intrusivethoughts

time is a flat circle.

I can finally talk semi-openly about that thing I alluded to previously! (As openly as I can on an anonymous blog, anyway.)

I got the job! 🎉

I'm so excited to be starting this new adventure and I can't wait to see where it leads! I haven't been satisfied with my situation for a few months now and I know I'm making a change for the better.

With this new opportunity comes more financial security. I can work on tackling all those pesky bills and long-standing debt.

The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is within sight.

My partner has been thinking about applying for a job in another part of the state, which I fully support since he’s extremely unhappy in his current position (and has been for some time).

Related: a good time-waster for me is to go to Zillow and look up houses for sale in the area where we could potentially move. The city we currently live in is super expensive compared to the new one, so in theory we’d be able to get more house for our money. I love house hunting—online, at least. The real thing is so stressful.

On another note: I’m *this* close to being able to officially talk about the thing that I oh-so-helpfully and vaguely wrote about previously. haha what a word salad. More to come soon, fingers crossed.

Wow, I’m tired.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment with work, but this is an exciting time right now. New opportunities and new experiences that will hopefully work out for me.

What I don't have time for is the same old psychological baggage that keeps rearing its ugly head every weekend. Yeah, relationships are hard, but have you tried bashing your head against an emotional brick wall lately? It's so much fun!

It's not fun at all.

At least my cats love me no matter what.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself…but there’s a thing I’m excited about and it just moved to the next level…!

Intentionally vague for now. Annoying, I know.

Life pro tip: use your phone's parental controls to block specific websites run by people you don't like, so you can't view them.

I'm researching plus-size yoga and plus-size fitness in general and there's one instructor in particular I want to avoid. So of course they showed up on page 2 of Google search.

I have a bad habit of hate-viewing sites and thinking:

[ChristianBaleOut] Oh gooooood for you. [/ChristianBaleOut]

I know it's unhealthy and I'm working on it in therapy OKAY.

Anyway you know it's really sad when you turn on parental controls on yourself.

facepalm

But at least I can browse in peace now.

Finally got my covid booster today. I’d had at least three appointments previously that I cancelled for various reasons (illness, anxiety, procrastination). But finally had to get it done and now it is and I’m relieved. Arm is sore, of course, but I’ll live.

After so many years of therapy (years), I continue to marvel at how I still struggle with something as basic/complex as anxiety. Basic, in the sense that I know what my triggers are and I know how to reframe negative thoughts, avert a panic attack, etc. But complex in the sense that my anxiety feels like it’s ever evolving and that makes it scary to me.

I’m also realizing what a privilege it feels like, being able to a) attend therapy at all b) afford to pay for it and c) have access to vaccines. I feel lucky/fortunate in many ways and try my hardest not to take these things for granted.

Watching the news yet again and wishing that the horrible violence against Ukraine would end. I don't know what I was thinking when this started, but I foolishly thought it would be over soon. And still it continues.

I'm far away in a different country and I wish I could do something to help. I donated to charities and I know that helps a little, but it's an intangible, insignificant drop in the ocean when no one sees an end in sight. Too many people dying. So much unprovoked violence, sorrow, and death.

I'm not smart enough to understand the complexities of politics and history. I just know that it's so wrong what's happening and I wish my hardest for peace.

No, you spent all day watching the Twilight series marathon on tv.

(I still want to get teary during the reprise of “Flightless Bird” in BD1.)

Today is the anniversary of the day my divorce was finalized.

I have it on my calendar for every year. I don't “celebrate,” exactly—no cake and presents. But I like to acknowledge the day because this is the day that I felt really free.

In recent years, I've been thinking of changing my last name back to my family name. At the time of the divorce, I just kept it because I didn't want to go through all the legal hoops to change my name back. It was just easier to keep it.

But the older I get, the more I think of my family name as a truer representation of who I am. I think it's just a matter of time till I change it back.

This weekend would have been your birthday.

You spoke to me in your native language and I learned so many words and phrases. My parents used to do that too, until at some point they stopped and wanted us to assimilate.

I wish I could speak the language of your country.

You made the best food. As a child, I ate what was prepared without bias. I wouldn't eat those dishes now for worry of being called weird.

You loved watching soap operas and wrestling.

I'm sorry I never wrote down the phone number on that infomercial when you saw something you wanted to order. I think I was just being a lazy kid.

I've heard more recently how unkind you had been to your own children. I didn't know this back then, but it explains so much. All I know is that you were always kind to me.

You left to move far away. I remember you telling me goodbye early that morning. I pretended to be asleep because you were crying when you kissed my cheek.

The next time I saw your face, it was many years later as you lay in your hospital bed. I'm sorry that I had just missed you.

And I still miss you.

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