Relevation
I opened Evernote today, a program I haven’t used since I replaced it with Bear. During 2020/2021 I used to write in it a lot. Quite apart from Covid, which was ruining my mental health from being inside, I was dealing with two people close to me being seriously ill, one of whom I cared for at his end. I think it’s safe to say I suffered during those two years quite a bit.
Some things are hard to remember after time has passed. Perhaps, there’s just a faint impression of what was, but even the worst of trauma is forgotten and only replaced by this feeling or shadow of itself. Reading back over my 2/3 year old writings, I see that I had quite forgotten just how bad my mental health had got.
During that time also I had written quite a bit of fiction. Nothing substantial, just maybe one or two chapters worth of various stories I had made up in my head. On some of them I had written the names of music I had been listening to at the time. One I didn’t recognise, so looked it up, and was greeted with deep, bassy instrumental music. I think it probably reflected quite well my mental state at that time.
I had a bit of a struggling relationship to writing. I spend a lot of time thinking I don’t do it, or can’t do it, and yet I have hundreds of pages of weird things I’ve written. I have no interest in fully reliving the pain of two years of Hell, but it is a good reminder that I do actually, and can actually, write.
I’m off work next week, and I look forward to taking this revelation with me into that time, and writing something.