i had a crappy night last night. i could not sleep no matter what i tried. between the cats walking on me and knowing i was working today i just could not shut my brain off. i tossed and turned and rolled over and over. i managed to get a few hours. just not enough for me.

had a pretty good day at work. things went well and got all my work done. saw my side client and made him dinner and his muffins. i am so impressed with my muffins lately. they look store bought.

no more work done on the kitchen, i fell asleep. so will try for a bit of time tomorrow. its a shorter day tomorrow. i also have a dinner date with john tomorrow. i am looking forward to spending a few hours with him .... alone. just visiting and chatting and just us. i have to keep reminding myself this can never go anywhere, we have to remain just friends, he can never stay over here, and i can never stay at his house. why you ask? hes married. i have known him for 20 years and its only in the last year or so that our friendship has progressed to this level. we have flirted and laughed alot , i always thought that is all there is.

my heart is at a loss. i miss the company of a man. i also dont want to change his life. he has made the changes to our friendship. he invited me to dinner. i dont know where he wants this to go. but i think its time i found out, more for my piece of mind. maybe i need to know where the line is drawn.

my ex still lives. how i have no idea. he drinks all day and night. when his mother died he was nothing but a pititful drunk in front of family. i guess now they know what i was dealing with for all those years. i am still glad i am not with him. sometimes i wish our life turned out better. wish he was not a mean drunk, or didnt drink at all. maybe be a better father to his sons. no we cant change the past, only learn from it.

the rabbit stole my muffin last night.