Gay Ray 6900™

“What is this?”
In his hand, Jake held a shitty plastic sci-fi raygun like you'd see in retro-futurist shit — gray with purple “waveguides.” On the barrel was written GAY RAY 6900™ in scratched-up paint.
Red looked over for a moment from reorganizing his nightstand. “Oh. I dunno. I found it on the ground outside some bar on vacation. I took it home for the, you know, collection.”
Red owned a lot of gay kitsch. It was all over their refrigerator, and their living room, and Red's bedroom. It blended into the background for Jake anymore, which had the side perk of impressing girls with his easygoing tolerance or whatever.
“What's it do?” Jake asked.
“It's a toy,” Red said, laughing. “Like, making fun of that uhh, Lavender Scare thing where the military thought the Soviets were developing a gay bomb? It doesn't do anything.”
Jake pointed the so-called “Gay Ray 6900™” at his palm and pulled its cheap plastic trigger. All he saw was some kind of pink-and-purple electrical spark between the point of the gun and his hand before his vision flashed the same pastel colors, and then he was on the floor staring at the ceiling.
“Holy shit!” Red shouted. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I'm fine,” Jake said, flexing his hands experimentally and without pain. He sat up. “What… was that?”
“It looks like the… gun?… gave you some kind of electric shock.” Red squatted next to Jake. “You're sure you're fine?”
Jake checked his flanks for tenderness. “You told me that was a toy!'
“Well, I never pulled the trigger before,” Red said. “Hey, speaking of which, can you walk me through your thought process there?”
“Huh?”
“Like, okay, you weren't expecting the gay gun to do anything. But why did you point it at yourself, instead of — I dunno — the floor? The wall?”
Jake froze. “Do you think it turned me gay?”
“Um.”
“Do you think it works? How would I tell?!”
“Okay, I really didn't sign up for the 'how do I tell if I'm gay?' talk tonight,” Red said, standing up, spreading his hands, and walking away. “Don't fall asleep until we're sure you don't need to go to the emergency room.”
“If I'm gay now, I got bigger fish to fry!” Jake cried, standing up himself. “You saw it, it wasn't a normal color for electricity or whatever, it was pink! If I zap myself again will it turn me back?”
Red turned back to face Jake. “Dude, how would I kn—”
Jake squeezed the trigger, sending a swirled pink-and-lavender beam of energy into Red, who stumbled back involuntarily.
“… Oh, that feels good,” Red murmured in a sultry tone.
“What? What do you mean it feels good?”
“Without going into obscene detail,” Red said, shaking his head to clear it, “I feel tingly, alright?”
The idea of that did… something to Jake's nether bits that he didn't appreciate, and he flushed. “Oh, no… I think it works.”
“Also, stop pointing that thing at people!”
Ignoring this very good advice, Jake turned the Gay Ray™ on himself and pulled the trigger once more. This time, his vision was only lightly tinted in rosy, dreamy shades, and warmth flooded his body. Suddenly, the room in which Jake and Red stood felt small, intimate, and electric.
“… I see what you mean,” Jake croaked, looking at Red's lower lip.
“Do we need to have a talk about gun safety, Jake? Do you need a talk about gun safety from me? Rule number one,” Red said, counting irritably on his long, soft fingers, “don't point a loaded gun at anything you aren't trying to kill! Rule number two: every gun is loaded until proven otherwise!”
“I'm gay? And the gun isn't gonna turn me back?” Jake's voice trembled.
Red paused. “Well, it's not called a Heterovolver™…”
“Red,” Jake cried in anguish. “What do I do now?”
“Oh, for fuck's sake.”

“Hey, remember that toy gun I found?”
“Huh?”
“The gay one.”
“Oh,” Archie said on the other side of the phone. “Haha, yeah, the Gay Ray™. What about it?”
“Turns out it shoots some kind of pink and lavender ray if you pull the trigger.”
“No kidding?”
“In related news,” Red said, voice strained, “Jake is gay now.”
“What?” Archie started laughing. “You pointed it at him?”
“Worse than that,” Red said, momentarily forgetting the spirit of urgency. “He pointed it at himself.”
Archie cackled stridently for several minutes, ending in a sound like trying to cough a lung out and back in. “Oh my god, why?”
“Fuck if I know. To test it?”
“I'm right here, you know.” Jake's voice was hoarse. “I can hear both of you.”
“Suck it up,” Red snipped, but walked further away.
“I take it he's not doing well,” Archie said, barely suppressing his laughter.
“No,” Red said, drawing his hand down his face, “and he's extremely annoying about it.”
“Have you tried zapping him again?”
“If you're already gay it just turns you on.”
“That is so funny,” Archie said without the slightest overtone of sympathy. “Well, thank you for telling me all this, and keep that gun far away from me.”
“You know, I was kind of wondering what effect —”
“Mary, I would kill you,” Archie said, “and then my wife would dig you up and kill you again.”
“Fair enough.”

Jake slouched in his armchair and examined the Gay Ray™. “At least with this thing I won't be lonely…”
“Ohh, no.” Red hurried over to confiscate the contraband. “You are not to be trusted with that thing.”
“Why not?”
“Are you serious?” Red reached for the gun, Jake pulled it defensively away. “After all that's happened tonight — look, just give it to me, it's mine to begin with —”
Red secured the gun, but it went off in his hand, and suddenly he realized how far he'd leaned over Jake. Worse, it'd hit them both, and Jake's wide, dark eyes were boring into his own.
With great effort and exasperation, Red straightened up — an unhappy pun — and backed away from the armchair. “Are you beginning to see,” he snarled through gritted teeth, “the ethical issues with this thing?”
“No,” Jake said, staring shamelessly.
Red rolled his eyes and walked purposefully over to his document safe to lock the wretched toy away. “God, I hate straight men.”

jlizard: im serious its called the gay ray 6900
ahegao_conwasur: Doesn't scare me. There's 2D men.
xXx_ihateyouall_xXx: watch out, there might be Anti-Hentai™ out there somewhere
ahegao_conwasur: No ethics review board would approve it.
ahegao_conwasur: … Right?