Ambiguity
Over the past little while I've kept an open mind to this place. I only commit to a small set of viewpoints and opinions; the ones I do commit to I hold with intense obstinance. And all for good reason.
But I've found that without a cohesive over-arching view of my current days, a certain general This is How I View the World, I amble and wander everywhere. It takes forever just to come to an opinion about everyday pedestrian events simply because I don't have a base world-stance to fall back to.
This wouldn't be a problem, not really, except for the times when I want to actually get somewhere and accomplish something. Sitting down to work on some grand thing those times usually means getting distracted, never focusing, and usually not getting a single thing done that I set out to do. In many ways, it's similar to my times in high school — finding nothing but bullshit around me, therefore nothing to get interested in and nothing worth focusing on. I played the “game”, e.g. doing just enough homework to get a C in the class (and settling with a D if it was more demanding). Later in life, this again manifested when my previously-exciting job turned completely uninteresting: show up in the morning very roughly on time, focus more on appearing like I was working, stay after hours to read shit on the internet (what a go-getter); rinse, repeat.
I'm not sure what the right answer is—if there is one at all. I have remained open-minded in my most opinionated, outspoken times (this is mostly what I don't want to lose). But I also have to interact with this world every day and encounter people I don't necessarily want to spend time around. I am constantly watching every word I say to stay in line, stay out of trouble. I've handed over much of my autonomy in the name of maintaining the status quo. Stay the course, stay calm, stay professional, stay drowned in money, stay friendly, stay boring.