why am i sad?

So I'm discontent. “Sad” is probably a better descriptor when I'm feeling particularly dire. This is a new state of being for me. I'm normally very chipper, optimistic, and excited for the future. But the past few weeks have brought a prolonged interruption to that state of being.

Perhaps it's just the weather.

But there are things that are causing me some level of anxiety about my future.

our house is on fire

The #climatecrisis is scary as shit. A few months ago, I would have wondered why it's not a part of literally every conversation. That seems to be changing, thankfully. But I worry that it's too little, too late.

I have changed a lot of personal behaviours to address the crisis, but I always know I can do more. Frankly, it's exhausting, and it casts guilt over pretty much every decision I make.

we treat animals terribly

It took a long time for the ball to drop on this one. I have cared deeply regarding global heating for many years, but always saw the treatment of animals as a secondary issue. One thing at a time, right?

Except it suddenly struck me. Perhaps it was keeping pets for the first time.

So now I'm #vegan. I won't consume or use animal products, as far as it is practicable. (I recently received a vaccination that contained 0.2 micrograms of egg protein. I was told the cell-based vaccine was for allergy sufferers only. There are limits to what I'm prepared to sacrifice, but the guilt does not allude me in these cases.)

the country is going backwards

#GE19 and #Brexit have me glued to my news-feed. I want to know everything to inform my future decisions while simultaneously despairing at the road we're on.

I wonder what I'm missing that means that people legitimately want a Brexit delivered by Tories. I really try to understand. I exit the echo chamber.

The media frustrate me. So often those conversations come back to deception peddled by the right-wing media. How do you break someone out of that?

i'm not doing enough about it

I challenge people when it's appropriate and I think I can have a reasonable conversation. I write to my council and MP. I share vegan baking and cooking frequently to convince people around me that this is a viable way to live. I contribute to a local green charity. But I am not an activist. I don't protest. I won't risk arrest. I don't canvas or volunteer for political parties or initiatives.

Should I?

There is so much to lose.

my love-life is uncertain

I've had several long-term relationships. It's 50/50 split as to whether I decided to end it, or they did.

For the past two years I've been dating, flip-flopping between deciding I only want short-term, casual relationships, and maybe pursuing something that will last a bit longer.

In the midst of this, I'm trying to decide whether I will settle on one or the other. It doesn't bother me much which I settle on, but I want to be happy with my decision.

I can't decide if short-term polyamory is my thing. I haven't tried it, but it's appealing. I may also be pansexual with a strong preference for cis women. Again, I haven't experimented.

I might need to experiment more. But I struggle with communicating these things to new partners. And the more I date, the pickier I get.

i feel historically unremarkable

Perhaps not everyone wants to leave their mark on history, but I do. I want to do something meaningful. I try to make a difference in my day-to-day, but I'm unconvinced this makes a difference to the greater currents of history.

I'm torn between pursuing a comfortable, easy life and a life that gives me a better shot of leaving my mark.

i could just up and leave

It seems a lot of progress – in one's personal life, as well as in history – is geared towards accumulating freedoms. But I wonder if this freedom actually makes people happy. Perhaps it's better to accept or impose bounds on one's existence.

I have the skills and resources to go pretty much anywhere in the world and settle down to a comfortable existence there.

I often think of this as a means to escape at least one of the problems listed above.