Theory Of A Death Worker

Hello, Hi, I'm the asshole, it's me! (I'm trying new greeting formats; bear with me.)

I return again with bitching of a possibly sensitive nature. You all know it, some of you hate it: Religion! I don't usually bitch about religion on the count that it can make some people react irrationally (I will not be providing examples, see www.reddit.com/r/religiousfruitcake for details) religion and I have always had a bit of a love/hate relationship; as in the religious idiots in my life loved to hate me for who I am. I've come to the revelation (heh) that despite my past with it, I'm still kinda religious. I don't like to be without my rosary (despite my Gods' continuous reassurance that I'm OK). Just recently, I had a mini panic attack when I realized I'd left it at TSA and may not have time to retrieve it. I actually considered saying fuck the flight! Thank Gods I have a friend who puts up with my bs. I still find myself asking silly questions sometimes with my pendulum, just to be sure I won't burn forever once I've finally shoved off this mortal coil.

My previous Church made me hate God. (due to their terrible understanding of archaic writing) I found solace in the arms of a Goddess I couldn't name in Wicca. (I would later learn that this was a Goddess called Asherah, wife of Yahweh.) I continued with this until having an odd experience with a God that wanted to claim me, (which I stupidly mistook for a demon attack) and running full sprint back to my Church's grubby, groping little hands. Looking back, this is not a good look on me. Thankfully, the God that tried to claim me (Veles) looks back on this as humorous.

This strange will they/won't they with alternate beliefs would continue until my 18th birthday, in which my abusive bitch of a step-grandmother, would finally die. After that, I gradually began exploring the fact that I had certain abilities that my Church claimed were from the devil. I explored them in secret because I still lived with Church members until I turned 19, then I moved in with my cousin. My abilities skyrocketed due to my near constant exposure to the dead, his girlfriend who is a psychic medium, and her cousin who's a witch. I gradually began to be able to comprehend not only other's thoughts and feelings, but spirit forms as well! I thought it was my imagination until she started confirming what I saw. I sort of teetered between Gods during those 10 or so months.

Then there was Washington. I ended up having to move due to my step-uncle being pressured and attacked by the Church, it sucked, but it had to happen for my next burst of growth. I moved into a room in the house of a friend of a friend in Centralia, I began experiencing attacks within a few days: nightmares, vivid dreams of my death, banging on walls and callings, scratching, growling, voices. Y'know, typical haunted house bullshit. One experience freaked me out to the point a played a recorded exorcism prayer on repeat all night. I had an attack by what I know understand to be a shadow entity, it didn't want me there and tried to force me to leave. I didn't. I wasn't about to let it chase me out, I knew in my gut there had to be a reason. I stayed with the old man until another roommate moved in, the activity only worsened when he showed up. I stuck it out for as long as I could but ended up leaving when I found out the roommate was a serial rapist. I would like to note he had a lot of dark shit attached to him, the old man had been having nightmares before he showed up, they worsened when he moved in.

I also began attending a local pagan group at a shop in town, I still attend as it's been a great way to make friends. I met a lot of interesting people, also around this time I began identifying as christopagan. I found that I didn't really hate Jesus, just his followers. Then my Boyfriend died. This prompted a shift of faith, I effectively told my Christian deities where they could stick it and promptly reignited things with Veles. I eventually came to have a good relationship with them when I realized they were still around, I even bought a pendulum, so I could get more straightforward answers! The answers I got confirmed that my old Church was indeed following a false God (It's called the evangelical egregore, which I will explain in another post) I began to redevelop (and redefine) my relationship with the divine. I was able to confirm that yes, my other Gods were here to stay, and no, Yahweh, Yeshua, nor Sophia had any issue with that!

My abilities blossomed after that, I can even communicate without the need for a pendulum now! (I still use it as a visual aid to show I'm not talking out my ass) Steadily, I began to be able to do more stuff, like Reiki and finding lost items. Then my best friend died. I knew it instantly, a feeling of dread, and there she was, in all the gory detail that comes with being shot. I nearly caused my friend to have a wreck when I screamed, thank the stars above he was well-used to this shit by now. It took me a bit to accept that I wasn't crazy, I even went on medication to try to get rid of her, to no avail, of course. It's just normal now, she's still here, we even still talk. I began dating her brother not that long after, we were both hurting, so it made sense that we could possibly heal each other. Then he was killed by a cop in L.A. (if you haven't sensed the pattern by now, then you still have a small shred of innocence, savor it.) I see him too, but it took time.

Now we get to the juice part, God-a-palooza! I don't even know what made me interesting, maybe it's the cloud of tragedy that follows me everywhere like a weird umbrella of death. I don't even remember which one was first, I think it was Santisima (Santa Meurte) It went from a steady drip to a dam bursting, every couple of months it was a different God or spirit of some kind. I couldn't see them as anything more than flashes in the beginning, a strong thought, a feeling that wasn't a feeling, a shadow or phantom in the night. After a bit, I began to see them as clearly as I did spirits, full in form and carrying all the Grace and Might a being of their status should! I've also had them appear casually, in sweatpants or jeans, barely recognizable as divine save for the ring of golden light adorning their heads. Hell, as I write this I can feel Odin's presence, Lugh sits just outside, smoking a Virginia Slim on the wing of the plane!

I also have the ability to channel spirits and Gods, I use it when I meditate sometimes. I used it last night when somebody needed advice on how to deal with an energetic issue and I didn't have the answer. I understand the controversy around this, and while I may not be able to put the stigma to bed, I am going to try and dispel some fears and confusion. It's not painful or even uncomfortable, (for me anyway) it's actually quite nice, like a divine blanket covering your soul. It kinda feels like I take the backseat while the deity uses my corpse to speak, I am aware, but I can't really interfere. It's not forceful, if I really want them to leave they will. I've had people describe what I'm like when it happens, I've already asked my psychiatrist if it could be DID, they seem to agree there are distinctions between that and this. And no, I don't get any power-ups, they are limited to my body's capabilities.

It's been an interesting journey, going from fearful protestant to still-kinda-freaked out mystic weirdo. The fact that it's nowhere near over both scares me and excites me, I think my Gods/Goddesses reflect on that as well. I don't know what the future holds, but I'll face it with them by my side!