mr.gr3y

expressions of absurdity.

The purpose now, Fulfill the need; The desires, the reasons, the place to bleed; Gone. My duty complete. Let it go? The time still screams, The voices guiding the distant blow, Is that so? Is that so?

Now, Please, Return my place, My home, Among the shells of past, Hollowed out familiar friends, Floating round the grave-less rains. Bring the next one forth In time, I'll await from the deep. Hold the ghosts; The known – the given, The tossed aside and sunken need, I remain, unknown, This is home. This is home.

It didn't feel like it at all. I guess that's the crazy thing about getting older. When you're a kid it's this huge event and it actually feels like your birthday. You have parties and your friends come over, there's cake and ice-cream and probably even some decorations. But now it's just like any other day. I get a few text messages here and there – most forgot or didn't mention anything. And I just hang out by myself all day and do whatever I want.

I went to lunch with my mom which was nice. We went to a Mexican food chain that's really good and sat outside away from the rest of the people and just talked for a bit. We don't really talk too deeply about anything – my family aren't much of great talkers – but in our way of talking, it was nice to hang out. I really love my mom. Sometimes I get too caught up in the past view of her I had when I was growing up, which was the view of a parent – an authority – instead of a real person, a human, who was younger than I am now when I look back on most of my childhood memories.

After lunch, I went shopping and spent a ton of money on new clothes that I need for work. I have to dress up quite nicely (although I downplay it a bit) and I have needed some new clothes for a while and have been putting it off. It was a good $250 for a few items from H&M. Most of their stuff doesn't fit me as I'm so tall. It's hard to find clothes that fit well.

Afterwards, I went home and cleaned up my house quite a bit. A new friend of mine wanted to sync up and she came over in the evening. She really loved my house and seeing all my plants in person (my entire house is full of plants), as she'd only seen photos of it all on Instagram previously. We decided to get some Thai food and watch a movie from the 80's called Starman. We laughed about how silly it looked and some of the acting. I'm sure people in the future will do the same to the movies we find fantastic now.

I don't mind hanging out with people. It's nice to not be alone and all that. But at times, I can't help but think that I'd rather be doing something else instead. Sometimes I feel I have to be all extroverted and peppy in order to entertain them or make sure their emotions are acknowledged or whatever. I felt a little of that earlier. I kind of just wanted to sit in my little office space, put on some good tunes, and write or play some games or something.

I've been in 'hiding' for a while now, so it's probably good for me to socialize a bit more besides with my employees. Or, maybe not? Maybe I need to go deeper into the solitude – deeper into myself – and really figure some sh*t out. I don't know.

I guess I'll just go with the flow.

I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off for 4 days, and I am absolutely dreading the idea of it. My boss is coming out this week to chat, and I think I might mention that I'd like to transfer to another role or company (as we have a bunch of different companies in various industries under our umbrella). Getting some time away from the job has helped me realize how stressful it is, and how unfulfilled I feel with it all. I've been in this job for almost a year now, and I haven't felt fulfilled in it. In fact, I feel dreadful at the thought of having to go into the office and pretend I'm extroverted and only have one emotion (happy) while people are assholes to me all day. It's not the best experience. So, maybe if I put it out there I'd like to be considered for anything else that comes up, it might lead to something better that I would enjoy more. Who knows. Worth a shot anyways. Worse case, I keep going at what I'm doing and figure things out as I go. It sounds crazy, but the Universe has a way of things working out in one way or another. So far I haven't been stuck for too long in something I've dreaded. Opportunities and changes happen when it appears to be time to do so. Learning to put my intentions out there and then trusting the process of it all unfolding has become a big lesson for me over the years. This time is no different.

I'm also considering taking some online coding classes so I can learn how to do some of that world and maybe change up my career entirely. We'll see.

It's late and I'm rather tired, so I'm going to call it a night so I can get some sleep and not be groggy all tomorrow.

Give love. Be love.

/mg

Last night was an incredible night. I went to my best friends house as they were doing a little get-together for me (a little birthday party). We ate some delicious food, had tons of snacks, played guitar, talked about life and love and consciousness, and sat around a fire-pit until the early hours of the morning. It was incredible. We spoke so deeply with each other, about our struggles, life lessons we've learned, and bawled our eyes out a lot of the time, as we opened up and let our soul's bleed out through our hearts. It was one of the best nights I've had in a while. I've never really had a friend like this fella before. But to top it off, his wife is also amazing, and all their kids have become like my own. The whole family is just beautiful and I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

I feel like the third-wheel all the time, but that will only be temporary, I'm sure. Soon enough I'll have my own person to share experiences with – and to bring along to these fun times.

I'm rather tired today, as I only slept a couple hours. But man, do I just feel so much gratitude towards life. I'm full of love and appreciation for everything.

I've got a bunch of stuff I need to do for a few hours, so I'll write more later.

Be who you are – and that is Love.

/mg

You know what's funny? As huge as I am into the topic of privacy and digital security, I live 10 minutes from the NSA. In fact, I drive past their building twice a day.

Also, fun fact, I did a FOIA request on my own identity (Freedom of Information Act) and they said they “cannot confirm or deny the existence” of any surveillance or information being collected on myself. Same with the CIA, DOD and FBI.

I'm not doing anything worth any one of those groups creating and maintaining/updating a 'file' on me – although I'm sure in some form or another I'm on some type of list. Also, I didn't say I'm not doing anything illegal or suspicious – because technically I certainly am – but those events and actions aren't anything crazy and certainly not being done for the purpose of profit. I'm not a big fish in the pond, per say. They like the big fish. I have no intentions of growing into a big fish either. In some form or another, we're all breaking the law in various ways.

Oh well..

Today is dark and grey. I'm glad I decided not to go camping, as it's clearly going to be raining all day today, or at least looking gloomy AF. I slept in until about 8 am, which is my normal sleep in time, sadly. I wanted to go longer, but once I'm awake, it's all over. I'm sure I'll do a nap or something later. I don't really have any plans today and will just 'wing it' all day. I just downloaded a new series called the Handmaids Tale, so I may dig into that a bit. I love cult movies/shows and that was recommended to me by one of my employees. I also just finished up one called Wild Wild Country on Netflix about the cult of the spiritual teacher, Osho. Pretty fascinating.

Other wise, I'm going to find the newly adopted kitty and spend some time with her, locked in the bathroom or something again. Slowly trying to get her more comfortable with this place, but I have a feeling she's going to just hide all the time. So it's almost like I never got another cat at all. Maybe I should get like ten more just to make sure there's a good ratio of cuddly to scaredy cats. I think I'm heading towards a life insanity anyways, so I might as well start collecting cats now.

Well, it's about 8:56 am right now. I guess I better get up and take care of a few errands this morning and then chill the rest of the day. I've got a busy day planned of doing nothing – not sure if I can fit it all in.

More later...

/mg

I'm taking a few days off in the next few days, giving myself a 4-day weekend. It's mainly for my birthday, as I like to take some time off and just do something on my own – ie., to see a bunch of movies or go hiking, or something. The weather is supposed to be rainy, so camping is now out (that was the original plan though). I'm kind of bummed out about it, honestly. But now I'm going to hang out with my best friend and his family and just chill for one of those nights. The rest of the time, I think I'll just hang at home, watch a bunch of movies, eat as many pizzas as I can, and enjoy my solitude.

The work day has been very slow, which I'm so happy about because I have zero motivation or care about the day today. I'm already checked out in my mind, so I'm just getting a few necessary things done, helping anyone that comes in or needs something, and then being quite chill otherwise. It's been nice. However, the office AC isn't working so it's getting rather warm, which I hate. I'm just happy the clock is moving along and getting closer to when I can get the hell out of here.

Remember how I said the other day that someone that I wanted to get to know wasn't responding to me, and basically cut me off out of nowhere? Well, guess who messaged me yesterday!?! I sent this person a note on their Instagram, in response to one of their stories (a selfie, of course) and I made a comment that they are beautiful – or something sly like that. I think my exact message was “I know I'm not supposed to reach out to you, but f*cking hell, you're beautiful”.

.... I know, right!? I'm awesome.

This person then said, “Aww, you're the best ever. Thank you! (heart, heart, heart).

I wrote back and said that this person should message me on Signal (the main messaging app I use) and that we should try again and be friends.

They said, “Deal :)“.

I couldn't believe it. A message popped up a few minutes later on Signal.

I don't think anything will come of it. I highly doubt it anyways. I mean, I'm open to being surprised. But, with this person, I've learned that there are plenty of other important things going on in life rather than creating a new relationship – even if not the romantic type. It bugs me, because I'd be all for it. Once I decide on something I go all in and make it happen, offering up all the time and resources necessary. I don't deal with with “flaky” type approaches towards situations or people in life. If I want something, I go for it. I make it happen. I create reality instead of just hope it 'works out' the way I hope it does. So, in that regard, I'm struggling a bit with how they are approaching things.

I don't think I've ever really been much of a priority for someone, except for when they feel lonely or need money.

As crazy as it is though, I've tried to just let it go and forget about it. But, for whatever reason, this person always pops up in my mind and would be the only person right now that I'd want to give my time and energy towards. Everyone and everything else can suck it. When compared to the glorious beauty and freedom of solitude, not much could sway me away from that, but somehow, this person has gotten my attention and has done so quite strongly.

Again, we were chatting for a while (months ago) and started to hang out a bit. It was going very well, and I thought “OK, here we go.. this is happening and it's going to be good.” We both opened up quite a bit and the feedback I got from this person about where they were at, and what they were feeling as well, was superb and matching mine. But then, out of nowhere, this person just disappeared. Texts went unanswered or were days delayed and super vague, and then they just disappeared. I had no clue why. I tried to ask what happened – if I had done something wrong, or offended them, or scared them, etc. – but no response. Even now, I still have no clue why. I'd like to know... but whatever.

But, now, a couple messages have been exchanged again, randomly. Does it mean anything? I doubt it. As much as I'm ready to just open up and jump right in again (I have the problem of doing that too soon and too deeply). I'm still being cautious and hesitant, and will remain so unless this person really “puts on the moves”, per say, and really shows some interest and chases after me a bit. I'm usually the one that does the chasing. I've never known what it feels like to be the one being chased after.

What does it feel like to be loved in a way where you aren't just their accessory to keep them from feeling alone? What does it feel like to be someone's entire world?

/mg

//1:54 pm

It's such a beautiful day today. It's warm outside, the skies are blue and gorgeous and there's a gentle breeze. I love it. Too bad I'm stuck inside an office all day. I also had a 3 hour long training meeting this morning which was a total waste of time. It was a training meeting that was almost an identical one to the basic intro one we got when we all were first hired. So, not much value there. We all learned more from each other raising new points, or even stating contradictions within the corporate way of doing things, as opposed to the actual training material. Either way, I was able to get out of the office for a few hours, which is nice.

Also, I'm off this Friday and Monday for a long birthday weekend. I'm hoping to get out into the mountains and do a little hiking and camping. Or, I'll just stay home and eat pizza like crazy and watch a lot of UFO documentaries or something. Whatever.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good today. Yesterday I was so out of it. Reality was glitching in a lot of ways, as I noted in some of yesterdays notes. Today it's happening a bit still, but not as badly. When I turn my head it's like my consciousness is sluggishly catching up – so there's a delay in processing (or at least that's what it feels like). Where little hollow points of my being seem to be felt in my brain for a quick second, and then things seem to sync up again – like quick spurts of dizziness and lag. Oh well. I knew it would be like this once I decided to phase out the anti-depressants. Those things always f*ck you up when you get off them, slowly or not.

We'll see how the future goes with trying to switch to some natural plant medicines. There's a few variables that come into play with it all. First of all, I'm brand new to it. I've had a few experiences with these substances lately – within the past couple months – and my decision to switch is based on those experiences. The results were amazing and with little to no side effects. Second of all, I've had to juggle a bit of the moral side of things in terms of that topic.

I, like most of society, has been brainwashed into believing those types of things are bad for you and will destroy you. I've been researching into these substances heavily for a while now, and it's clear that we've been flat out lied to. Cannabis, for example, is far safer than aspirin. And 'magic' mushrooms, are even safer than cannabis, carrying the label for the safest substance we know of. All the studies that have been done on these substances, carried out by big name universities, all show incredible results for the treatment of so many things, such as depression, PTSD, anxiety, seizures, Alzheimer's, and even shrinking tumors and eliminating cancer.

Slowly, more and more people in the U.S. are waking up to these facts. More and more states are starting to legalize cannabis, with mushrooms being tossed around for legalization as well. I 1,000% support the use and legalization of these substances, in addition to others such as LSD. Again, it's not just hippy talk. It's all based on scientific study and research, which is proving the safety and tremendous effects of these substances. We as a society need to wake up and embrace these technologies (again, I classify these as natural technologies), and need to dissolve the stigma and stereotypes associated with them. These can literally save lives. It's immoral to NOT legalize these substances as it can so profoundly change the medical industry, business and economic industries, and our world overall.

So yes, I will be illegally treating myself with natural plant medicines as a way to save my life. I literally mean the seriousness of that statement. It's literally something that will save my life, and so many others that I know as well. That's something I've had to simmer on for a while and come to terms with. I've had to make the decision to take the risk to do so. It risks my job, as if I were to get drug tested, I'd be let go. It risks my family and friends, as some are still stuck in the old pattern of thinking (while most take the same views I have now). And of course it's a risk with the law. But with all of that taken into consideration, I've decided to pursue it. My life and my ability to have a normal, healthy, functional life is worth those risks. I won't be going crazy with it all. I'll never sell it, abuse it, or anything of the sort. The attention drawn to myself will be minimal, if any at all. But I've decided that I'm worth it, and so are so many others. I'd hope that you, as part of our society, will allow yourself to have an open mind in regards to these topics. Educate yourself. The science is there. We were lied to. And now we need to take the steps to create a new and better society.

End of rant. ;)

Back to work. More later...

Give Love!

/mg

@Mist3rGr3y

//1:44 am

I just stayed up late and watched the movie, Red Sparrow. It was an interesting movie – a good spy flick. It wasn't anything amazing, but entertaining enough. I made myself a bowl of spicy noodles, and cuddled with a bag of lemon Oreos as well. Overall, I didn't want to sleep, because going to sleep means waking up in what feels like seconds later, and then I have to go back to work again. And that's exactly what I don't want to be doing. So, I stay up late in attempt to avoid the future. It always comes though.

I guess I better sleep though. I am feeling a bit tired. And even though I'd like to delay having to go to work again, it'll come before I know it. And I'd rather feel energized enough so it doesn't drag on more than it has to. There's coffee there though, which will work wonders as it always does. I'm already looking forward to getting off work tomorrow (err.. today).

Also, fun note, I'm happy to see that this site is listed on PrivacyTools.io – a great resource showing various tools that are all privacy focused. Everything from operating systems, social media platforms, and of course, writing tools, such as this. So, bravo to Matt for creating this site and having the foundation of privacy. I hope this site only continues to grow and develop further.

You ever try to connect with someone but they don't seem to show any interest in connecting back? I have a person that I've been trying to get to know, but this person has been quite resistant in responding to simple messages. I guess I have to take the hint and just let it be, but for whatever reason I'm having trouble accepting that. We started off talking and got along so wonderfully. Things were going so well. And then, this person just disappeared, and I have no clue why. That's all I've been left with – the questions and confusion. What happened? Why did this person just start 'ghosting' me? I have no clue. I've tried to ask, and get answers, but they go nowhere. I'm rather bummed about it.

Oh well, I guess. What am I to do? Maybe I'll adopt another cat. And this time, maybe one that won't just hide all day and all night. Should I become a crazy cat person? I'm bound to be crazy either way, so I might as well choose which version of crazy I want to be. Crazy cat person? Crazy tin-foil hat wearing conspiracy person? Spiritual robe wearing nut-case person?

So many good choices...

Sleep time now, dearest internet. At least you're always there...

/mg

//8:34 pm

I'm sitting in my backyard right now. The sun has mostly gone down. The outside sky is fading into a cool blue tone. The temperature is finally cooling down after the hot day. I have a gas fire burning in front of me, shaped like an old wooden barrel. The sounds of planes are above me as they fly into my city, mixed with distant sounds of some of my neighbors going about their business. I even hear a few birds chirping somewhere near, which is f*cking amazing.

Today was rather, 'off'. Work was busy and I was highly annoyed and irritated with just about everyone. I've decided to stop taking some of my anti-depressant meds for a while, so I feel really disassociated from reality – almost like glitches in the matrix, so to speak. I'm doing it for the purpose of trying other medicines shortly – natural plant ones – which I feel will be far more beneficial without the crazy side effects. Coming off of meds – especially those type – really f*ck you up. Some people can't do it and they become slaves to them. I don't want to be that way. Do they help? Yes. Does that mean they're the best option? No.

I've been feeling rather lonely as well. Besides the people I deal with at work – my employees and the customers that come in each day – I spend the rest of my time in solitude. I have two cats – one of which is newly adopted and still scared AF about everything and just hides away. For the first few days I searched for her and tried to do what I could to help her along, but now I think I'm just going to let her be and do her own thing. She can come out of hiding at her own pace, and trust when she wants to trust. Maybe she'll always want to remain hidden away, and that's fine. I'm the same way. I mean, look at me writing on this anonymous site. Aren't we all hiding something? Don't we all have things we wish to secure away from others? Absolutely. Anyone who gives the bullsh*t excuse that they 'have nothing to hide' is an absolute liar and delusional. We all have things to hide. Anytime someone tells me that line (especially while on the topics of government surveillance, privacy and security) I tell them that if they really feel they have nothing to hide, then they should feel just fine about giving me their passwords to their email accounts, bank accounts, the passwords to their cellphone, or even their home security system password, and so on. Not one person has a good reply after that.

Solitude is amazing. It's addicting, yet tormenting. I crave it when I don't have it, and when I do have it, sometimes I want to keep it, yet share it with someone else. That kind of sounds contradictory, but, fug it. We are all contradictions.

About Sept/Oct of last year, a 6-year long relationship came to an end, abruptly. It wasn't doing so well in the months before, and when I look back I can see things were just on autopilot for a while, so it's not really a surprise. But yet, it still hurts. We created a life together – this other person and I – and it all ended. Now, I remain in the broken pieces of that collapse. The house we had was in my name, so I kept it. A lot of the items that are still here, were ones that I had before or purchased from this other person upon them leaving. Hell, even a lot of the same decor and items are still in the exact place as they were left when we were still a 'thing'. It's like time itself became frozen in so many ways, and I still have to look at it daily. Sure, I change things when I feel up to it. It's not that I'm purposefully keeping things the same. For the most part, I don't care. A lot of it is 'out of my way and out of my mind' type deal. When I need access to a room where things still remain from that time period, I remove them or adjust as necessary. But again, I don't really care. I'm rather minimal with my living habits. I don't require a lot of space. The house I have is a three-floor town-home, when really, all I need is a studio apartment. I thought of selling the house and just renting an apartment, but the housing market is crazy right now. A 1-bedroom apartment is more expensive than the mortgage on this place. So, I figured I might as well just keep it.

I think I just make bad decisions sometimes. I choose to allow people into my life that aren't... hmm.. how should I put this? They aren't good for me, in the long run. And it's probably the other way around too. I know I'm not good for them as well. I carry my own weight and offering of disappointment and pain. I hurt people. I upset them. I create suffering for them. I guess I just realize in a lot of ways that it's no wonder I'm in the place I am right now – mid-thirties, alone, and unsure of so many things. I get that I'm creating myself each day, as we all are, but f*ck... sometimes it's hard to not think that I should have had SOMETHING figured out by now, ya know? Shouldn't I have something that I've done right?

My journey has been an interesting one, for sure. I'm not upset about it, honestly. When I get all introspective and sit and question life, sure, I can find things I'm unhappy with. And I can sit here and write about it as though I'm this sad, depressed, lonely person and have my focus be on what I don't have instead of what I do have. I don't mean to come across that way. I only write about it all because I think it's good for me to do so. And plus, I'm bored AF so I might as well have a conversation with myself, in a way, where I let what's within me come out so I can see it in front of me. I think we all need to do that more often. We're all too scared to peek behind the curtain and take a huge whiff of the sh*thole we've created for ourselves called, Truth. It's too easy to play the victim. It's too easy to rely on ignorance. It's too easy to pretend.

Well, my fire just ran out of gas. It slowly simmered down and just shut off. I guess it's time I get a new tank then. After all, this was the first fire of the year, so not surprising the gas tank is empty. I had a lot of fires before winter last year.

Well.. sh*t... now I'm kind of bummed out, and with it being so late in the evening now, it's not worth it to go and get a new tank. So, I guess the fire only lasted for a few minutes tonight. But, that's ok.

I'll call this journal entry good for now. Maybe more later... if not, then more tomorrow.

Give love. Be Love.

/mg

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

– Shakespeare

Dear Anon,

I found your post on read.write.as (which is found HERE).

I wanted to reach out and offer a reply, not so I could say things and give you advice, per say. But merely so you knew someone read what you wrote, understands and has been there as well. I wanted to let you know that you've been heard, and I feel for you.

I don't know you, obviously. You don't know me, obviously. We're two total strangers on the internet that have chosen to use this site as a place to let our souls bleed on to the screen. But yet, in a way, we've come together now and share a little 'space' together. Whether that space be built on a shared pain that we've both experienced, or however you'd like to term it, I feel it is a 'space' nonetheless.

It's clear you're going through a rough time right now. Maybe you have been for a while now. You mention how unmotivated you feel, how low and empty you feel, and how it seems there's no end in sight. That's hard to experience. It becomes even more difficult when you realize you're aware of those feelings but yet still feel 'stuck' or unable to find a way out of it all, even though you desperately want to.

From what you describe in your post, I know the feelings you're going through. I've been there for most of my life at various times. I've struggled with depression for as long as I remember. Now, I find myself in my mid-thirties, with some cool stories and successes under my belt that I should feel satisfied about – ie., a loving, kind family, a great home, a good job, and all the luxurious that I could ever want. In comparison to how the majority of the world exists, I'm lucky as shit and should be overflowing with joy. But yet, the deep, dark, hollowed out feeling of nothingness pops up and buries me down into a sticky pit of tar-like despair.

Some days, I haven't been able to get out of bed. Some days, I've thought of ending my life and just calling it quits. It's not that I've wanted to die. At times it's just seemed like the option that was less scary than facing the demon that haunts me so routinely, and apparently will haunt me forever.

For me, meditation has been an essential practice that has helped tremendously. I'm the type that likes to face things straight on – bluntly facing reality and myself and calling bullshit on my excuses. I began the study and practice of meditation more than 15 years ago, and I'll forever continue that exercise daily. Does it alleviate the depression and anxiety? No. But it helps me see things more clearly. It helps me realize that who I am is not those labels, those feelings, those thoughts, that circle around my mind constantly, feeding off every particle of my hope, dreams, happiness and my overall being.

I'm not sure if you've sought after professional help before or not. If not, I highly suggest you consider it. I'm not one to favor the pharmaceutical industry, but having gone through what I have, finding some medication has been essential to my survival. I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I think no one else should either. There's a huge stigma surrounding mental health, and I think we all need to be better at burning that shit down as quickly, loudly and proudly as we can. I sought after professional help and have tried many different medications. Most didn't help at all. Some made it worse. But I'd pay attention to my mood, feelings and overall state of mind and drop it once I realized it wasn't going to work and would ask for something else. Finally, I've found one that works wonders. It's been a life saver. That darkness that you find yourself in, has now been flooded with light. And when a light shines in a dark room, you're able to see everything within it. And what I found there was pure, absolute, uninterrupted, unconditional LOVE. It's been there all along. I couldn't couldn't see it. I couldn't experience it.

If you haven't already, highly suggest you reach out to a professional and speak openly about your situation. Try some medication and see if it helps you. If not, try another. Believe me, it's not worth it to remain in that endless pit of hopelessness and despair. I know it feels like you're stuck and can't get out, and even the thought of getting out of bed each day can take every ounce of energy you have within you, but I know you can do it.

Never give up.

Love is there.

You're not alone.

With love and compassion for you,

/mg