Mixed Up World and Crazy Things

This have changed dramatically. Someone I was friends with, someone that I know is supposed to be married with a family, crossed some lines. I was willing to shrug it off and move past it if they knew I wanted no part in their feelings.

What they ended up saying to bothers me a lot. Sometimes more when I look at it, when I dwell on it.

I have great respect for people when they have families, when they're in relationships. A part of me feels safer around those of the opposite sex, like I can be myself and be friends and have a good time. I believe people are faithful. I believe the best of people and it's really disappointing when when someone turns that upside down.

I'm going to go over snippets of what they said.

“I have I guess what I will call an enormous crush on you.”

I think I've had crushes on people but I'm also pretty good at keeping it to myself and thinking critically about them at points. More so if it's inappropriate. I don't go around chasing people when I'm in a relationship, and I don't go after people that are in relationships.

“While there may be a part of me that wants more, there's so many problems or potential problems that...I don't want to even start going there now.”

This part bothers me a lot. What more do they really think is possible? This just implies a person that would literally leave their family to pursue some fantasy. I don't know where the live exactly but I know we're not in the same country.

It really bothers me that they seem to be thinking something might happen between us. That they don't even want to start going there now... what are they even thinking? Why do people do this? Why do they think this is ok? Why are they like this?

I know I pondering so many ways I could respond and was thinking of things like “you're married” or “I'm in a relationship” or other things. But I felt like I was just giving excuses or implying that if those things didn't exist then I might have felt differently. But I wouldn't. And I have to phrase my response in a way to convey that. Regardless of circumstances, I did not reciprocate these feelings.

After I mentioned this their response seemed reasonable. They seemed to accept this. It was something I'd expect from a mature, grown adult.

Some time later I was hosting an event and they were travelling and planned to attend while on hotel internet. This was going to be iffy but it seems the game played well during the day. However, during the event they just kept disconnecting and crashing out and it was really hindering progress.

They got really upset and eventually told me they were mad and sad and they were going to cry themselves to sleep.

Not thing kind of confession, and not the first time, they've said something like this. At this point, after their confession, I'm less sympathetic to this situation. I just ignored it, rolled my eyes a little, and carried on.

A couple days go by and I wasn't really talking to them, then I get inundated with a wall of text.

“As I’m writing this, I’m in a state of utter panic and am freaking out. I’ve been trying to pretend nothing is wrong for a day now. Worst case, I don’t know who I will have to talk to but I will have to find someone and I am going to be crying a lot.”

In some ways I can understand a person's mind going a little looping but this is just so extreme.

“I’m not quite sure what happened so abruptly on Friday, but your silence over the last two days has strongly suggested that you don’t wish to be in contact with me. I don’t know if this is permanent or short term, but in the event that it may be at least long term, if I don’t hear from you differently, this will be the last direct message from me.”

This just left me thinking so much for the conversation, the mature, reasoned ending from the night of their confession. Their crush. I thought it would be the end. You'd think if a person dropped something like that, and took in my response... You think they'd give a person some space, some room to adjust and get over this situation.

Not this person.

They seemed consumed by their own thoughts and feelings.

Some parts of me wonder how genuine this is. I wonder if I'm being manipulated in some way.

After this I just went about removing myself from a group chat we were in. I removed them from some friend lists I had. I blocked them where I could. I did what I could to minimize unwanted contact.

After leaving the one group chat a mutual friend mentioned they were contacted and asked if I wanted to know the contents of the message.

“As you can see, xx left. I know [they are] very upset with me and not speaking to me, probably permanently. I know a bit of the reasons why, but I don't think I know the majority of it.”

I know I never went into detail about what I thought. It takes some time to process and translate my emotions into words, into coherent thoughts. But the initial raw revulsion is a tad too much and really isn't appropriate. I try to be a nicer, reasoned person. But when I get pushed into a corner and pressed and pestered, maybe I just stop playing nice. Or I want to but never bite.

“I've enjoyed all the arena and dungeons I've run with you guys and would be happy to do so in the future, but I don't want to feel like I'm pushing [them] away, and [they are] clearly very unhappy with me being anywhere nearby. So for the foreseeable future, I will not be joining voice channels in [guild xyz] to run content if [they're] online at all.”

This just. This just sounds weird.

“Feel free to make/join another group chat or discord server if it's useful to you; I will not join. I'll happily run stuff with you if [they're] not in group and it's not someplace [they're] likely to join. I am sure this will be disappointing and inconvenient, and I'm sorry for my contributions to that outcome.”

I know I talked to a friend about this and they had their thoughts about it. Like they were trying to lay blame at my feet. That I'm the problem person. Maybe I can see how they might have seen that, taken it that way.

My other friend has kind of been through drama like this to some extent. They've seen it, been on the outside watching it unfold. I can see how they saw what they did in the text. I can see why they felt that way. I mean, I also know they have my back so maybe they see a slightly more negative and deceitful person that has written this.

It just annoys me so much that, in the gaming world it's so awkward to be a female gamer. I make friends and have better conversations with men. Maybe because we're on the same brainwaves. I'm not sure. I just find when they're talking about or how they talk to just be so much more interesting and down to earth. At the same time it comes off like I'm more interesting than I really am. That I might want more, might be seeking more. Not everyone thinks that. But those special cases.

This has just been hanging over my head. It has been bother me for some time. I just needed to get some part of this out. I don't think I really did a great job of expressing my feelings and thoughts. But I had to get something out there.