// 7:50 am
Good morning.
I didn't add any further notes yesterday because I kept busy with a variety of things. And plus, to be honest, I'm keeping this blog rather secret. So trying to write on it with others around will cause some questions that I don't want to be asked. It's not that I'm revealing anything about me or my life here that isn't appropriate. But, it is something that I guess you could say is a “safe space” for me? A place where I feel open to write whatever I want, at any time, and I'm not bound by any rules of a specific identity, especially my own. It's a wide open slate and I can express whatever I want, however I want.
Usually with my online blogs, other people know about it, who also know who I am in real life. So if I express something that isn't within the boundaries of the identity as they know me, it can cause some shock and awe. I've been through phases of intense drama before because I had written about my life openly, sharing thoughts and ideas, opinions and experiences, and the people who really knew who I was would get offended at certain opinions, or pushed away at certain views, or even just hurt because I didn't write about some event in the way they'd prefer I did, etc. You get it.
Having a phony identity is liberating in the online world, and allows more open, true, honest, expression.
So, I spent a good amount of time with my girlfriend yesterday afternoon, and even though I was on my laptop while she was watching some spiritual show on Gaia, I knew she could see my screen. Often times when we're in similar situations like that, or even when I'm on my huge geek station in the wide open area of the main floor, she'll question me on what I'm doing or looking up, etc. She's just curious, and trying to be involved in my interests. But, sometimes I just need uninterrupted time to let go, be creative, and not have to come out of that space to explain what I'm trying to do within that space. I get rather annoyed at it, honestly. But, she's trying to be a sweetheart, and so I smile and explain my internet and geeky shenanigans. I wanted to write a bunch of things, but let it go.
I'm waiting for coffee to brew as I'm writing this. My lady is still asleep, which is rare. Usually she's up earlier than me and makes us coffee. But, given she's in her lady time and probably feeling miserable, I decided to get up (when I naturally woke up) to feed the kitties (three of them) and get coffee going, plus to get a few quickie minutes to write out some thoughts.
Today I'm hoping to spend some time getting my new tent ready to go. As I live in a townhouse, and don't really have a backyard area that is large enough to set up this monstrosity of a tent, I need to use my brother's house, which he gladly offered, and is excited to see as well. I'll be going over there this afternoon to use his yard. The tent is 10'x14' and about 6'6” high. It's a monster. But I wanted a large and luxury setup as I already have several super light backpacking small setups. I'm 37 years old now, and I'm not a “mountain goat” anymore, where I climb straight up the mountain sides and camp in random places, like I used to. I now prefer the more luxury car camping setup, and love just getting out in nature without having to climb the mountain and fuggin' prove to myself that I can do it!! AHH!!.
Oh, the 20 yr old versions of me were fun. I guess I'm just old now?
I'm also hoping to get some alone time today to put the headphones on and go into one of my imaginary worlds that I intend to write out as a book, but have yet to really do so. I've been listening to the soundtrack from the movie, Blade Runner 2049, and it has some good tunes in there that match the world, texture, mood, and overall feel of the world I've created. Sometimes I put on the music and just go there, running through endless different scenarios in my head – which is what I spent a lot of time doing yesterday.
But, as I'm a raging perfectionist, I almost disable myself in making any progress because I run through endless versions of storyline ideas, characters, and what-ifs, and get stuck, trying to decide which one is the perfect one. Then I get frustrated at myself, and set it aside again. It's something I'm really trying to be better at.
Well, I'm going to get some coffee, take some to my lady upstairs, and sit outside for a few moments to enjoy the sunlight – screen free.
More later...
/mg