Dear Anon,
I found your post on read.write.as (which is found HERE).
I wanted to reach out and offer a reply, not so I could say things and give you advice, per say. But merely so you knew someone read what you wrote, understands and has been there as well. I wanted to let you know that you've been heard, and I feel for you.
I don't know you, obviously. You don't know me, obviously. We're two total strangers on the internet that have chosen to use this site as a place to let our souls bleed on to the screen. But yet, in a way, we've come together now and share a little 'space' together. Whether that space be built on a shared pain that we've both experienced, or however you'd like to term it, I feel it is a 'space' nonetheless.
It's clear you're going through a rough time right now. Maybe you have been for a while now. You mention how unmotivated you feel, how low and empty you feel, and how it seems there's no end in sight. That's hard to experience. It becomes even more difficult when you realize you're aware of those feelings but yet still feel 'stuck' or unable to find a way out of it all, even though you desperately want to.
From what you describe in your post, I know the feelings you're going through. I've been there for most of my life at various times. I've struggled with depression for as long as I remember. Now, I find myself in my mid-thirties, with some cool stories and successes under my belt that I should feel satisfied about – ie., a loving, kind family, a great home, a good job, and all the luxurious that I could ever want. In comparison to how the majority of the world exists, I'm lucky as shit and should be overflowing with joy. But yet, the deep, dark, hollowed out feeling of nothingness pops up and buries me down into a sticky pit of tar-like despair.
Some days, I haven't been able to get out of bed. Some days, I've thought of ending my life and just calling it quits. It's not that I've wanted to die. At times it's just seemed like the option that was less scary than facing the demon that haunts me so routinely, and apparently will haunt me forever.
For me, meditation has been an essential practice that has helped tremendously. I'm the type that likes to face things straight on – bluntly facing reality and myself and calling bullshit on my excuses. I began the study and practice of meditation more than 15 years ago, and I'll forever continue that exercise daily. Does it alleviate the depression and anxiety? No. But it helps me see things more clearly. It helps me realize that who I am is not those labels, those feelings, those thoughts, that circle around my mind constantly, feeding off every particle of my hope, dreams, happiness and my overall being.
I'm not sure if you've sought after professional help before or not. If not, I highly suggest you consider it. I'm not one to favor the pharmaceutical industry, but having gone through what I have, finding some medication has been essential to my survival. I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I think no one else should either. There's a huge stigma surrounding mental health, and I think we all need to be better at burning that shit down as quickly, loudly and proudly as we can. I sought after professional help and have tried many different medications. Most didn't help at all. Some made it worse. But I'd pay attention to my mood, feelings and overall state of mind and drop it once I realized it wasn't going to work and would ask for something else. Finally, I've found one that works wonders. It's been a life saver. That darkness that you find yourself in, has now been flooded with light. And when a light shines in a dark room, you're able to see everything within it. And what I found there was pure, absolute, uninterrupted, unconditional LOVE. It's been there all along. I couldn't couldn't see it. I couldn't experience it.
If you haven't already, highly suggest you reach out to a professional and speak openly about your situation. Try some medication and see if it helps you. If not, try another. Believe me, it's not worth it to remain in that endless pit of hopelessness and despair. I know it feels like you're stuck and can't get out, and even the thought of getting out of bed each day can take every ounce of energy you have within you, but I know you can do it.
Never give up.
Love is there.
You're not alone.
With love and compassion for you,
/mg