maninarchv

I’ve been staring at blank screen for days, trying to find the right words to say. There were many things I wanted to say at first place and I’ve decided to talk about it as soon as we’ll got reunited, but It may seems I’d rather keep them unsaid because I’m frightened I’ll end up nangis jelek in front of you, malu. So yes, at 2 AM on this wet gloomy night (It’s morning already though)— I wrote you a letter.

To be honest, I’ve been intending to write you a letter for a very long time, perhaps years ago ever since the days when we were young, together, and blinded by love, and also because we never got to have the closure we needed (although you may no longer need this), so this is it.

This ain’t a love letter for sure, perhaps a heartfelt letter. A 2,4k counted words letter to express lots of the unsaid feelings, unsent ever thoughts, as well as the unspoken truth within me that I’ve been keeping deep inside my heart for years. I personally think the peak part of this letter would be me expressing how much I cherished you all this time, and how important you were — and are — in my whole life.

The melancholiest.

The night thinker.

The most silly yet is big-hearted.

The man with the prettiest not-so slanted eyes. The man with genuine awkward smile that I adore the most, even now. The man who according to almost every classmate of mine, had a frigid man vibe and radiated so much vampire aura, yet his palm was much warmer than the right side of my fridge at home. The man who smelt like cigarettes, which became my new favorite smells back then, despite the fact that I had some respiratory illness. The man with bunch of quiet strength, strong desire to do right, and has such a huge love for others, not sure though whether he has recognized this side of him or worse, he hasn’t. The man who completely became everyone's 911, but had no idea who might do the same to him.

The man that you were — and are,

Axel Arman.

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Meeting you was the best thing has ever happened in my life.

I guess there is something beautiful about discovering and genuinely falling into somebody for the first time. About knowing them from the inside and out, and them knowing you the same way. You were the first of me for so many things; love, adventures, experiences, and yes— heartbreak. You were the first one who made me see life in different shapes and colors; the first one I could see living the rest of my life with. And I’ll be forever grateful It was you the first one I got to know.

Each time I see your pictures popped up on social media, with all the different things you’ve accomplished (masuk kristen salah satunya), It makes me happy in ways I could never have imagined. It makes me happy to see someone who played such a big role in my life, someone who taught me so many things aside, has now found his way of life and is lowkey still the same old person I used to know.

We no longer get to talk asking how each other’s day went, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still wonder about you. It could be something as common as how things are going, how life is treating you, whether you’re still doing things you enjoy, what your current thoughts and feelings are, how girls out there are treating you— and vice versa. Even though we were made to grow apart eventually, I still secretly look forward to the occasional text from you to catch up, still look forward to the days we might go out getting some Mixue together and talk about our tiring lives. A part of me wishes we had met later in life, when we both were more ready for such a thoughtful relationship, but a small, tiny part of me is happy with what we did have.

As I walked away that day, I didn’t just lose a lover. I lost a best friend, a soulmate, a youth life spirit, my first thought in the morning, my partner in all certainties, and gosh, I lost YOU.

But truth to be told,

I’ve been through a lot.

I’ve been through a lot, Xel.

I’ve been through things that I couldn’t told anyone about, not even my closest ones. I’ve suffered a river of tears that haunted me days and nights. I questioned my worth, as well as my dignity. I couldn’t do anything since every little thing here— and there had reminded me of you. I couldn’t go to places we had always gone to — yes, I’ve had on this phase too, but I couldn’t tell you how I felt the moment you told me It was hard for you to go to certain places, such as SOMA, because I felt the one who suffered the most was you. It’s been a long tough battle with post-breakup depression, trust issues, and overcoming my worst fears. I went through my toughest times all by myself while everyone, and probably also you, believed that I was all fine as if nothing had happened when I was actually not.

Wait.

Wait a second.

I guess what I’m trying to say is,

I loved you very. Very much.

And so It was tough for me, too.

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If you’re reading this, I ain’t gonna put the blame on you for anything that had happened, and I ain’t gonna pour the rest to myself either here. However, we both made mistakes, and It was all about different kind of mistake. Wasn’t that the case? We were both immature when we met, hence we were such dumb and dumber, but we eventually discovered that love is all about filling each other’s needs and talking openly with one another, and we were both terrible at it.

But now I think at the end of the day, everything happens for a reason. Even if we don’t immediately know why It happened right away, everything will make sense eventually. It could be tomorrow, next week, next year, or a decade later. It’s much more like at this age and stage, I finally have the ability to perceive that we were more than just mistakes we’ve made. In such a very young age, we were just pure, beautiful, and mean the world to each other. Weren’t we?

I still clearly remember the butterflies I got to feel the times we began talking and exchanging names, from the text messages on BBM to the day calling on Facebook. The moment our eyes met, and we fell in love right away. The excitement I got when we walked along the river (It’s DAM though but make it romantic) to your friend’s house immediately after Tarawih has finished. I even lied to my mother said I went to see Vina though the one I actually saw was you. The electric tension I felt for the first time ever the moment you wrapped your arms around me for seconds on the elevator. The first time I held your hand seeking for a corner on our very first kiss. The paced heartbeat of mine each time I see you smiling from a far while picking me up, then we were holding hands all the way home in the traffic light, laughing as if we didn’t have a single eye on the world and everything in it. At those moments, I could’ve died happily. It was such incredible experiences that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life, and the fact the one I’ve shared those experiences with was you made it even more incredible.

One day, I understood that the common popular internet quote you’ve probably also heard before “Everyone you meet is either a blessing or a lesson” was right though. But nope, you were neither a blessing nor a lesson. You embodied both of them. For me, you were both countless of blessing and great lesson to learn. And that’s okay.

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All I can say now is my apologize, Xel.

I apologize for those times I attempted to change you and all the times I made you feel lonely and less than; for not realizing there was nothing about you that needed to be changed. You weren’t a project that needed to be fixed, and I apologize if I ever made it seem that way. Please, never let anyone make you feel that way ever again. Because dear, you deserve nothing less but the very best.

and yes— I apologize for hurting you while I was hurting.

I had no idea what I was doing back then, but I’ve completely admitted It was just me being self-centered. It was just me minding for what I was going through only, which was so unfair to you back then as my partner. For real though, I should’ve appreciated you as I have to. I should’ve recognized that just because I no longer wanted to be with you, It didn’t mean you deserved to be treated as if you weren’t even worth a proper goodbye. The very least I should’ve done was explained the fire within me in person. But at the end, I didn't do it either.

Shame on me though.

Especially, for all the inconveniences I brought upon you which even made you feel anxious for certain things and places; for every shoulder you’ve cried on and mine was never one of them; for the countless amount of lack recognition I’ve done to you throughout the times when we were together, I sincerely apologize. I’ve recognized that I wasn’t acknowledging you as my partner enough, especially in the presence of my family, and It broke my heart into pieces knowing you’ve carried the burdens all by yourself, It must’ve been tough for you to bear all along.

One thing necessary, I’m sorry for not being able to recognize my faults sooner; for took so long for me to acknowledge them, and to finally have the enough courage to face you, and to apologize wholeheartedly. I couldn’t understand it back then, but now I know that people who love each other could hurt each other too.

Words aren’t enough to express my apology. That’s very bad of me.

And now— Thank you, Xel.

That’s a repeated phrase I’ve been meaning to tell you ever since the first time we met.

Thank you for being born; for being born into this cruel world that doesn’t even deserve a pure soul like you; for basically existing as who you were— and are; for opened up and shared yourself with me; for being such a silly; for letting me to be a small little part of your journey even if my role was too short for the chapter you’ve been through; for giving me the chance to love you wholeheartedly; for slightly welcoming me into your family even when I couldn’t ever do the same; for letting me experience the feeling of being in love and being loved; for all those boring yet delightful dates we had; for the countless amounts of unconditional love you’ve showered on me, as well as the endless saga of your understanding; for the rekindled friendship now we have; and for those times you made me the happiest.

You made me feel completely beautiful on days when I felt least confident, and because of that, now I know how to feel beautiful on my own without someone having to remind. By seeing myself through your eyes, I was able to start loving my asymmetrical eyes and bold enough to smile widely at times. I thank you with all I am for each aspects of our not-so long but remain-forever-in-me relationship we had. My love wasn’t perfect, and neither was I. Thank you, because I didn’t ever deserve your love but still, you loved me anyway.

In 10, 20 years ahead from now on, I could still be looking for your name on the Facebook’s search bar to see whether you've accomplished everything I've ever secretly hoped for you. Because even though we were lovers at one point, we were also friends, and friends want the best for each other. To say you’ll always have a special place in my heart sounds cringe and cliche, but It really is. And now I think It’s safe to say that I’ve never regretted a single moment spent with you. I’ll forever cherish our memories, and will be forever grateful to the universe for bringing you to me at one point of life, and even now. Even if I don’t fall in love ever again, I promise you that I’ll always be happy because I was pleasured and privileged enough to met true love once.

At this point of life, I hope you find the kind of happiness that exists on your own terms. I hope you take the time to figure out what moves you, what inspires you, what you genuinely desires in life— and that you have the guts to pursue it. I hope you have the guts to think that you’re deserving of all you love, that you’re capable and worthy enough of creating the kind of life for yourself that ignites something within your soul.

Realistically, I do hope you realize how big and powerful you are, Xel.

You see beauty in the lives of others — as well as the stories they tell. And now, dear, I hope you know that as you’ve got your eyes and ears to them, you’re also deserving of being seen and heard. As much as you’re being kind and present to others, I do hope you could also being kind and present to yourself with all your heart. You love others so well, don’t you? You can see where the light shines through; now may you know as well as the same love you give, you’re worthy of receiving, too.

The very least, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

———————

Sincerely,

The girl who immediately threw your confession paper away back in elementary.

— Manina Hibatillah Hasanin.