do tomorrow.

08/02/2019.