begining of feb i think i might be able to write a post and not cry all the way through it. brent has been gone now just over 2 weeks. i am finding the days long and the nights even longer. i cant sleep, i am awake every hour. i wonder around the house and feel so lost being alone here all the time.

i have no interest in doing anything. i have no desire to eat. i weighed myself this morning and have lost 2 more pounds. i stopped making any new trading cards. i was thinking of clearing off the kitchen table but even that seems like too much work. so i just left it all. maybe i will pick it up again. sometimes when i go to bed i come up with new ideas for cards, that is not even happening. i have not done any knitting in a very long time. i am not finding any joy in it right now. i need to go downstairs still and get some yard to give away to a friend. its not like i dont have enough to give away.

winter has really set in the last few days. its very cold and the wind is coming from the front of the house which means the house feels cold.

a neighbour came by and dropped off a banana bread and card. it was very nice of her and her husband. i had never really met them.

feb 20. i was not sure i would write again. i am finding things painful. when i see things like brent is gone in black and white , it makes it so much more real.

he has been gone a month now. i went back to weeks after 2 weeks of leave. work is so hard i am so sad and just dont want to be there.

i am not feeling up to cooking or chores. i do what i must and leave the rest for another day. i know lots need to be done. most times i feel like whats the point.

the kids have not called me at all. so i guess i am well and truly alone. dont think anyone would notice if i died right now.