I thought I published a few posts yesterday, but I realized this morning that I started several posts from different computers, and even my phone, but never finished any of them. So, I tried, in a way, but failed miserably.

Way back in the day I used to write on Tumblr, and loved their mobile app as I could post quickly and frequently with text, photos, or whatever. Tumblr now is nothing but a puke-fest of reblogging images and memes, where text-based blogging/posting is a thing of the past, which is what brought me to finding Write.as in the first place. Plus, in searching for a privacy focused alternative to any writing platform or note-taking app (as I was trying to drop Evernote at the time – now using Joplin).

This site doesn't have a mobile app apparently, except for one that is several years old and only meant to publish anonymously. I've been experimenting with using my phone with a small Bluetooth keyboard, which has worked wonderfully for general writing. It makes it easy to have a slick writing device with me, and not have to use a laptop. Sure, I have to keep a small Bluetooth keyboard in my bag, but it's super light and I don't notice it. Or, with the phone, I can use voice to text. The success rate isn't the best, but it's doable. But, in thinking about it, most of my days are based around some computer being easily accessible. It's cool to know I can use other ways quickly and easily to write or post or do whatever. As long as I hit publish, I guess, instead of starting drafts on 4 different devices throughout the day and never sending any of them.

Yesterday was a crazy day, which most Tuesday's are. But it seemed like there was extra craziness going on, with a few longer meetings occurring to get my new manager in place to run our farmstand, and do other shuffling and transitioning with other staff. A lot going on right now with the job. And I don't know if I was just exhausted, or something else, but I got into a very unmotivated and depressive mood last night and just slouched around, not interested in anything. Again, kind of one of those, “What's the point?”, kinda moods. Maybe that's why I didn't publish any writing yesterday. A lot of the time I sit and watch the stupid curser blinking and wonder what is the point in writing random thoughts out? Who cares!? It does nothing. But then I look at most things in life, and you could say the same thing about any and all of that too. A lot of what we do has no point other than just doing the thing itself. Or because it's all we've known our whole lives, and we do it just because we do it. Even take some other random thing, such as listening to music. It has zero point at all except to just enjoy the flow of it. The point isn't to get to the end of it, or else we'd rush through to get the final note of the song and feel satisfied in a weird way that we 'successfully made it through the song'. But, we like to dance and just be and flow and all that, even if there is no other point beyond that.

I think life is that way too. Of course, you could insert one of those cliché quotes about the journey being the point, and I agree, of course. All of this is just a weird dance where we're just watching the changes in ourselves all within the present moment, with time itself being a total illusion. And all of it is entirely pointless and purposeless beyond just the experience of life itself. We're just being, and flowing, like through a beautiful song.

Understanding that can be the most beautiful and liberating thing you could ever realize. It can also be the most depressing and soul crushing experience. I guess it's up to the witness, and the experiencer of said events, to determine their own experience and how they want to approach it. One can dance through a song and play, and feel tremendous joy and gratitude. Or, you can sit on the sidelines, grumbling, judging, condemning, and pointing out how pointless it all is, and experience the opposite of joy.

I think we often experience the duality of that spectrum at different times of our lives – even within the same day – which is beautiful. I can even admit that sometimes I see life as the most beautiful and surreal experience ever, where I'm just radiating with magical hippie joy about the pure awesomeness of it all, blow away with awe and wonder, and feel overwhelmed with gratitude for every moment. Other times, I experience myself being the judging, condemning, critiquing asshole that's radiating with pure pessimism and rage, while rubbing off my own ego and dare even go to absurd lengths, such as blaming someone else for my own poor experience.

I guess last night is when I was spanking my own ego, and lubing myself up with my own self-created system of labeling everything as absurd, or something.

Tits McGee had a friend that invited her to a hip hop dance class, so she went to that after we had a quick dinner together. And from then on I was just in a bummer mood. Her leaving wasn't involved, I don't think. I think I was just exhausted or something, because after a lot of sleep last night, I'm feeling much better today and back to my normal goofy self. I do wonder if there's something deeper going on, perhaps just overall boredom with life, that I need to spend some time looking at more deeply.

I'll spend more time meditating on all of that and see what I dig up, or what's blatantly obvious and shouting at me that I'm just not listening to.

In the last few years, I've really begun to see how introverted I am, and to get a lot more clarity on my own levels of energy that I have each day. It's like a quota system of energy levels, which is refreshed after sleeping. And the quality and amount of sleep I get is what charges up that energy bank again. More deep sleep means I get a good refresh, and am recharged pretty well. Not a lot of sleep, or low quality of sleep, my mood and energy starts off very low. Then throughout the day, everything is like an energy financial system, where I have to pay my way through experiences and interactions with others by using my own energy as currency.

Team meeting, cool, that'll be 10 tokens please. Lots of planning and spreadsheets and math? That requires a lot of energy to power this failing brain of mine. Extra 5 tokens, please. Some days I only have 15 tokens to start with. Work may use them all up, and then Tits McGee may want to use another 20 tokens to hike and play, and do the dishes, and put on a viking hat and wreck her. And I may not have those tokens readily available, which ruins me, and creates a poor experience for her as well.

Usually I'm pretty good and don't have any issues. But sometimes, I think there is a slow decline in the energy, where across a week or two I all of a sudden notice that I'm in the negative, and it hits me hard. I'm wondering if I've had a little of that experience recently.

Caffeine is a wonderful cheat code to use in this silly game. But, it's more like a booster than a replacement for energy tokens. When the boost runs out, you realize that you were lower than you thought you were, and can plummet fast.

Camping and hiking is a wonderful way for me to recharge quickly. Just to get away from people and society and noise and human stuff. I think we're going to try and get away if we can this weekend, and recharge a bit. I need it. I can tell that Tits McGee needs it as well. And I'm stoke to use that new tent.

Well... back at it. More later...


mrgr3y at protonmail dot com