end of the day and i am home. my legs hurt tonight. i am not sure if i should take any pain pills before bed. maybe see how i am doing in the morning. it still is hard to come home and know that brent is not just upstairs working. i miss hearing his voice. i miss him yelling down hi honey really loud. most of all i miss him holding me at night so i can sleep.

i dont sleep well. few hours now is all i get. i am up half the night wondering around. and this food thing is freaking me out. i am tired but cant sleep because i am alone, ok the cats are here and the doves and the rabbit but i am alone because i dont have anyone with me. not sure if i want someone else living here. i still miss brent too much. so much of this house reminds me of him. and shit i dont want to move again.

work was ok today and it was nice to just get through the day without any problems. i am in alot of pain right now. sometimes its hard for me to sit in my chair or lay in bed. some nights i just cant get comfortable no matter what i do. brent always made me feel safe and he would make fun of my nesting...lol . but he didnt mind he knew i needed to be comfortable as possible to sleep. now it does not matter as i cant sleep anyhow.

i got some work done on the quilt this morning. i should keep track of how many pieces i put on it every day. i want to finish this. i will send it out to be quilted. it will need to be washed when done so get all the pencil marks out. i never thought of tea dying it before i started but it still looks ok on white.

my friend brought over a sewing project she is hoping i can put together for her. its cut out and about half done. took me some time to figure out the pattern pieces and what goes where. but maybe get it done in an afternoon.

if the weather is ok tomorrow maybe bring some things to the shed. and try and get some weeding done. the gardens are looking terrible with the grass.

i was reading through some of the post in the grief support group. lots where saying how they cry alot. well...i have not cried for brent in a long time. i am not sure how this is supposed to work i have never grieved a husband before. i dont think i need to cry everyday all day. but it still baffles me on why i have not. maybe i am trying to stay in control for work and home and life in general. in weak moments i feel him near me. my heart skips a beat when i think of funny things or a memory of what was special to us. sometimes i wonder if he was ever really here. was he only in my imagination? i look around and see his things and know he was here, for a short time he changed my life. he made me feel worthy of love and i am grateful we met. that we both took a chance. i shall miss him always and wonder what could have been.....