write.as

It was never part of the plan.

#storytime #relationships

One night in December, I asked my boyfriend of two months: You're not keeping any secrets from me, are you?

Dating a guy in his late 30's, I should expect that he'd done quite a few things in his life. I was semi-ready for something shocking.

He told me that he has fathered a child.

Is it okay with you? he asked.

I don't think it's totally okay...that you didn't tell me sooner.

I spent the night crying while he was asleep. I never imagined that I would be dating an illegitimate child's father. Worse, he could have told me right in the beginning so I could somehow make a decision if I could take something like that in life.

Sordid questions, which he wasn't willing to answer, flooded through my head — How old is your child? Why aren't you with them? Why did you separate with her mother? Why didn't it work out?

It would take me about three more months to squeeze out further information about his clandestine past. He wasn't comfortable talking about it. Apparently, it was tormenting, a horrible time in the past for him.

I didn't feel far from that, as I kind of felt that this fact would affect our relationship in the future.

I'm scared that your ex will fuck us up, and that your kid will pull us apart

Now I'm one of the reasons why someone's daddy is not gonna be reuniting with someone's mommy. It feels like I'm trying to keep this family apart, even if they have never been whole, according to him.

I thought about the many ways in which his ex-family could fuck us up. I remembered those days when I was dating a childless, newly married, young man, and how much it hurt to share the person that you love with someone.

I was afraid that they would come to get him sooner or later.

He assured me that nobody was gonna take him away from me.

I have to deal with other people's disgust

Recently, the kid commented on one of his public Facebook pictures and said, “Yuck, who's that papa?”

I read it. I sobbed over that. Of course, they would hate me.

On the flipside, it could be his ex commenting and that the bitch was just trying to ruin our lives. He hasn't heard from them in a long while.

I fear that we would have to meet at some point, and I would see him in a different light. He wouldn't just be the carefree, freedom-loving surfer that I met; he was also going to be this doting father who once “accidentally” shot cum into a woman's vagina before splitting up with her.

Oh well, I guess it's a part of being in a serious, adult relationship. You must be prepared to see people in unexpected situations, swallow your pride, meet people you wish you've never known, and stick around during uncomfortable situations.

I'm not leaving your daddy, little girl.

I feel bad about him leaving a woman who bore his child, but it's a part of his life that I'm not supposed to put my hands on. I have no choice but to accept it, and not see it as baggage that's being carried into our relationship.

Most importantly, I should not think that he could possibly do the same thing to me (even if I'm so prepared for singlehood motherhood, should I ever have to live as one.) I must have this sort of blind faith that he did what he could do, and that things just didn't work out for him. I gotta support him and accept his past.

Or I should probably just leave the past behind and focus on the brighter days in the future.

What matters is that he's with me now.

---

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.