lonelydonkey

~ So We're Working From Home ~

The pandemic, for me, started in the middle of March 2020. We'd heard about the virus before this, how it was spreading. I suppose it was a matter of time before it would arrive here.

Our department supports various functions of our workplace. We thought the possibility of closing down and having to work remotely was a likely possibility, it was just a matter of when. We scheduled a meeting on March 13th, a Friday. We broke off into little groups with assigned tasks aimed at addressing how all our employees would work from home. We'd barely started when an email was sent to all staff indicating we would have to work from home, starting end of day on Monday, March 16th.

That happened fast.

Now we were scrambling in some sense. It's moments like this I'm thankful I'm not a manager but at the same time I was keyed into my work email and ready to respond if I thought I could help in any way.

Then it was Monday, and I worked my last shift on site for who knows how long. I carried my laptop and stuffed my monitors into bags and awkwardly made my way to my car and drove home. I left a workplace and entered this new, strange world of working from home.

The first thing to happen is my work stuff took over the desk I'd recently bought. I'm a gamer, I finally got around to getting a proper desk and chair so I didn't sit on the floor playing online for hours on end. While I was working, my own laptop sat off to the side. Once I was done I'd pull my laptop over and open it up and resume a somewhat normal home routine, just about a half hour sooner.

~ First Signs of Trouble ~

I'm not sure when it happened but I started to feel my mood shift.

I spent all day, every day, in the same room of my apartment. I worked and played at the same desk.

My daily routine changed. I didn't have to drive anywhere so I slept in until a half hour before I needed to 'be at work.' I pretty much stayed in my PJ's, in part because hardly anyone saw me and I didn't always need to show my face during Zoom meetings if I didn't want to. In part I wanted to limit my visits to the laundry mat because that meant I'd likely be around people and I'd have to haul the laundry bags to and from, all while wearing a mask.

I stopped going for my usual walks around town. I started to feel anxiety about leaving my apartment because I might encounter people in the halls or in the elevator or foyer of the building.

I pretty much stopped going to grocery stores and relied on a store across the street. I could get most of the food I'd need from there but I couldn't buy meats or fresh fruits and veggies. Frozen fruits lost their appeal, even when I made smoothies.

I started seeing those arrows on the floors telling you which way to go down an aisle. People started to wear masks and social distances was strongly encouraged. I don't recall when I first started wearing masks but I tried to get them before I knew it would be required to enter stores.

I'm very keen on following the rules. It causes me a great deal of stress to possibly make mistakes or break rules or cause anyone to get angry with me. I made sure to follow those arrows. I gave people ample space so they didn't think I was too close or crowding them. If I wasn't sure what the rules might be for a certain space, or if there were capacity limits, I would just avoid those spaces all together.

The more time I spent at home the worse I started to feel. Somewhere along the way I stumbled upon articles that would talk about keeping up a routine, but more interesting was the idea of having a dedicated space I could leave when I was done working. I had another room, I'd just move my desk in there and go back to sitting on the floor when I was gaming. This seemed to help a bit, at least.

~ Health and Home ~

Back in February 2020 a few things happened. My boyfriend had planned to fly out my way but as the virus became more of a concern it was a somewhat mutual decision that he shouldn't fly out. He cancelled. And I felt very upset over this. Maybe I'm selfish and it was a risk for him to come out and potentially get sick coming and going through a very high volume airport and either bring it to me or take it back home to his family.

Worse still, I was informed that my dad had been diagnosed with a throat tumor. They were awaiting more scans, tests, and consultations. Relations being what they were I didn't really know what to do about this information. I guess I'd always wondered if it was possible my dad might get cancer as he smoked and he was also a heavy drinker. But with the virus it was also a possibility he might get it and that might do him in as he was over that 65 mark.

Oh, and I found out about my dad's cancer a few days after the 8th anniversary if my mom's death.

The year was off to a great start.

But wait, there's more! Now it's December 2020 and it seems my dad had undergone some treatment but it seems he didn't really win that fight. The cancer was back. All I knew is that a doctor would be talking with my dad to discussion his options and they wanted to know what I wanted to do.

We were talking about if I wanted to be there when dad passes.

Some kind of reality was hitting me harder than my brain knew how to process.

When my mom died it was sudden and unexpected. But with my dad, there was time, sort of. We could predict it, but at the same time it wasn't real.

There were some odd... strained... emails that sparked at the end of August, though I didn't respond until November. Then he started calling, which freaked me out. I left him to leave voicemails and I responded with an email. He was persistent with his calls and caught me while driving. I was hands-free but I told him I couldn't talk but he wanted to call me when I was home.

The call was a struggle. I didn't know what to say. I was filled to the brim with anxiety. He never eluded to his cancer. I knew from his first voicemail that he sounded different. His voice wasn't as deep as it used to be. He coughed during the call. He still sounded like my dad, he still had the same vocal mannerisms and flow.

We ended that call and I'm sure I tried from the stress.

After hearing his cancer was back I was prompted to send some update emails, I guess. I sent a bunch of photo updates of where I worked, my pets, my car. I'd also picked painting for some reason so I shared some of the better ones, as well as some shots of the supplies.

I guess I was trying to let him know I was ok.

Then it was the morning of January 7th. I got a message that my dad had decided the time had come for him. The doctor would come out tomorrow and that would be it. He'd be gone.

I read this message while I was in the middle of a call with a client. I didn't hear anything they said but when a natural gap came up I asked to place them on hold. I asked a colleague if they could take over my call and I messaged my boss.

So ensued a tearful call. Then I was off and pacing and crying and trying to figure out what I was going to do.

It must have been around 3pm when I made the drive out there. First time I'd really been 'home' in years. A few trees were missing but there was a massive ice rink in the backyard, larger than the ones I used to skate on during the winter months. I was told dad typically went to bed around 5pm so I'd get a bit of time and have a convenient 'out.'

I knocked, was let in. Saw my nephew at the table, whom I hadn't seen in years. My sister let me know and my brother was off in the other room. It was awkward, to say the least.

Some things had changed, like the flooring of the kitchen. But others remained the same, like the cupboards and counter tops... and the stand where my mom always put her purse down when she got home. That was still there. A little dusty, a little dry and some cracks were showing in the fake, black leather. But it's exactly how she would have set it down.

Eventually I heard my dad. My sister was helping him down the stairs. When I saw him a few things happened in the span of seconds.

His eyes brightened and he smiled and said “hey you!”

My hand went to my mouth as I felt a swell of emotion shoot up my throat and I looked away and worked furiously to stop myself from crying.

The man I saw was smaller. Very thin, very frail. Unsteady on his feet. His face was gaunt. He had a thinned beard, not quite the length it used to be, not that it was very long but well trimmed and full. His hair was maybe an inch, inch and a half in length.

I'd come to the conclusion later that he underwent radiation therapy and/or chemo in an attempt to fight his cancer. The surgical options would likely have left him without an ability to speak, eat or drink properly. I'd also learn that the tumor made it very difficult for him to eat or drink without getting sick.

Dad wanted to have a smoke so we went outside. It was winter and maybe it was cool. I was shaking while we were out there, but part of that was my anxiety. He talked... and I said a little here and there. He commented on my car and didn't seem to disapprove of my choice, even though I bought new when they always looked for used vehicles.

He noted I was cold and ushered us inside. We sat in the living room for a while. He really hadn't changed much. He sounded like the same person. He was very animated, despite how he looked and might have felt. He seemed to have some hearing issues. I'd expect as much for someone that never really wore hearing protection while cutting the lawn once a week or every other week, or used chainsaws and hedge trimmers. Maybe something else was up to make him feel like his ears were stuffed.

Thankfully my sister was there to kind of help ease the situation, even though I felt equally tense around her. But she helped fill the void with conversation as I didn't know what to say or what to talk about. I never really talked to my dad. I listened while he voiced his opinion. I didn't really go along with him as I grew up and started to form my own, but disagreeing to a point would result in exhausting debates or nasty arguments.

At one point dad started to sit up and looked around and muttered that he thought someone left a door open. My sister looked at him oddly as he left the room. But I knew the house well to know he was headed to the bathroom. We hear the door close. My sister commented that he's likely throwing up.

It was an odd moment that my dad would have likely thrown up in the repurposed cat litter container acting as a bucket, had I not been there. That he made the effort to avoid doing that in front of me. I don't quite know what to make of it. I don't exactly know what he did that. It wasn't the first as he did it again later.

But this point it was around 6pm and I had to ask how long before he might actually go to bed because I was both anxious to leave as I had animals waiting for me to feed them. But I also hadn't eaten myself since breakfast and I, myself, would probably feel sick if I didn't get home.

I can't recall how we decided to wrap up the visit as it was getting towards 7pm now. My sister had, at some point, gotten some boxes of things together for me to take home. So that had to be loaded into my car.

When that was all done I was standing in the hall by the door, awkwardly looking at my dad; my sister and brother were in the kitchen behind him. We're not much for hugging in this family, we never were. But we all knew that this was likely the last time I'd see my dad, his inevitable passing barely 24 hours from now.

He blurted something about just getting this out of the way and he just stepped in and put his arms around him and hugged me. I barely recall my arms coming up and hands feeling and reinforcing how small he'd gotten compared to the man I knew growing up. I felt my face break, tears welling up. I saw my sister's face do something similar.

I don't quite recall what I said when I said goodbye. I turned to leave and head out the door but dad hastily followed me.

It's a surreal moment. Something that tries to play out like a movie or TV show. A moment where my dad was trying to impart some meaning, some wisdom upon me, something meaningful about life and our purpose. That we shouldn't dwell on the past and not focus too much on the future. He said he read about book that suggest we have have today and that we should live in the moment, in that day. It really hurt to know what it was doing, that this was the last time he'd see me...

I drove home. I carried the boxes and containers up to my apartment in about 4 trips. I cried a lot. I have a call with a friend as I went through all these containers. One of the stuffed animals I had as a kid. Another of stuff from high school and trips I'd taken. A couple contained a lot of Christmas ornaments and decorations. Others were set aside by dad. Apparently he wanted to send me off with his sketchbooks and some things he'd painted. Some sketches that he'd done in pencil. He also left me the mechanical pencils he always favoured, ones I'd seen him tuck in his front breast pocket of his shift when he'd go to work

I was off work the next day, waiting. I couldn't bring myself to go out there. I couldn't bring myself to see my dad die. I didn't want that to be the last thing I remembered. So I waited... eventual, just after 1:30pm, my sister said it was done. Dad has passed peacefully at home, in his recliner, with family and surrounded by the life he'd tried to make for himself and his family.

I wonder, now, if he'd wanted the box that contained mom's ashes near him. We never buried her. Dad wasn't ready for that and wanted to be laid to rest at the same time.

How strange it is to have lost one parent suddenly and unexpectedly, and the other to be aware and confronted with an illness and ability to choose their time. It's a different kind of pain, but it hurts just as much. More so, now, as old wounds break open.

~ Wonder Drug of Choice ~

It was always in the news that we'd probably need a vaccine to pull us out of this pandemic for good. Masking, social distancing, limited capacity and closing down non-essential services wasn't enough. People were still getting infected. Some were getting sick. Some needed to go into the hospitals. Some ended up in the ICU and on ventilators. Others died.

Pfizer. Moderna. AstraZeneca.

These were accepted and approved under the Interim Order to vaccinate against the virus.

Though, it seems AstraZeneca has fallen out of favour for our dear country, and likely for good reason. I had thought this might be the vaccine for me. I liked that it was... somewhat more familiar in it's delivery mechanism? But it's still not like the vaccines I've had as a kid, teenager, or young adult, or even like the flu vaccines I, admittedly, rarely get.

The last flu shot I got was in 2019 and it was only because my doctor asked me if I wanted it when we wrapping up our appointment. I honestly didn't know how to tell my doctor no. I mean, I've never had the flu before, but I've known people that have and I hear about how miserable they feel. It just feels a little silly to tell a medical professional that you'd rather risk it? So I reluctantly agreed and carried on about my day.

Had it not been for that visit I never would have thought about getting the flu shot that year. I don't know that I ever encountered anyone with the flu so I'm not really sure I needed it. Those I mentioned that got it lived in other cities as they attended college or university.

I've always been under the impression that those at risk of getting seriously ill would and should get the flu shot. The really young, the elderly, those with certain risk factors and weakened immune systems. Generally I would say I'm young, healthy, and not likely to get sick enough that I might have to go to the hospital. Maybe when I get into my 60's I'll consider getting it on a more regular basis.

These last few paragraphs aren't meant to draw comparisons between the flu and the current virus. I know they're different. I know they impact our bodies in vastly different ways. What I'm really demonstrating is that I will do some level of risk assessment to figure out whether or not I think I need to do something, like getting a vaccine. There are a couple I didn't get, like the one for chickenpox – I had that, oddly enough, as a teenager. The HPV was another as it was pretty new and targets at young teen girls I think, and I had entered young adulthood. I was under the impression I couldn't get it or it would be less effective at my age so I shrugged my shoulders and carried on.

I hadn't heard anything terrible about the mRNA vaccines and I've known a few people that got them. However, the risk of blood clots from the AstraZeneca vaccine in my age group was concerning. Suddenly I didn't feel as confident about this one, though I'm not sure if I was a person that might have been at risk of blood clots. Either way, my eyes returned to the mRNA vaccines as I had to wait until my age group was eventually eligible.

I talked with a friend and they were open to talking about their experiences and helped me interpret and understand how they worked and what they did. They would send me links to research papers and studies that I could read through. I'd give it my best shot to understand the information and if I had any questions they would be there to work through the questions and concepts.

It helped. But... I still get a lot of anxiety. In part, it's new. It's different. But there's another aspect that I will do my best to talk about and explain. Then I will do my best to put words to how I've been feeling these past few months.

I, personally, think our dear leaders and experts have done a terrible job communicating honestly and with transparency. I think their own desires, motives, and urgency to beat this virus and get back to normal and support our hospitals has resulted in some unfortunate outcomes.

I don't think they adequately communicated the nature of the protection afforded by the vaccines. You are not immune, as some people seem to think. You might be less likely to get infected, but you are not immune. You can get infected, but maybe you'll be asymptomatic. With the emergence of the delta variant it seems you might be slight more at risk of getting infected and you may even experience some symptoms.

There's a lot more to this, though. The vaccine isn't a guarantee. Everyone responds differently and the response you have and the immunity you develop will vary from person to person. I believe most of us will develop a strong immune response as a result of the vaccine. However, part of this relies on having a good immune system. We know this is weaker in elderly people and those that have other health complications that can weaken or suppress their immune system.

You may have been a kidney transplant recipient and you're on immunosuppressant medications. You may have received both your vaccine does and may not have had a significant immune response, or maybe you had no response. It should be no surprise that, despite getting your 'jabs' as people say, you are not, in fact, protected from the virus.

So, depending on your immune response, you can still get infected, you may experience systems. Keep in mind if you're experiencing symptoms then you're also as risk of spreading the virus. With the delta gaining more ground, and a recent report from the CDC, based on preliminary studies, indicating vaccinated individual can spread the virus.

This is jumping ahead a little bit, as I need to take a step back, so let's put a pin in this and we'll get back to this.

What seemed interesting at one point is around intervals between vaccine doses. Those were defined by each manufacturing of their respective vaccine. Presumably based on data from their own studies. I found these intervals were warped a little and, in par, I believe that was influence by supply and demand. Keeping up with specific vaccine schedules requires you have inventory of the vaccine.

Getting the first dose was crucial as it would offer a little protection from the virus. However, knowing we would likely fall short on our supply that meant we needed something to indicate it would be ok to extend the interval and delay second doses, while still carrying out the initial dose campaign. It seems they found the data they needed to rubber stamp the extension. However, once more supplies of the vaccine were secured the doors were blown open to accelerate the vaccine schedule and open up appointments to younger and younger age groups.

This leads into something else. Science is not set in stone. It might as well be a living organism, like those we study in life and in labs. We rely on data to make some kind of conclusion based on the question posed at the beginning. A lack of data doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong or doesn't exist, it just means there's no data and maybe it's an avenue of research. Propose and test your thesis.

Follow the Science is a terrible slogan. And people have used this as a weapon to bludgeon people. When the government wanted and needed to address supply issues and the impacts it would have on their ability to maintain the intervals outlined by the manufacturers... what data did they have to extend the interval? None, I suspect. Not quite. What they likely needed to do was pour over information the manufacturers has that might have allowed them to recommend their specific interval.

They posed a question, sought information and data. They found some data, assessed it, and likely had to look at their current supplies, when they might expire, when they might receive additional shipments, and determined an appropriate interval that would still provide acceptable immune response and protection.

At this point, what I'm getting at is I need information. I have questions that I need answers to. I have concerns that cannot be addressed because it requires significant time in order to accumulate data. I believe in science but I know it changes and I know opinions change as more information comes to light.

~ The Journey ~

My age group eventually was eligible for vaccination as a result of the new shipments of vaccines. I can't recall if it was predominantly Pfizer or Moderna or a combination of the two. At any rate, I resigned myself to Moderna as my choice of vaccination. My friend had it and had relayed their experiences in detail so I might know what to expect. I also knew of a few others that received it.

This is where things get interesting. I am a little stubborn and I don't really like being told what to do. I don't like being forced to do something I don't feel comfortable doing. I also generally don't like doing something I haven't done before so I may be very apprehensive until I eventually experience whatever it is. Maybe that's going to a concert for the first time, going to a new restaurant or a bar I've never been to. Trying something new... it makes me anxious.

There's more to this, though. It's a very polarized topic. There are a lot of strong emotions about it. About the virus. About masking. Following the arrows in the stores. I can't tell you the rants I've seen online from people I know because someone wasn't wearing a mask, or they went the wrong way down an aisle. The number of times someone got on their soap box to preach about how they wear a mask despite how uncomfortable it is.

I understand this is a stressful time for people. It's scary. You don't know if you or someone you know will get sit, get really ill, or maybe they or you might die.

It's. Scary.

But that fear has run rampant and has allowed people to stop seeing others as people. They see that as the 'other'. It has become an us vs. them. Vaccinated vs. Unvaccinated. Masked vs. the Anti-Maskers. Anti-Vaxxers.

I watched a video recently of a woman that, I had hoped, might more accurately talk about the different groups of supposed anti-vaxxers. And I was disappointed.

One group was accurately the anti-vaxxers we've know that believe that all vaccines are bad, that you should build immunity by actually getting and overcoming the diseases. They even lapse into government conspiracy theories.

Where they failed is when they simply suggested the other group just didn't believe the virus is serious or a threat, that it's a hoax, or that the virus won't kill that many people.

I have to step in, then, and suggest there is a third grouping that unjustly fall under the anti-vaxxer category they really don't belong to. These are the people, like me, that believe in vaccines and believe they are good, they do protect us from diseases that are very serious, and those that children are more likely to be vulnerable to.

However, the vaccines we and others like me received as children, or maybe people older than me that had their children vaccinated with, have been around for quite a long time. Some of these were around before I was born. There's trust in that. They've been around the block, a lot of people get them. Nothing really terrible happened to people. It's fine. They're safe in my eyes. I feel comfortable getting them and if I had kids I would work with my doctor and look at the schedule and ensure my kids were adequately vaccinated and protected.

But these vaccines, these ones are new. It's a new technology, they've never really been used with humans. It's the first time they've used this technology to develop vaccines. It feels too new and too untested. The long term impacts to the health of all ages and sexes and still unknown because the data isn't there. We're barely into a year of vaccinating everyone in our Country.

This is where AstraZeneca seemed ok at first, until it was administered to the population at large, and adverse events started to tick up related to clotting conditions. Eventually some people died as a result of these complications.

I talked with my friend with the science brain and we looked at how these vaccines worked and how they were different. They're similar enough, with a few differences of what happens after they enter the cell and how they're eventually transcribed by the Ribosomes.

At any rate, I'm not going to go too far down that track because I'll start to get more and more things wrong, and I don't like that. That's not what I'm here to talk about.

I started to hear bad things about one of the vaccines and said it wasn't for me. The government basically took it off the table and effectively pawned it off on other countries, masquerading as good people.

Meanwhile, I started to feel a lot of pressure. The time had come and I had to figure out what I was going to do. I still wasn't sure the vaccine was right for me. I still wanted to wait. I still wanted more information. I wanted more time to feel like it was safe. I wanted years but I didn't think I had that. I started to worry. At work they were requiring vaccines for a specific group but hadn't yet mandated vaccines for regularly staff. Sorry, I'm being a bit vague here.

I was otherwise avoiding talking about the topic and I was getting messages asking me, from a person that cares deeply and is like a second mother to me. Or third, I can't keep track sometimes. I'm grateful to the people that care about me but I was starting to feel harassed. I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to sound and be labeled as an anti-vaxxer. I didn't want to be ostracized because I wasn't confident in the vaccines. I didn't feel safe or comfortable to take that step.

It got to a point that I was sitting at my computer, looking at the government website and I was shaking. And I started to cry uncontrollably. I would find mass vaccination clinics at places upwards of an hour away by car. I would look at pharmacies near me and start to register to receive notifications of available supplies and appointment with the assumption it would be Moderna. Even our workplace offered vaccinations clinics, but in the time it took me to look at it and contemplate picking an appointment, they were gone.

This scene happened a couple times. I'd sit at my computer, look at the website, register at other pharmacies, and cry.

Seems a little irrational for someone that likes to claim a level head, that thinks critically and thoroughly. That I would get so immensely upset and have full on breakdowns...

I think I wait a few days or a week when I got a text that I could book my 1st dose at a nearby pharmacy. I started crying again. I messaged my science friend and another friend. I have maybe two people I've talked in depth about the pandemic because I think we're level headed and willing to have these discussions. We can talk about and see all the different sides and respect the other person, regardless of the side they land on. It seems rare, in this time, that such people exist and that I might have found myself with at least these two rare minds...

I booked my appointment. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know how I'd react. Would I need a day off work? How to I request that? Apparently we didn't need to log the time off work for the appointments because they just wanted us to get it done. But I was torn because I didn't want to tell anyone what I was doing. I just didn't and still don't want people to know. I didn't put the request in the system and simply put it in our team calendar that I had an appointment.

The day rolled around and I did my screening. I planned out the route to the pharmacy. I specific chose locations I could easily walk to. I didn't want to drive because I would go alone and wouldn't know how I'd react. What if I was ok initial after the vaccine and was allowed to drive, and half way through the drive something might happen and I got into an accident? Irrational, maybe, but not a risk I wanted to take. Not to mention I didn't need an hour of time alone in an car driving to a very stressful moment in my life.

So I talked to the pharmacy and I was early. I followed the instructions to only arrive 10 minutes prior to the appointment. I walked in, said I was there for a vaccination appointment. They took my health card and indicated I could sit down. Eventually the pharmacist called me into the room.

This is where some concerns fly up in the face of everything. It was never confirmed what vaccine I was being given, I wasn't informed of typical symptoms I might experience. I just indicated whether I was left or right handed and sat down facing a certain way and tried very hard not to look at what she was doing.

The need went in and I barely felt it. I don't think I've ever had a needle go in that smooth in my life. I always felt some kind of pressure and some sensation that there was something in my arm. So, I suppose if I had to do this again I'd hope to get her again for more of the same.

She directed me to sit outside for about 10 to 15 minutes. I did. She eventually said I could go and that I shouldn't use my arm much. I walked back and got home.

I felt exhausted. I'd done it. The vaccine was in. Now I just had to wait. But for the rest of the day all I wanted to do was sleep. I suppose this is where I say I did this on a Monday... Maybe not the smartest idea since I was about to endure the effects of the vaccine for the rest of the work week.

As the day progressed I started to feel a little sore in the muscle by the injection site. This pain would escalate so by about day 3 I couldn't lift my arm above my shoulder. This is also the same arm I use my mouse with. The simple movement of going from typing on my keyboard to reaching over for my mouse hurt. It was annoying at points because I would wince every time.

I also had a moment in the middle of the night, waking up in sudden pain because I'd rolled onto my arm. I can't say I've ever been so confused in my life. Barely a fraction of a second registered in my brain that I had rolled over when I pulled myself up, hissing in pain, reaching for my injured arm. I've dealt with some level of pain in my lower back, and I've strained the muscles to the point of being unable to do anything but lie still. But I've never been woken up in the middle of the night from pain.

The pain I think cleared up faster than it built up. And that was the end of my 1st dose experience.

I will take this moment to say I felt rather angry once I'd gotten this dose. Was I less skeptical of the technology that allowed for me to get this kind of vaccine? Did I feel better about getting it, safer? Was or I did I feel some relief, like I don't have to worry about getting really sick from the virus? That I don't have to worry that I might have died if I hadn't gotten even my 1st dose. I still don't know if I'm afraid of the virus, of getting sick or having to go to the hospital. I'd done everything I could to stay safe, even when I had to visit work in person.

I also didn't want to feel like I was betraying myself somehow. I still feel like I was pushed to get this vaccine. I still do not believe this was by choice. If the threshold of choice is I wasn't held down and forcefully injected, then I think we have bigger issues. Choice shouldn't leave me feeling like this. Choice shouldn't have caused me to have emotion breakdowns. Choice shouldn't have made me feel like my employment could have been in jeopardy, or that I might not be able to go into a store or restaurant months or more into the future.

I was not able to reach a point that I felt the risk of infection and risk of illness or death was high enough. That the data was there to make me feel like nothing bad would happen to me in the short or long term if I did get this new vaccine. I never reached that point, and now I'm angry but it's confusing because it's not at a single person, it's at institutions...

I will say that it was perhaps when the pain had faded that our common news outlets started to report on the cases of myocarditis after specific people seemed to receive their second dose of I think Pfizer? On the one hand it seemed to be predominantly younger men but it made me very nervous. I felt a new spike of fear and it started up a string of new discussions and conversations and make sense of it all and figure out if this is something I needed to worry about.

The talks helped and it calmed me a bit. For now it didn't seem like I was in that risk category. I wasn't male and I wasn't quite that young. I was likely just outside that grouping.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. What unknowns might this vaccine hold for my future health? Something or nothing... only time will tell.

At any rate, it seemed a little up in the air when I could get the 2nd dose and I wasn't sure if I had or could book it now or if I had to wait. Eventually I figured out the pharmacy would have it on their records and the system would notify me when I was eligible for my second and if there were available appointments.

So, I waited nearly 4 weeks and sure enough, another text message.

I suppose I was beyond crying at this point and resigned to my fate. I booked an appointment later in the day, but still hopeful the same woman would administer the needle.

I left work a little early and walked to the pharmacy. The same woman was there and would administer my second dose. It wasn't as good as the first time. I did feel the needle a little this time. I left the room to sit on the chairs provided, though no one came by to say I could go on not. I'm not sure if it was just the time of day or maybe they'd administered so many vaccines they were just a little exhausted. But I waited, maybe for longer than I needed, before just... leaving.

Since it was later in the day I probably went to bed before my arm had much of a chance to feel sore. It was a bit more sore the next day but overall I didn't not experience the same level of pain as I did with the first shot. I was also able to raise my arm above my shoulder. However, part way through day two I did experience a mild fever that peaked at 99.7 F but it only lasted half the day. My arm did get a little swollen and I noticed, in the mirror, it was red around the site. In that moment I became aware of how warm to the touch that are was.

I was definitely having an inflammatory response, just a little different than last time. The redness and warmth stayed for a few days. I did end up taking a day and a half off work because I also experienced headaches. I spent a good bit of time in bed just sleeping through the headaches and general fatigue I felt.

I hadn't wanted to tell my team I was simply sick when I was likely to have to take more than that afternoon off, or maybe more than that day off. I ended up telling my boss I'd gotten my 2nd dose and was having a stronger/different reaction to the vaccine. I still wish I hadn't told my boss that, I wish I could have kept that information to myself. Maybe I could have but I wasn't sure how long I was going to feel like crap.

Also, towards the last couple days of pain in the muscle I also felt itchy. My one friend said it wasn't completely unusual but to keep an eye on it. I tried not to rub or scratch too much but I slipped up once or twice.

I feel like maybe the effects of the 2nd dose stayed an extra couple days but otherwise I was in the clear again.

Now, presumable, I had to wait 2 weeks to be full vaccinated. After hitting that milestone I have to say that nothing changed.

~ Post Vaccination and Beyond ~

So, nothing has changed.

I don't feel any better about being vaccinated.

I don't feel any safer or any more willing to go out to the grocery store and I haven't stepped near a restaurant, even though those opened back up. I did get a haircut once they were allowed to open and the initial rush subsided, but that experience was no different than a year prior when we limited capacities and had to wear masks.

I still don't go out. I still wear a mask. I still wash my hands. If I got to work I'll still be isolated and distancing. I'll still have to use the designated cleaning products on any equipment I work on or any surfaces I touch.

Now we can return to the recent report from the CDC regarding viral spread from infected people that have been fully vaccinated.

This anger me. This, following a larger staff meeting and observing certain behaviours and speech, angers me.

A few days prior I was listening to some people speak out in anger so that they might mask their fear. They openly refused to have anyone that wasn't vaccinated enter their space. Another wanted our employer to implement rapid testing but only to the unvaccinated.

I had also come across articles and news sources suggesting that children that were not vaccinated, or full vaccinated, that tested positive, would have to quarantine at home, while their vaccinated counterparts could remain. They would not be able to return until they had two negative tests, and if, by the 7th day, they still did not test negative, they would have to wait an additional 10 days. Here is some doctor trying to dangle a vaccine in front of children, while simultaneously holding a stick behind their back.

This segregation, this discrimination, angers me. And now, on top of what the CDC is putting forth, I just wish there was someone I can shake. I want to shake some sense into people. I want people to actually listen to how they sound. I want people to really see what they're saying and how careless they are with their words.

If the preliminary study is true and even those fully vaccinated can get sick enough to spread the virus, what now to these people have to say? Sure, you can still encourage people to get it, but you can hardly cast them out if the vaccines are not what they once were. You can hardly say someone that is vaccinated is any less of a risk if they can still get infected and still spread the virus.

If someone is vaccinated and tested positive then they should be treated like someone that is not vaccinated that might have tested positive. They can be sent home. They can quarantine until they are deemed safe to return to work or school or whatever they were doing before. If we are to have rules that help us manage and navigate this pandemic then we should all expect to be treated equally, regardless of status.

But I am angry that the government, health official, and the media were allowed to spin vaccination and mandates the way that they have. They did not help foster kindness and compassion. They helped sow division and mistrust. They were not honest, they were not transparent.

~ Final Thoughts ~

I still don't know if the vaccine was right for me. I still don't know what risk the virus posed to me. I still don't know how safe the vaccine is in the long run.

How long might I be able to go without being exposed or ever getting sick? What if I was one of the ones with a mild or asymptomatic case? What if I was one of the unlucky people and ended up in the ICU or what if I died?

Even though I got the vaccine, short of getting tested for the antibodies, how well am I really protected? And with the delta dominating the field, is it enough? The delta variant is more transmissible, more infectious, but does it pose more of a risk to me if I hadn't been vaccinated?

There is no answer to a lot of these questions. I'm a unique individual and there are too many variables to count.

I will say, I was never really afraid of the virus. It was always the people that I feared. Somehow I could do more to protect myself from a microscopic virus than I could of the people who's voices I could never completely escape. Who's judgement grows louder with every passing day. It's people that seem to have afflicted me with other pains, and illnesses, and trauma.

The future is no more clearer than it was yesterday, last week, a month ago, or even last year. Perhaps my dad was right, I can only live in today.