gratitude ... what am i grateful for? i am not sure anymore. between health issues and no family i often wonder. sure i could be grateful for the usual things, such as a home and food etc but really how can i be grateful when i feel so sad.

i think unless someone has experienced depression they could not fully understand how it takes over your mind and body. no one sees whats wrong. like no one can see my fibro. my dr didnt believe there was something wrong with me. i demanded to see a specialist. took a year but finally got told what i already knew. now its on paper. now its time to apply for other monies so i can survive another few years. i dont smoke i dont drink. i dont go anywhere i dont do anything other than my needlework. so my life over all has been pretty boring.

my ex used to get mad at me for not drinking at parties. i never liked to drink and certainly didnt want to be forced to drink just to make him happy and to fake enjoy myself. he always said i was boring and when i learned to drive only took me so he would have a ride home. i once took my knitting to a party because i was sick and tired of listening to the other women brag about how drunk they got last weekend. i said i have better things to listen to than that, and i really dont give a shit how drunk they got. rather spend my money on something else. i remember when he opened a case of beer he didnt go to bed till it was all gone. so once again i spent alot of time alone.

so today is full of chores and trying to hold it together. trying to make it look like i am ok ....when in truth i am dying inside.