the stars of love are fickle with me these days. my friend john and i had dinner together last sunday. it was his idea to get together. i on the other hand was thrilled with the idea of a. not being alone for yet another frozen dinner, and b. going out. i have always enjoyed johns company. we have known each other about 20 years now. always been good friends. things have changed recently, more for him than me. he wants to spend private time with me. why i dont know. maybe i should ask him next time i see him. why do i question this? because he is married. he says he is happy with his wife. i dont know for sure what is going on with him. we really enjoyed our dinner . we didnt go some place expensive. just to the local diner near me. we talked and laughed and flirted and i loved every minute of it. i felt very special and for a little bit i was his. after almost 2 years alone it was nice to not eat alone.

its thanks giving day. i went to work and was pretty depressed about it. another holiday spent working. no special dinner. no family around . although my oldest stopped in and took the AC out of the window for me. so now i can put the heat on. he was driving back down to work 6 hours from here. i had a frozen dinner and hot chocolate for supper. better than a grilled cheese i guess. it was really hard to pretend i was happy today. all i wanted to do was stay home and hide in my room. i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me, but it would have been nice to be invited some place for dinner.

the nights are long i find. no one to share things with. i think i miss that alot some days. i still dont sleep well at night. i miss the snuggle when going to sleep and the i love yous. i feel so empty inside. it feels like a huge part of me was scooped out when brent died and i have nothing even to put back in. i really feel the lonliness on days like this.

my doctor retired last month. she however was great and managed to get me a new dr. i am so grateful for that. i am on so many meds now i dont think i could have gone to the walk in all the time to get a new script.

i am not even in the mood to work on my quilt. i am just so sad lately.