I'm sitting in my backyard right now. The sun has mostly gone down. The outside sky is fading into a cool blue tone. The temperature is finally cooling down after the hot day. I have a gas fire burning in front of me, shaped like an old wooden barrel. The sounds of planes are above me as they fly into my city, mixed with distant sounds of some of my neighbors going about their business. I even hear a few birds chirping somewhere near, which is f*cking amazing.
Today was rather, 'off'. Work was busy and I was highly annoyed and irritated with just about everyone. I've decided to stop taking some of my anti-depressant meds for a while, so I feel really disassociated from reality – almost like glitches in the matrix, so to speak. I'm doing it for the purpose of trying other medicines shortly – natural plant ones – which I feel will be far more beneficial without the crazy side effects. Coming off of meds – especially those type – really f*ck you up. Some people can't do it and they become slaves to them. I don't want to be that way. Do they help? Yes. Does that mean they're the best option? No.
I've been feeling rather lonely as well. Besides the people I deal with at work – my employees and the customers that come in each day – I spend the rest of my time in solitude. I have two cats – one of which is newly adopted and still scared AF about everything and just hides away. For the first few days I searched for her and tried to do what I could to help her along, but now I think I'm just going to let her be and do her own thing. She can come out of hiding at her own pace, and trust when she wants to trust. Maybe she'll always want to remain hidden away, and that's fine. I'm the same way. I mean, look at me writing on this anonymous site. Aren't we all hiding something? Don't we all have things we wish to secure away from others? Absolutely. Anyone who gives the bullsh*t excuse that they 'have nothing to hide' is an absolute liar and delusional. We all have things to hide. Anytime someone tells me that line (especially while on the topics of government surveillance, privacy and security) I tell them that if they really feel they have nothing to hide, then they should feel just fine about giving me their passwords to their email accounts, bank accounts, the passwords to their cellphone, or even their home security system password, and so on. Not one person has a good reply after that.
Solitude is amazing. It's addicting, yet tormenting. I crave it when I don't have it, and when I do have it, sometimes I want to keep it, yet share it with someone else. That kind of sounds contradictory, but, fug it. We are all contradictions.
About Sept/Oct of last year, a 6-year long relationship came to an end, abruptly. It wasn't doing so well in the months before, and when I look back I can see things were just on autopilot for a while, so it's not really a surprise. But yet, it still hurts. We created a life together – this other person and I – and it all ended. Now, I remain in the broken pieces of that collapse. The house we had was in my name, so I kept it. A lot of the items that are still here, were ones that I had before or purchased from this other person upon them leaving. Hell, even a lot of the same decor and items are still in the exact place as they were left when we were still a 'thing'. It's like time itself became frozen in so many ways, and I still have to look at it daily. Sure, I change things when I feel up to it. It's not that I'm purposefully keeping things the same. For the most part, I don't care. A lot of it is 'out of my way and out of my mind' type deal. When I need access to a room where things still remain from that time period, I remove them or adjust as necessary. But again, I don't really care. I'm rather minimal with my living habits. I don't require a lot of space. The house I have is a three-floor town-home, when really, all I need is a studio apartment. I thought of selling the house and just renting an apartment, but the housing market is crazy right now. A 1-bedroom apartment is more expensive than the mortgage on this place. So, I figured I might as well just keep it.
I think I just make bad decisions sometimes. I choose to allow people into my life that aren't... hmm.. how should I put this? They aren't good for me, in the long run. And it's probably the other way around too. I know I'm not good for them as well. I carry my own weight and offering of disappointment and pain. I hurt people. I upset them. I create suffering for them. I guess I just realize in a lot of ways that it's no wonder I'm in the place I am right now – mid-thirties, alone, and unsure of so many things. I get that I'm creating myself each day, as we all are, but f*ck... sometimes it's hard to not think that I should have had SOMETHING figured out by now, ya know? Shouldn't I have something that I've done right?
My journey has been an interesting one, for sure. I'm not upset about it, honestly. When I get all introspective and sit and question life, sure, I can find things I'm unhappy with. And I can sit here and write about it as though I'm this sad, depressed, lonely person and have my focus be on what I don't have instead of what I do have. I don't mean to come across that way. I only write about it all because I think it's good for me to do so. And plus, I'm bored AF so I might as well have a conversation with myself, in a way, where I let what's within me come out so I can see it in front of me. I think we all need to do that more often. We're all too scared to peek behind the curtain and take a huge whiff of the sh*thole we've created for ourselves called, Truth. It's too easy to play the victim. It's too easy to rely on ignorance. It's too easy to pretend.
Well, my fire just ran out of gas. It slowly simmered down and just shut off. I guess it's time I get a new tank then. After all, this was the first fire of the year, so not surprising the gas tank is empty. I had a lot of fires before winter last year.
Well.. sh*t... now I'm kind of bummed out, and with it being so late in the evening now, it's not worth it to go and get a new tank. So, I guess the fire only lasted for a few minutes tonight. But, that's ok.
I'll call this journal entry good for now. Maybe more later... if not, then more tomorrow.
Give love. Be Love.