I feel like I am broken. I haven’t felt excited about anything that I am working on. The things that would normally bring me joy were bringing me nothing.
Early, this year there was a lot of excitement and my lot of energy. I was doing a lot of my goals and getting a lot of things done. I labeled them as experiments as I way to make me feel ok about thing sucking.
But, suddenly I stopped. I stopped doing the things that brought me joy. I stopped making time for the activities that felt like I was moving things in the right direction. I stopped making time for the things that gave me hope.
It didn’t happen overnight. But slowly, the mindset started to shift to “I will do that tomorrow.” But, tomorrow might not always come. My biggest fear is regret.
“How could I better say no to the noise to better say yes to the adventures I craved?”
This year, I tried a whole mess of stuff. I am really proud of all of the different things that I tried to do and the different things that I looked at it. I did a lot of things that are out of my comfort zone. That did a few things for me. It helped me figure out where are the places that I want to go and what do I want to spend sometime doing.
But, even with all of the testing and experimenting. I still find myself in this same spot and in this same area.
I am craving something. I can feel it every day and every morning that fire that burns inside of me. I can feel it when I go to bed at night just disappointed in the achievements of the day.
Am I just not honest with myself and my abilities to be the person that I want to be? Is the noise just to much and I just can’t see the adventure in front of me?
I wanted today to special. I want every day to be special for you. Every morning, I wake up and I get to see the most beautiful person in the world. I get to see my best friend and the person I love most in the world every day.
Whenever we are apart I think about her. Whenever we are together I feel complete. I am the better person for having met her and a better person for having her in my life and have her inside my mind.
It can be scary to let someone come into your world and have access to the library of your life. They can access all the files and all the books. But, I know you are my soulmate and this was supposed to happen.
But, every day I am grateful for you. I love you. Happy Birthday!
I didn’t sleep well. I woke up and ignored my morning routine and I just went right into my day. Skipping the morning routine is always a recipe for disaster usually. The day came and went and everything seemed particular harder. I wasn’t sharp, I always felt like I was a step behind.
After, a long day I like to take a few minutes and get some headphones on. What I am listening to doesn’t matter but it gives my mind permission to not think about the world around me.
I had a question on my mind that I just really wanted to talk to someone about. One of those situations where a mentor or advisor would come in handy. It was eating at me a little bit because I just didn’t trust my gut really. That is something that I fight with daily.
I ended up listening to a number of podcasts which lately, seems to be about 85% of my listening habits. The discussions were honest and just made me feel better with all of the confusion. Then someone said, “we are just fucked up like you.”
I am scared of something and there is something that holds me back sometimes. But, there are a few things that I hold dear and that bring me joy and I am going to double down on those until I can’t anymore.
Have you ever wanted to do something but just let it sit on the fence? Have you always told yourself I just need to level up more, I just need to achieve a little bit more before I can attempt that? I just need to do more before I…
I am sure that I am not the only one who thinks like this all of the time. I am embarrassed about what I want to do and some of my creative projects that I want to try. The imposter syndrome just starts to creep in. With questions like “Why are you writing you are not good enough?”
I feel like I have created a lot and I have done a number of projects but I am still back here and fighting this war with myself. There is never going to be the right time to start and make that thing that you want to do. There is never always going to be tomorrow and then the next day.
Will I be here again in 6 months? A Year? 6 Years? Yes, the battle for making good work and work that I am proud of will be a fight that I am willing to take on. I feel like I have things to add and value to add to the world.
Today, I was going through my day and I just felt like I was being stifled. I felt like I was being put in the box and I had to do something to change this. I took a “maker break” that is what I like to call my lunch breaks where I do a creative project.
I set a timer for 15 minutes and I did the first thing that came to my mind. As soon as the timer went off. I smiled and I remember that this is what I keep fighting for.
These videos starting to come across my feeds this week. I loved watching them they were so personal and they were so honest. Plus, it triggered a donation to charity. I wanted to do a video but I wanted to explore that question first. Why am I even here?
I have always been an introvert. I have always had trouble communicating my true thoughts and my true ideas to people. Every since I was young I always enjoyed writing and writing. Even in school, I never minded writing the paper and I never minded writing my thoughts down.
The thing about writing was there was no rules. I am a very curious person. You are able to explore those thoughts and those ideas. You can solve problems and figure out the world. Also, I love being able to create a whole new world and being able to empower people.
Lastly, I write because I feel like I better understand myself and it feels like a natural thing for me to do.
April has been a productive month for me. I started the month with a big challenge. 5 Sundays = 5 New Ideas. Four weeks into the ship and challenge and four new things that have gotten released into the wild. This week is going to be a marketing week. I am going to try some tactics to see if I can validate any of the concepts that I put forth this month.
But, I wanted to do a little catch all of some of the things that I learned about myself.
If there were lists and tasks made. I was successful each week. Also, having a friend know what I was trying to do and I would share the project with him. The social aspect was an as big influence at certain times. I need to find ways to keep this in my process.
Writing seems to be my gateway into everything it seems. I shouldn’t run away from that fact and I should find a way to embrace that and double down.
Recording my own voice was super exciting and scary. Maybe there is more to do here. I wonder if there is an experiment I could run around this. Getting more comfortable with the process and trying different things in that world.
The challenge was really successful on a few ends. It was good to be able to analyze what works for me and how I work the best. It was also a lot of fun and I might do something like this in the future again.
Do you have a notebook or a list somewhere of some ideas that you thought were just amazing? Have you ever been out with friends one day and came out with a killer t-shirt idea? Or even worse have you made something and shared it with the only friend and then put it away to never be seen again.
I am one of those people who rarely ships but ends up collecting a bunch of ideas and concepts that I believe in. But, I don’t ship. I make excuses and blame the world. But, I don’t ship.
If you can relate to any one this. I want you to join me. April is going to be the month of the ship. There are 5 Sundays in April and the goal is to release something new each Sunday. The only rule is that you have to make one thing a week for the month of April. The size and scope of that thing are up to you. But, you just have to ship something. It can be anything you have been wanting to release or even want to relaunch.
If you want to work on one big idea this month. Break that out into pieces and try to hit a weekly milestone.
I published an ebook on the Kindle store this week. I was just messing around with formatting and options. I was curious to go through all of the steps and see what it would take to get something in the store. I have a lot of writing that has never seen the light of day and I bundled up something that I had laying around and I wanted to see. I wanted to do the whole process. I thought that by going through the steps it would take some of the mystique out of it and I can see that I should continue with an idea that I had for an ebook.
I played with all the setting and wrote my name in the author field and I did all the stuff. Then I hit a button and I was hoping to just save it as a draft but I ended up publishing it for review by Amazon. I was terrified when I found out what I have done. I looked for ways to cancel and bring the book back into the dark corners of my brain. I looked and I looked. But, to no avail, the red pending was still on my screen. I walked away thinking that I would just remove it once it would go live and nobody would see it.
Then, I started to think about it and I got excited. I got excited that one of the things from my goals list would be done. I ended up starting to rewrite some chapters and pieces of content. I find myself wanted to tell people about it. “Hey, I Did I thing..”
I know it was not my best work. I am almost embarrassed by it. But, I feel like hitting submits take some of the stigmas out of doing it in the first place. You never love the first go at anything. You make mistakes, you forget things and you learn along the way.
Sometimes you just have to fucking ship something. Here it is in all its weird glory! https://goo.gl/ZTcLZK
This Is Yesterday
I feel like lately, I just hadn’t been myself. Something was just off and I wasn’t sure why. There was not a lot going on in life and I couldn’t pinpoint anything. I tried all the usual tricks just to shake out of it.
I was watching a video on a writing class and the instructor had an assignment to find a song from when you were 13. I stopped the video right there. Started hunting thought Spotify and I put on the album that I played so much I broke three times and still own three copies of this.
Then, I sat with my headphones on and I just listened to the whole album. I feel like I had not done this since 2008. I listened and it really took me back to those teenage years. A rush of memories came back that I had not thought about in a long time. It was a profound experience as this was an activity I used to do all the time.
Then, I heard the lyrics that got me through my teenage years. The line that made me feel ok. That got me through most tough moments in life. It made me feel ok to be me.
“I Know I Believe In Nothing But It Is My Nothing”