malkosh

mastodon: @malkosh@queer.party

Harm


Out, I need to get it out, There is a poison coursing through my veins Something in me is screaming To escape, to break these chains

The world is getting smaller and darker And threatening to suffocate me I'm trying so hard to survive it But there's no safety I can see

Maybe with your hand around my throat I won't feel like I am choking all the time And maybe if I'm bleeding and I'm bruised I'll forget the pain that kills me from inside

Please let me feel my bones break I'd rather have something to show Anything's better than this Sourceless torture no one sees and no one knows

Help isn't coming for me Have to save myself if I really want to live It's hard and it hurts, but for this There is nothing of my flesh I wouldn't give

So maybe with your hand around my throat I won't feel like I am choking all the time And maybe if I'm bleeding and I'm bruised I'll forget the pain that kills me from inside

Walk Like a Man

Concentrate. Lead with my shoulders Walk with a swagger and springy knees. My body is a weapon My presence is charged At the crossing I stand like the world waits for me I lock up my rib cage Sag my pants When I must speak it's in single words dug deep from my throat. Focus. Do not falter or shift my weight. Take up space confidently Don't look down Don't think of my hair Hide anything not carefully neutral Think it. Be it. They still call me She.

The fluorescent light click-clicks awake as the ghosts in the bathroom dissipate I look sick, I look sick in the mirror My reflection screams, I can't hear her

Its eyes are dull and I take my meds all my thoughts just barely inside my head I don't like this life, no, not at all So my heart cries out and I answer the call

I need to break free from this poisonous cage There is nothing left there is nothing but rage This body I wear is not my own I hate what I am and the seeds I've sown

I am bruised up and there's blood on my tongue There was always a chance I would die young I beg for the person I once was The fluorescent light answers with a buzz

I need to break free from this poisonous cage There is nothing left there is nothing but rage This body I wear is not my own I hate what I am and the seeds I've sown

Losing Sleep

I must have dreamt of a song Woke with a poem on my lips It didn’t stay very long Leaving behind an acid sickness

And all I can think of is yesterday, Blinded by flashes of tomorrow Well I don’t like looking much anyway I’ll take whatever I can borrow

Maybe it’s just the way I feel right now Leaking into my memories I’m losing words and I don’t know how But I hope I remember these

There’s not much more I can do But promise not to sing And stay awake with you Whatever the morning will bring

G.K. November 22, 2016

On Diction, and #language (Why do I always write this stuff at forsaken hours)


Every now and then I find myself thinking about diction. That is, the words we choose to use to express ourselves. Depending on what brought the thought to my mind, the train starts off in different directions, but I want to try and organize it a bit in writing.

A linguistical skeptic is likely to argue that words have no inherent meaning and therefore, is it really important what words we choose to use? The answer to this becomes clear as soon as you consider the nature of derogatory and pejorative language, but let's grace this with consideration for a moment. First we must take as a given that language does already exist, and there's nothing we can do about that. Language was an important development in human history- arguably the most important. According to some scholars, it is what sets H. sapiens apart from other extinct hominids and other animals in general. It's the reason we are what we are, without getting into too much detail. A blessing and a curse. But I digress. Yes, it's true that words only hold meaning because we decide that they do. But that sentence is deceptive. What I really mean is that language is a Social Construct, just like politics, money, and marriage. In a vacuum of course none of these things are meaningful or valuable. But we (humanity, or society, or whatever) have collectively agreed that these words mean what they do, in order that we can communicate as clearly as possible* what we are thinking. In fact it is entirely possible that we wouldn't even be thinking such complex thoughts in the first place if we didn't have language to the degree that we do. And so, sadly, we must not dwell on the question of meaning, because, well, it's fucking pointless.

*not very clearly at all, it would seem

Okay, so before I forget why I started writing this at all, I'll get to the point. So what made me think about diction this time in particular? Well, I was considering the impact of the words I and others choose, with regards to my own feelings. My mother likes to say that it's more important to understand the content of what someone is saying than the package they put it in. That is to say, don't get upset that it sounds patronizing or rude or aggressive, only get upset if they mean to hurt you by it. I fundamentally disagree with this position. I don't really feel like explaining why. Maybe some other time, but it feels more like a rant on how my father speaks to me...

Anyway. It's just really interesting to me that I avoid using terms that would be suitable or appropriate or simply convenient, for the sole reason that I want to be sure no one misunderstands me. The fact that I need a certain label for my relationships, so that I can be comfortable in them, despite them being exactly the same as a different kind of relationship. Why does “it doesn't matter if it's romantic or not” give me anxiety while calling my non-romantic partner “boyfriend” is completely fine? Why can't my heart be in it when I joke about being gay, when it's true that I am also attracted to same-gender people? Why do I sometimes feel like a “girl” or a “boy” but never a “woman” or a “man,” while the definition of these words do apply to me, an adult? Why am I comfortable being enby, but not comfortable being trans? And these are just the questions I have about myself!

The truth is, I don't have a clear answer. And that can be frustrating. Especially when I have to try and explain myself to people. It's hard to justify a preference in diction when other parties can't see the difference. There isn't much else I can say about it. Hopefully this has given any readers some mildly engaging food for thought. Goodnight!

CONTENT WARNING: BDSM, mentions of CNC (rape play), mentions of abuse play, mentions of masochism #malkinkosh


I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about kink, specifically BDSM, specifically D/s. It fascinates me from a psychological perspective, and from a personal perspective; as play, as sex, as power dynamics, as relationships... In every possible way. I won't write very much about it right now because – oh god, it's 5:22 am, why am I even awake – But I will probably write a few more things about it some other time. Here's what I have to say for now:

It's really amazing the kind of transformation I can undergo between my day-to-day self and my submissive self. I am generally an anxious, socially defensive introvert who overcompensates by displaying confidence and control. But none of that shows, to the innocent observer. If I hadn't told you, you wouldn't know. My aloof self-confidence and uncaring persona is just that – a character I have subconsciously created; my Public Self. It's what I want people to think I am.

The truth shines through, though, in the bedroom*. You might get to see it if you're the lucky dom I trust enough tonight. Because, when I feel allowed and comfortable enough to play this game, I can finally let the mask fall off. I can finally be weak. It feels natural, it feels real, it feels true. The question of what is my true nature, really, is one for another day. But as far as what I feel in the moment, that is who I am. Of course it comes along with all the fucked up thoughts about myself that frustrate me all day, but now I can accept it all, no matter how true or false. It's okay to be weak, stupid, and ugly. It's okay to deserve pain, emotional and physical. It's okay to deserve to be abused. To be raped. It's okay to want all of it. And I'm allowed to accept these thoughts alongside the knowledge that most of it isn't true. The friction between my irrational self hatred and my rational principles and morality is, ahem, lubricated. And I don't need to worry about it at all. At least, not for a little while.

The study of bodies in your mind, and what it means that you were born under Pluto’s light, or any of his servants’. (7 July 2017)


Between joy set and joy rise, these dark ills can be seen more clearly in the night sky They haunt, with persistent light, the sealed eyes of the sleep-deprived until the conscious door’s bound shut to keep them out.

As joy sets and joy rises, this new study of psychoastronology finds an unpredictable solstice, an imbalanced equinox As each passes, one day is a shorter longer louder quieter repetition of the last.

Joy sets, and joy rises, and in the twilight of happiness lies the fear of darkness, where the devil lies, and all those terrible minds come to hunt in your very own bed where only dreams can hide you.


#GMMXVIIK #malkoetry

22:40 20 JULY 2017


dont worry, love youre home now. and all the things you left behind have stayed there. they will wait for you to come back. but now you are home let peace enter before you and forget what is right for your nation.

you can rest here and you can rest here and you can rest here and you can rest here


#GMMXVIIK #malkoetry

That's Not In My Dictionary – Written: Nov 11 2017


This language that has no words for the things I wish to say, only beautiful blown glass ornaments useless in their breathtaking light

This language that has no words I have spoken it all my life saying nothing nothing but what I am expected to say

This language that has no words becomes hard and heavy like an irreparably broken and ancient machine as I try to move it with my bare hands to speak with a voice it was not made to carry


#GMMXVIIK #malkoetry

THIS – WRITTEN: JULY 9 2016


I feel like this:

Gentle wind, Quiet rain, Listen to this playlist- I feel like this.

I feel like this:

Stick to poetry, Cling to it. Listen, you’ve got nothing else. I feel like this.

I feel like this:

Almost nothing, Remember that forum user Who made you so angry? I feel like this.

I feel like this:

Empty air, They graduated without me, Without me, I feel like this.

I feel like-

Don’t touch, The walls are back again My door’s unlocked

-this.


#GMMXVIK #malkoetry