day off and i should be out doing things. but i just dont have the energy to do anything. its like i live here alone now so if it does not get done it does not matter. if i dont eat it does not matter. if i dont do anything it does not matter. my creatures i feed and water and clean up after them. they are happy i am home.

i spend hours at a time in front of my laptop hoping someone will message and say hi how are you doing..... no one ever does. yes i know i can message and say hi. i have messaged and some dont respond or i get a short hi and not much else as they wonder away from the keyboard. so i keep the radio and tv on for company. i go to bed alone , i wake up alone. i wake up hoping this is still a dream. but its not. i get up and carry on with my day and try and get a few things done. being alone never gets any easier. the amount of times my ex went away and came back months later was still hard. the key part is there was someone coming home. today there is no one. i come home to the cats, birds, and the bunny. all of which in their own way are happy i am home i am sure, its just not the same as coming home and having someone rush downstairs to get a hug and is so happy to see you. i miss him so much.

i washed the floor, and an hour later the cat pukes on it. sigh. so i have to do it again. still have a ton of dishes to do. i never seem to get around to doing them, or i just dont care if they get done or not. its not like someone is going to come in and help me with stuff. my son has gone out of town for work again. no idea how long he will be gone for.

i have put down my big quilt for now as its too hot to work on right now. will pick it back up when it cools off again.

i am starting to come out of the widow fog i call it. my brain is getting better at doing thing. yesterday i did a few errands and accually remembered to do them all.

my dr called yesterday with the results of my latest bloodwork. seems i am low in iron. so yet another script to deal with. i am not sure how many things i am on now, but its getting annoying. my iron is low because i am not eating. i am not eating because i am not hungry. i am not hungry because i am in a lot of pain. sometimes when i am in a lot of pain for long periods of time my stomach is usually upset as well. so i dont want to be throwing up at work either. i buy food , i just cant seem to eat it fast enough. some days i have to force myself to eat, because of the meds. yesterday when i was picking up my meds i picked up a few things because i start my 6 days and dont think i will have the energy to do anything at the end of the day.

i have some things to do before work today. i better get to it , so will post this for now and start a new entry tomorrow.