Binge eating humble pie

It will all come together and I will get there, but right now I want to dance like no one’s watching me at my own pity party.  The way I show up in the world varies by what’s happening in my life.  I have periods where I’m extremely optimistic and only see everything as a good sign and I’m really happy.  I got into the laws of attraction and making vision boards a few years back.  I even taught a few vision board workshops.  I believed we create our reality. Thoughts become things. I really believed I was creating my own reality.  It was amazing, I wanted a partner, I wanted to build a tiny house, I wanted to live down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.  I made a vision board about it and stared at it for over a year.  I took a magical road trip and voila, it started to look like it was all coming true.  I got all of those things I wanted and it seemed so amazing. I believed I had manifested it all into creation.  But over time it became more like a bad trip than a dream come true.   All the stories I want to share and everything I have to say right now feels so negative because the past 10 months have been filled with heartache, heartbreak, and disillusionment.  I’m usually a pillar of light and although my light isn’t gone, it is dim right now.  I left the relationship and the future I was literally building.  I lost my brother to suicide.  Because of his death, I was confronted again with childhood traumas I thought I’d cleared.  I might label it the worst year of my life.  But it’s just a label.  What is good, what is bad?  It’s all perspective.  I want to say that I’m finally able to see that nothing is done to me, it’s all done for me…. an opportunity to grow to my highest potential and to release what no longer serves me.  But damnit it all feels so shitty right now.  The past 10 years have been a spiritual whirlwind of yoga, meditation, sacred tea ceremonies, full moon gatherings….  and teaching these practices as well.  I understand the wisdom those things teach, but I am struggling to embody them right now.  I feel like a fraud.

I did not gloat when things were going well but I was super excited, can you blame me?   I believed we create our reality and I was living proof.  I wanted to show people I was an example that it was possible.  But now that the party balloons have deflated and I feel like I have finally binge eaten the last slice of humble pie, I can no longer promote the idea that we create our own reality.  These most recent events have shown me I can participate in my reality but I cannot control it.  I certainly did not manifest this past year. My ex-partner has free will and can choose how to behave.  It would be delusional of me to think I did anything to make him react the way he did.

All I can do now is love myself for being brave enough to walk away from a future trapped in a bleak tunnel of dwindling light, cradle myself like the hand of god supporting me in the long-held yin postures of life, and be patient.  The only constant in my life has been change, so I know this too shall pass.