entry sixty
on mothers and fathers
When Sue Zhao said, “Thank for you for the recipe I say – I mean, thank you for raising me. Don't forget to do the dishes, she replies. Sometimes life I simple, I think. I am happy. I have a mother and she calls me and teaches me how to cook tofu”
or when Jessica Au said, “I knew that if I had a daughter, she would live partly because of the way I had lived, and her memories would be my memories, and she would have no choice in that matter.””
or when Mitski said, “Mom, I'm tired Can I sleep in your house tonight? Mom, is it alright If I stay for a year or two? Mom, I'll be quiet It would be just to sleep at night And I'll leave once I figure out How to pay for my own life too Mom, would you wash my back? This once, and then we can forget And I'll leave what I'm chasing For the other girls to pursue Mom, am I still young? Can I dream for a few months more?”
or when Ted told his mom, “Thank you for flying all the way here to come see me, and fuck you for not telling me you were coming. Thank you for all the small, silly little things you dod for me as a kid, you know? Like hiding notes in my lunch box, or, uh, putting googly eyes on the fruit at the supermarket just to make me laugh. And fuck you for not wanting to work on yourself or seeking help after we lost dad. And for not talking to me about it either.”
or when Ted told his therapist “He was a good dad. And I don't think he knew that. I think if he would've known how good he was at stuff he didn't really care about being good at, he... I don't think he would've done what he...
And I wish I would've told him. I wish I would've told him more. I was just so angry at him. 'Cause he was always gone at work and just out with friends or something like that, and then he was gone. And I knew right then and there that I was never gonna let anybody get by me without understanding they might be hurting inside, you know. 'Cause life, it's hard... it's real hard...”
or when Jamie's mom told him “Jamie... your father, he is who he is. And he is never, ever, ever gonna change. And like it or not, you've ended up being who you are so that you can prove him wrong.
And you are amazing. You are. When you came on for England.. Oh. Jesus, Jamie, I wept. I bawled me fucking eyes out. And yeah, your dad will be in the stands tomorrow, pissed out of his head, rooting against you.
And it won't matter. You don't have anything to prove to that toerag. You're not lost, my sexy little baby. You're just not sure which direction you're going in ... yet.”
or when Ted asked Jamie, “Ted: If you could talk to him now, what would you say? Jamie: I'd say “fuck you.” (sighs) ... Jamie: Yeah, I'd say “Thank you.”
and Ted told him “You know, Jamie, if hating your Pops ain't motivating you like it used to, it might be time to try something different. Just forgive him. .... You ain't giving him anything. When you choose to do that, you're giving that to yourself.”
or when Kyung-Sook Shin said, “To you, Mom was always Mom. It never occurred to you that she had once taken her first step, or had once been three or twelve or twenty years old. Mom was Mom. She was born as Mom. Until you saw her running to your uncle like that, it hadn’t dawned on you that she was a human being who harbored the exact same feeling you had for your own brothers, and this realization led to the awareness that she, too, had had a childhood. From then on, you sometimes thought of Mom as a child, as a girl, as a young woman, as a newlywed, as a mother who had just given birth to you.”,
or when Michelle Zauner wrote in Crying in H-Mart, “Hers was tougher than tough love. It was brutal, industrial-strength. A sinewy love that never gave way to an inch of weakness. It was a love that saw what was best for you ten steps ahead, and didn't care if it hurt like hell in the meantime. When I got hurt, she felt it so deeply, it was as though it were her own affliction. She was guilty only of caring too much. I realize this now, only in retrospect. No one in this would would ever love me as much as my mother, and she would never let me forget it.”
or when Sufjan told Carrie, “Sitting at the bed with the halo at your head Was it all a disguise, like Junior High Where everything was fiction, future, and prediction Now, where am I? My fading supply”
or when Carrie replied to Sufjan, “Did you get enough love, my little dove Why do you cry? And I'm sorry I left, but it was for the best Though it never felt right My little Versailles”
or when she went on, saying “Shall we look at the moon, my little loon Why do you cry? Make the most of your life, while it is rife While it is light Well you do enough talk My little hawk, why do you cry?”
or when Tare Zameen Par told us all, “Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa Yun To Main,Dikhlata Nahin Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Meri Maa”