I didn’t sleep well. I woke up and ignored my morning routine and I just went right into my day. Skipping the morning routine is always a recipe for disaster usually. The day came and went and everything seemed particular harder. I wasn’t sharp, I always felt like I was a step behind.
After, a long day I like to take a few minutes and get some headphones on. What I am listening to doesn’t matter but it gives my mind permission to not think about the world around me.
I had a question on my mind that I just really wanted to talk to someone about. One of those situations where a mentor or advisor would come in handy. It was eating at me a little bit because I just didn’t trust my gut really. That is something that I fight with daily.
I ended up listening to a number of podcasts which lately, seems to be about 85% of my listening habits. The discussions were honest and just made me feel better with all of the confusion. Then someone said, “we are just fucked up like you.”
I am scared of something and there is something that holds me back sometimes. But, there are a few things that I hold dear and that bring me joy and I am going to double down on those until I can’t anymore.
Have you ever wanted to do something but just let it sit on the fence? Have you always told yourself I just need to level up more, I just need to achieve a little bit more before I can attempt that? I just need to do more before I…
I am sure that I am not the only one who thinks like this all of the time. I am embarrassed about what I want to do and some of my creative projects that I want to try. The imposter syndrome just starts to creep in. With questions like “Why are you writing you are not good enough?”
I feel like I have created a lot and I have done a number of projects but I am still back here and fighting this war with myself. There is never going to be the right time to start and make that thing that you want to do. There is never always going to be tomorrow and then the next day.
Will I be here again in 6 months? A Year? 6 Years? Yes, the battle for making good work and work that I am proud of will be a fight that I am willing to take on. I feel like I have things to add and value to add to the world.
Today, I was going through my day and I just felt like I was being stifled. I felt like I was being put in the box and I had to do something to change this. I took a “maker break” that is what I like to call my lunch breaks where I do a creative project.
I set a timer for 15 minutes and I did the first thing that came to my mind. As soon as the timer went off. I smiled and I remember that this is what I keep fighting for.
These videos starting to come across my feeds this week. I loved watching them they were so personal and they were so honest. Plus, it triggered a donation to charity. I wanted to do a video but I wanted to explore that question first. Why am I even here?
I have always been an introvert. I have always had trouble communicating my true thoughts and my true ideas to people. Every since I was young I always enjoyed writing and writing. Even in school, I never minded writing the paper and I never minded writing my thoughts down.
The thing about writing was there was no rules. I am a very curious person. You are able to explore those thoughts and those ideas. You can solve problems and figure out the world. Also, I love being able to create a whole new world and being able to empower people.
Lastly, I write because I feel like I better understand myself and it feels like a natural thing for me to do.
I published an ebook on the Kindle store this week. I was just messing around with formatting and options. I was curious to go through all of the steps and see what it would take to get something in the store. I have a lot of writing that has never seen the light of day and I bundled up something that I had laying around and I wanted to see. I wanted to do the whole process. I thought that by going through the steps it would take some of the mystique out of it and I can see that I should continue with an idea that I had for an ebook.
I played with all the setting and wrote my name in the author field and I did all the stuff. Then I hit a button and I was hoping to just save it as a draft but I ended up publishing it for review by Amazon. I was terrified when I found out what I have done. I looked for ways to cancel and bring the book back into the dark corners of my brain. I looked and I looked. But, to no avail, the red pending was still on my screen. I walked away thinking that I would just remove it once it would go live and nobody would see it.
Then, I started to think about it and I got excited. I got excited that one of the things from my goals list would be done. I ended up starting to rewrite some chapters and pieces of content. I find myself wanted to tell people about it. “Hey, I Did I thing..”
I know it was not my best work. I am almost embarrassed by it. But, I feel like hitting submits take some of the stigmas out of doing it in the first place. You never love the first go at anything. You make mistakes, you forget things and you learn along the way.
Sometimes you just have to fucking ship something. Here it is in all its weird glory! https://goo.gl/ZTcLZK
This Is Yesterday
I feel like lately, I just hadn’t been myself. Something was just off and I wasn’t sure why. There was not a lot going on in life and I couldn’t pinpoint anything. I tried all the usual tricks just to shake out of it.
I was watching a video on a writing class and the instructor had an assignment to find a song from when you were 13. I stopped the video right there. Started hunting thought Spotify and I put on the album that I played so much I broke three times and still own three copies of this.
Then, I sat with my headphones on and I just listened to the whole album. I feel like I had not done this since 2008. I listened and it really took me back to those teenage years. A rush of memories came back that I had not thought about in a long time. It was a profound experience as this was an activity I used to do all the time.
Then, I heard the lyrics that got me through my teenage years. The line that made me feel ok. That got me through most tough moments in life. It made me feel ok to be me.
“I Know I Believe In Nothing But It Is My Nothing”
I think that I might be afraid of everything. I am afraid of what people might think of my ideas. I am afraid of the person who calls me a bad writer. I am afraid of letting down my wife. I am afraid of figuring out that I am not capable of what I want to do. I am afraid of sucking. I am afraid of regret. I am afraid.
Today, I had some realizations that fear is driving a lot of my decisions and dicdates a lot of what I want to do and what I want to make.
Each morning, I could wake up and think about a million excuses to start the day off with. The mind goes into a million different places when you wake up. Today, I wanted to try to do something different. I wanted to think about something really good first thing in the morning. Thinking about the things that get me excited to wake up in the morning.
I felt a bit better starting my day off. I thought it was always bullshit to wake up and think about what are you grateful for each day.
Then today, I read this post by Ryan Holiday. The quote “Being Curious Is a Career.” I just never saw it like that. He also goes on to say “I think the way you get paid to do that is by making that curiosity valuable to other people” and “You can’t just nerd out—there has to be value creation.”
I really like the thought of this. It just was something that was important for me to think about. I have been on this journey lately and asking myself a lot of questions. I like reading all of these types of articles as they can be astimulating. It gives me hope that I can craft that career and mission that I envision.
Today, went a bit different than a normal Monday for me. I did everything that I wouldn’t normally do. It all started with me hitting the snooze button and waking up almost two hours later than I would normally set out to do. When I woke up, I almost felt like I did something wrong. I felt guilt for sleeping in and I felt guilty for missing something on my goal list.
A funny thing happened that I noticed. I wasn’t able to put my day on autopilot. It made me aware and more conscious in the moment. It helped me break up the day more and get more things done that I wanted to get accomplished. It is amazing sometimes what a small tweak or change and the type of effect that can have on your day.
Last night was my 33rd birthday. I wanted to do something that get me away from a device and the news. There has been so much going on the last two weeks that it has been overwhelming. I needed to disconnect for a few hours. What better way than a musical. La La Land just got nominated for a ton of oscars and it has been on my watch list.
From, the opening credits to the end this movie simply just put a smile on my face. I will try to avoid spoilers in this post but just a warning in case I do let something slip. The movies core theme is about following your dreams and go for it.
I am going to try and go on a journey here. But, the news is grim for whatever side of the spectrum you support. But, the message in the film is just promoting doing your dreams and following that. Making sacrifices and helping each other to get that point. Some of the most powerful moments in the movie when the two characters where encouraging and support each other.
It got me thinking about the people in my life and the places that I want to hit and the impact that I want to leave. It also got me thinking that whenever we are honest with what we want and are not afraid to work together and not afraid. There is nothing that can stop us.
If you spent any time online today you saw that today was the Women's March on Washington. The protests were spread across the whole country and across the entire globe. I was home watching some news clips and some video from the rally and it was one of the most incredible demonstrations that I can remember ever seeing.
I regret not being out there today and marching. I was once arrested during a political event and I have been honest I was a little gun shy to do something again. It was under the George W Bush Presidency.
But, I was watching the coverage and I just started to cry.
What Is Accurate
I was always a political person and always liked to stay onto of what is going on. I got wind of a press conference and went looking for a video. Maybe, they are announcing interesting events for the first few weeks. Nope, it was 95% about how the media lied about how many people went to the inauguration.
This didn’t feel like a clearing up a mistake. This was an assault. It was so combative. It was so angry in tone. This is the first full day and we are complaining about people tweet photos.
The next four year is going to be about what people consider to be truth and what gets doctored up. You would think in an age we would have all of these channels. That truth would be so hard to come by