my fear of being alone is always going to be there i think. its something i have to accept. no one wants an old lady. i am sure brent would say i am not old and i am still beautiful but life is what it is today and he is not here to kiss me and tell me his loves me.

i did grocery yesterday. didnt buy much...mostly stuff for the zoo. i didnt see anything i even wanted to eat. i have no desire to eat. i feel sick most of the time and yesterday i was dizzy all day. no idea what that was from. only thing i can think of its a fibro thing.

so many things need to be fixed here. i have no idea how to do it. i need a new tap in the kitchen. the toilet keeps running, which means i pay for the water. wish i knew someone who would help me with things like this. i cant get parts anyhow. everything is still closed.

the first flowers are dying off in the garden. brent would have loved seeing them. he loved my flower choices. i cant remember what is next to bloom but i love the colour. i did some weeding and whipper snipping. makes the yard look a little neater.i will have to deal with the side yard too. not sure what to do about porkys pen. the area of the yard was dug up and it could grow something but the light there is not the best. i need to buy some dirt too. to try and level out some of the ruts in the yard.

i finally got around to changing the tea cups today. didnt take long. its just every time i look at the cabinet i think of brent and how proud he was to find it for me. almost everything in this house reminds me of brent in some way.

i did some work in the sunroom today. i swept the floor and took some things to the shed. i think i will keep the tools in the house. with the current crime rate around here it might be a wise idea. i set up the wicker again and moved around a few other things. i think it will work. i started out there so i could move the ironing board out there with the fabric. now there is no space for the ironing board...oh well. i can always move something life has been so upended this last 6 months. its like my whole life has moved sideways and its never going back....