if my ego was any larger than a grain of sand, it would have been destroyed. i would be completely humiliated. i would not exist.
the bigger the ego, the greater the lengths you have to go to to protect it. i just let people walk all over me, insult me all you like, humiliate me, go right ahead. i suffer and i feel the pain but my relation to the suffering is very different to how it would be if the ego was the size of a house.
k. used to say, i feel as if i don't exist.
it took me thirty years to work out what that meant and now she's dead so i can't even ring her up and say : hey, i get it now! sorry it took half a lifetime! oh and also, i think i may have found a way out of the abyss.
too late. ah well. so it goes.