Day 80 Yeah I know this one is really late but I don't know. I don't really have an excuse other than I've had a busy yet quiet day today. I was mainly keeping to myself, no comms or checking of the phone throughout the day, I didn't really use it to talk to anyone until about 10 I think it was when my friend called and I know I said I wasn't going to go out but I thought a little fresh air would be good and then at the end of the outing, had another long chat with him about life I suppose. It really hit me this time around.
For the last ¾ hours now I've just been laying in bed prolonging my sleep again. I don't want tomorrow to come but it's already here, I'm feeling anxious and empty and scared. Thoughts running through my mind about things that in all honesty are pointless. But it keeping me up and I can't stop. So I literally spent all this time on YouTube distracting myself and before I knew it, it's already 8am. I saw the time but I kept delaying and delaying. For what?! What good is it going to bring me.
I feel like I've let myself down, and let others down. I keep talking about the same shit everyday like it's going to make a difference and it's not going to affect me. But I hate the position I've put myself and the place I am in life. I hate the useless talkings and actions of those around me, I feel like I've given up on myself, I'm feeling so lost and frustrated.
My mind, my mind is trying to kill me. Not literally but mentally and emotionally and spiritually. I feel so lost. It's the same nonsenses everyday and I was supposed to have taken this time to separate from it but I've failed myself. I feel sick to my stomach with myself.
Who am I? What do I want? What drives me? What makes me happy? What makes me content?
I don't know anymore and I'm driving myself to insanity and further isolation within myself. I have no comfort or solace. I have no inner stability or peace. I have no contentment of me.
I can look at others and view progress or lack thereof even regression. I can see a clear linear path they've taken through actions and mannerism and speech they disclose. But why can't I see that for myself? Am I being blind on purpose because I know how low I've sunk. Or is it genuine confusion. Why are the actions of others making me feel upset? Why aren't I more focused on improving myself? Why must I self sabotage? Why do I have sadness overwhelming my heart?
I know I need to slap myself out of it and take steps towards getting better. But why? What difference would it make when in a couple of months I'll just feel the same way again. What's the use of trying? What's the use of me?
I don't know anymore. Perhaps it's an identity crisis, where the person I once thought was me is no more. Or perhaps it was never there in the first place. Just a facade.
Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about