What if I am unlovable?
When someone asks you if you wanna exclusively date them, it is always a situation that fills you up with emotions. Some good, some bad, and some that you do not understand, and then you have to sum all of them up and make a decision. What goes through my mind is mainly fear. “What if this doesn't work out? What if the other person is more interested than I am? What if I end up ruining everything like I always do and people get hurt? What if I get attached and then the other person realises that I am not worth it and leave? What if I don't have any feelings anymore to give? What if, ..., what if, ..., what if, ...”
Therefore my first instinct is to run away. It makes things easier, for me and for the other person, they don't get the time to get attached to me, so the rejection won't hurt too bad; and I don't have to discover that someone else will leave me, as I feel everyone always does, and I don't get to disappoint someone else.
Maybe the reason I run away from love is because I have this deep fear of being unlovable, and since when I love, I love with my whole soul, I am afraid of actually giving it a chance, to protect myself. I think I said it before already, but I guess that from what I know love comes with a lot of expectations and duties, and I don't think I can handle them. I think that love is conditional and the only type of truly unconditional love I know, is the one for a child towards its parents. A child will have to be gone through serious trauma to not love his parents in general, and will fight until it isn't able to anymore to always love them, and still with adulthood this love can become conditional. All other kind of loves are for a reason. A parent loves a child for a sense of purpose or has some expectation of what the child must do or grow to be, a lover falls in love with some aspects of another person and often more than enough, with the relationship more than the person, a friend loves another for a sense of community and so on, you can always find a reason why someone loves you. The problem is that when there is a reason, if you don't reach the requirement of that reason anymore the love fades away. I am pretty sure that sooner or later I will break under the pressure; I won't have anything left to give, therefor I won't be able to reach any of those reasons and people will leave me.
I know those are fears and that I should just let myself go, but what if I fall, and this time I won't be able to get up, I have been hurt many times, I don't know how much I can survive anymore, and I don't know if I have anything left in me to give.
So now, when a person that I am attracted to and have a great time with every time I see asks me to asks me to actually start something serious, the only thing I can answer is “can I think about it”. Do I have the strength right now to take this leap of faith in something I do not trust, do I have enough inside of me to be able to give some away, do I feel loveable enough not to become toxic, or will I just destroy this person?
Hey everyone, I am so sorry if I haven't been writing anymore, I have been very busy with my studies, and just in a weird place in my head lately, in a few days I will talk more about this, but for now since Valentines day just ended I wanted to do a blog about love, hope you all passed a great day and that you are taking care of yourselves.
Lots of love, Maybe I don't have a soul