Intrusive Thoughts and Mannerisms.

I do not know when this all started. These feelings, these intrusive thoughts. I truly cannot say. They just started appearing. Faintly. Very subtly. At first, I was certain they were nothing more than common teenage concerns, it is natural to feel uneasy, I told myself. Anxious? A lot of anxious teenagers all over the world, yes, worry not. I am just at 'that age'.

It is normal. I am normal. Nothing but useless concerns. Is it because I do not have a girlfriend? Would getting myself a romantic partner give my life..purpose? The fullfillment which it had been so sorely lacking? That is what they say, right? “You make me whole.”

Yes, why exactly do I never drink before, or during a meal? Well, I am quite the lean guy, and if I am to gain any sort of buff, food comes first. I am being truthful, that is the only reason. I am being odd? What can I say? Different people have different rituals. It is part if me. My person. It just feels right. I like it best when everything feels 'just right'. It is right to eat my food from left to right. If I do not..something will be wrong.

The books on my shelf? The way I interact with certain things? I like keeping my room tidy. My room is a mess!? Well..these books are especially important to me, so I keep them structured. It just looks right. It feels right what they stand in that specific order.

Did I forget to..put my book back? Did I put it underneath Lovecraft, where it is supposed to be? I did, right? I want to- I need to check. It is okay, I will just turn the test in a bit early. It is not as if 35 minutes would make a difference anyway..

OCD? Ridiculous. I laughed at the suggestion. There was no way..

It is not normal feeling this way, though these people will never understand. How could they possibly understand when even I cannot put it into words? This indescribable feeling.. I must explain, I must word myself in such a manner so they will be able to understand what is going on inside of me.

I am sick of them calling me lazy, or that they tell me I am not applying myself enough. Can they not see my struggles? I have worked hard for 3 days straight now. My mind, unable to get any rest.