its 5 am monday morning. i have been awake since 2am. so i got about 4 hours of sleep and i have 7 showers to do today. i will just move slow and take it one hour at a time. i miss brent so much i finding it harder and harder to sleep. i am not eating much and i am craving salt. so i bought a bag of roasted salted nuts. better than baked goods i guess.
i am finding the weekends very long. nothing on tv and too much time on my hands doing nothing. oh i have lots i should be doing, just no ambition to do it. i make a list in my head of things that need to get done and come home make tea and sit in my chair and thats where i stay. i am just too sad to do anything. i am not even interested in doing much in my art. i used to send out at least one card a day. now its not even one a week. nothing interests me. i find no joy in anything. i buy food i think i might like and forget to eat it.
i eat because i have to, because of my meds. didnt talk to anyone yesterday other than my clients. everyone is busy with their own life. i kept hoping someone would message me yesterday. i hate bothering people when they are busy and i feel like i am just a pain in the ass.
i had started a hat for a friend of ours. i am 5 rows in and have no desire to finish it.
i have started to give away some of my yarn to a young friend who will make great use of it. she cant afford to buy much and the stores right now are empty of yarn. walmart had nothing the last time i was there.
its wednesday now. i energy level is really low from working the last 6 days. but will try and finish this sometime today. i am finding i lack motavation to do anything. i have a sick full of dishes, brent would have never put up with that. i just dont care. its only me and why bother worrying about something no one else will see. the birds and cats and bunny all get fed and watered. i just dont care if i eat. i am just not hungry any more.
i am chatting to a friend of ours. he certainly does not write much online like brent used to. brent would write a whole story... i miss that. it was a joy to chat would him even over email. i am certainly not as skilled as he was in expanding on things but i really tried.
anyway i was hoping we could visit more often as we both live alone. i am not sure if he is putting me off or just found someone else he would rather spend time with. i will finish his hat anyway and hopfully get it to him asap when its done. i would like to ask him to make an urn for brents ashes, but how do you ask someone something like that?
i have errands to do after work today so its going to be a long day. pay bills and a dreaded trip to walmart to get my meds. i am going to try and get it done today so i dont have to go out tomorrow. i have chores i need to get done and once i am done those i really dont have the energy to do much. sure it forces me to get out of the house but i really dont like going to walmart. people dont wear the mask properly and some dont wear one at all. so far i am testing negative but i am doing all i can to make sure it stays that way.
i wish i had someone i could depend on to bring in the heavy things from the car like cat litter or feed.
i am still finding the house too quiet so i have the tv on alot. the talking and noise helps to keep me company. i am making myself working a little bit of some art. maybe it will help me focus on something else other than being alone.
in the shower last night i noticed how lose my rings where becoming. its both good and bad. i am worried about losing them mostly now. i moved my wedding rings from my left hand to my right. no we did not get married. he did ask the question so we where engaged and i loved that feeling of somone loving me so much . i would look up and find him just staring at me, as if he did not want to forget what i looked like. i moved my rings mostly to admit to myself that i am a widow and i am not waiting for someone to come home.