I am sad more than I am happy... This statement has been true more times that I can count over the past year. While I can still crack a joke and make everyone around me smile, I fear for the time after the joke. When the expectations that are on me come back, the reminders of things that I have not yet accomplished. The reminder of things that I am not. The nots are too great to name, but I think about my nots all of the time. In this midnight hour, they are running through my mind preventing me from sleep. I want to be able to put them somewhere, to put them away, but where? There is no one I can talk to about these things without the "aww...I'm so sorry you feel that way, let me tell you all of the great things that I think about you" I didn't ask for that. I just want these feelings out of me. I want these thoughts to go away. The doubts, the disappointments, the frustration, the rage...it's eating me from the inside out. I am sad. I am depressed. I feel stupid. I feel alone. I should take my anti-depressants but what's the point? I don't feel like I'm living for myself anymore. I'm living so other people wont be sad. I'll be so excited for the day that I want to live for myself. The day that I am happy with me. The day when I can see what others say they see in me. Right now...I'm not enough for myself. I'm such a fuck up. I keep trying to act like I have it all together but shit is constantly falling apart. Even when it seems like it's getting better, something else happens that reminds me of how stupid I consistently am. The things that should bring me joy... they don't. I hate myself for my inability to be the person that I want to be.