June-Pearl

You told me I gave up on us.

Gave up on us?

Is that really what you think happened.  You just said you were finally owning up to everything and that you weren’t going to twist words.  I am so curious how you came up with this idea that I gave up on us?  Because to me, it feels like you gave up.  Yeah, I’m the one that left…. But I was also the one being repeatedly hurt.  I am the one who continued to set boundaries that you trampled over.  I tried to show you how your behavior made me feel. I gave you many warnings but never ultimatums.  I loved you through treating me like that.

In the beginning, it was the most fun and loving relationship I have ever experienced.  I was so sure you were the one, I would have married you the first week we were dating.  Do you remember our second date when you took me to Meow Wolf?  After a 6-hour date, you still didn’t want the date to end and took me to that cafe to get tea before dropping me off.  You sat there and hugged me like you never wanted to lose me.  It felt a little desperate, I’ll admit, but it also felt so nice to be wanted.  No one had ever expressed desire like that for me, ever.  I kind of felt sorry for you but I knew what it felt like to want to be in a relationship and I wouldn’t hold desperation against you.    Maybe you were even being more authentic than me.  

On our 3rd date, we just cuddled at your apartment.  You told me you wanted to be in a relationship with me.  I started crying and told you how I had been jerked around by guys before and I couldn’t afford to be hurt again. The gun’s and rose song patience came on and you sang the lyrics to me.  You said you never want to take the twinkle out of my eye.  Do you remember?

You wanted me to move in so quickly.  You gave me a key to your apartment one week after we’d started dating.  It felt good.  Most guys I’ve dated never made me feel like I was even good enough to be dating them much less moving in with them. It felt magical to move into our house together just a few months later.  Had I met the one? You told me several times you wanted to marry me, even though you never asked, I believed you.

Ok… so, there were a few moments along the way that made me scratch my head, like, did he just do that, did he just really say that?  Is he being manipulative?  Nah…. Couldn’t be, I must have just misunderstood.  Like the time you wouldn’t give me any supportive feedback when I practiced some yoga teaching on you.  You were the sweetest, kindest, most loving guy and your intentions had to be pure I convinced myself.

I could no longer convince myself of that after my cousin’s wedding in Tennessee.  I thought the night of the wedding was the best night of our relationship.  You were so nice and outgoing when interacting with my family. It was the first time you met my dad and my brother and you all got along. You made sure the three of us got together for family photos since it was a rare occurrence that we got a picture when we were together.  You were chivalrous to my grandma giving up your seat for her.  You were so loving to me.  What fun we had dancing together!  Mindy, Joe’s wife, even commented that she could see how much you loved me by the way you stared at me from across the room.  I fell asleep in your arms that night dreaming about our future wedding one day and hopefully bearing your child.  If only I could bask in the glow of that night once again… sigh.  Then there was morning.

You asked me to get peaches with you from the market down the street.  I didn’t want to go, but I’m a people pleaser and I comprise my wants and needs for others… always have.  I make a simple request, could we stop for coffee at a gas station?  And we were off.  After peaches, we pass two gas stations both of which I ask you to stop at. Then you pull into a grocery store.  I look at you and say, I can’t get a prepared cup of coffee at a grocery store. You stare blankly ahead with repressed anger that tells me you aren’t going to move.  I exit the car perplexed, wondering what had provoked this behavior.  I enter the store to buy a bottle of water to give you a minute before returning to the car.  I repeated to you that I’d like to stop for a coffee and you said nothing.  You drove back to the Airbnb.  You collected your belonging and got in the passenger seat of the car an hour before we had to leave.  You are always the driver.  Is this a passive-aggressive punishment? I drove us one hour to the Atlanta airport.  I tried to talk to you several times.  To see what was happening to understand what you’re upset about.  “I’m not angry,” you said, arms folded, wearing a frown, you put your headphones on to shut me out.  “I told you how bad it could get for you” Your voice resembles a child being nasty to a parent.  “What do you mean, are we breaking up right now?” I ask.  “Do whatever you want” you reply coldly.

You are silent the whole drive.  You is silent walking through the airport, passing through security, the whole wait at the gate, the entire flight home, the drive from the Albuquerque airport to our house.  You won’t talk to me at home either and moves into the other room.  I am devastated.  I have never experienced behavior like this from a romantic partner.   I thought you was enlightened.  We did yoga together.  We sat in sacred tea ceremonies.  You wanted to stare into my eyes.  We were vulnerable, open, and honest with our feelings.  Now you is completely closed down, shut off, only darkness emanates from you.

Heavy hangs the head that last night wore the crown.  I think that’s a quote from Cinderella, loosely based on a quote from Shakespeare.

Such an extreme high to such an extreme low.  One night I want to marry you and have your child, the next morning I am realizing I have a Jekyll and Hyde situation on my hands and wonder if we will make it through this episode.  I really wanted this.  I had been single for 10 years.  10 long years with patches of dating but never anyone to call my partner or even boyfriend.  It was a long lonely road just to get here, and now it might be over.  I should have left you then.  You did not apologize.  It took you days to even talk to me.

When we finally spoke, you told me the lady at the peach stand in Tennessee was prejudiced and threw your change at you.  You said you felt ignored by her and it upset you.  You felt ignored by me after you didn’t stop to get me a coffee and took me to a grocery store instead.  You made up a story that I was rude to a lady that handled our rental car reservation when we got to Atlanta, 3 days prior.  I admit I did not go out of my way to be nice to her but I was not mean.  She lacked customer service skills and that is the sole reason I was not bubbly, certainly not because of the color of her skin.  You said I was racist, and that’s why you were so upset.  You walked away.

I was now put on trial to defend myself.  Your whole defense for acting like a child and closing down on me is to prosecute me as racist over an incident that happened days before the incident at hand?  It doesn’t make any sense.  You turned the table on me and I felt I must now seek your redemption.

It takes a few weeks before I can almost see you through the rose-colored glasses I used to, but somehow I manage too.  This shocking incident is always in the back of my mind.  I’m always worrying about what I might do to cause that behavior again.  Because it was my fault right? I’ve somehow been conditioned throughout my life to believe that I can cause the reaction of another.  So it was only natural that after this outburst I tried to fix it, tried to find out what I did wrong, tried to understand how to never make it happen again.  Over the next few years, many more incidents like this occurred.  You never called me a racist again but also never apologized for using that as a scapegoat for your unreasonable behavior.  You very rarely took responsibility for your actions and only truly did when I pushed you to or when you thought I might leave.

Time and time again you repeated this cycle.  Make me fall in love using vulnerability and charm to create a false sense of connection.  This was often started with a trip.  The first time you took me to India.   You would be so loving and sweet and make me forget the monster.  Then you started pushing boundaries and withholding support.  It was subtle.  You didn’t come to my yoga teacher finals where I had to teach a 1-hour class and invite friends to attend.  I tried not to read into this too much but it was one of many unsupportive things you began to do. Then, just as my self-esteem started to wither you’d deal me a really big blow and completely overreact to the slightest little thing then secretly rejoice in the satisfaction of bringing me to my knees begging for reconciliation. Rinse and repeat.

Then we moved to the ranch.  Was this a move to isolate your victim?  Typical narcissist.  It was your idea.  You made me think all my dreams were coming true.  I wanted land to start an event and glamping business and to build our dream tiny home.    You said let’s do it.  I believed the stars were aligning to strengthen us into a power couple and pave a successful future.

But you just pushed me away as soon as we got out there.  Every day you crumbled off a piece of the dream I thought we shared till there was just a pile of dust left.  One by one, the leaves spawned in the spring of our relationship began to fall. I tried to tell you we didn’t have that many leaves left, but you kept shaking the tree until the last leaf fell.

You pushed me away and then you laughed at me as I finally stood up for myself and left.

I didn’t give up on us. I gave up on the hope you might want to change.