mr.gr3y

I've been trying to do more writing related to how I'm feeling. This is meant to help me become more aware of what's going on within me and to help me better adjust my goals, mood, and life-direction. I kept a journal for many years prior, writing in Moleskine notebooks every day, and I got in the habit of writing out a list of the events of my day, ie., I went to work, then I did this, then I did that, then I went to sleep, etc.

Although this process is nice in some ways to keep logs of various activities, I find it far more useful to log my ideas, my experiences, my opinions, and perspectives. After all, if I were to pass along some sort of journal to my kids would they prefer to read a list of things I did each day that was completely void of any personal depth, or would they rather read into my mind, my struggles, my worries, doubts and fears, and maybe, just maybe, get a better understanding of who I was, and am, while going through my life experience?

Either way, writing is a fabulous tool. Anyone that writes understands this. I'm sad I got away from it for so long. I'm trying to get back into a good groove where I can freely express more without writing about writing as I've just done above. Blah.

I had a very intense meditation session last night, which lasted for 8 or more hours. I do these once in a while where I go deep, purposefully wanting to peek around the rocks of my soul and see what kind of critters are lurking underneath. Sometimes I don't find anything and I seem to wander a bit, or just hang out in that space. Other times, I turn the first rock over and uncover a mountain of memories, trauma, and emotions that I've buried away for a long time that instantly comes crashing down on me like waves in the ocean during the startup of a storm. By the time you pull your head up for a breath, the next wave is about to smack you down and make you lose your balance.

A few things I've learned while going through some processing today, where I allow the subconscious mind to sort through everything that came up. I struggle with anxiety tremendously. Previously, I didn't give much attention to the thought of anxiety being an issue for me. I've suffered tremendously with depression my entire life, but I never really looked at anxiety as a source of turmoil in my life. But, now I see it all very clearly. I deal with a ton of anxiety and it often times debilitates me. It holds me back from making decisions of all ranges and levels in my life, from major changes with career or life paths, to simply hanging out with a friend or not. Often times I'm crippled and just want to hide away.

This new found awareness can absolutely help me address this more appropriately, clearly, specifically and compassionately.

Another meditation lesson that came us how I need to let go a lot more. I worry so much about so many things (back to anxiety again), and I like to have control over things to avoid situations going bad (again, anxiety). I also take on the weight and responsibility to make sure others are happy in my life. All these things are rather exhausting for me, which makes me want to hide away as well. (I apparently just want to hide away).

But, do I though?

Well, yeah, to some extent. My views and interests in society are rather poor the past few years. I don't have much ambition towards fitting into society and playing along with 'The Game' (this reality, society, the rules we humans have created and set for ourselves). I prefer to hide away and just do my own thing. In fact, my goal is to sell everything I can, downsize as much as possible, and disappear into the woods in one of those tiny-houses, living debt free, working simple jobs to make ends meet, and spending the majority of my time living. Huh. Such a strange concept, right? To want to spend the majority of my life-experience actually living instead of just playing the role of the slave and following along with the programming we all have.

I'm grateful for my new found awareness. It feels good to have one of those click moments where things come forward and make sense. But, beyond that, I'm glad I'm taking the information and utilizing it. I do want a new path, and new results, and this coming year I think will be one of further awakening, development, and life-creating. I'm not exactly sure what will be happening, but I have no doubt it will be big changes. Maybe in terms of my life-situation, as things are already starting to shift dramatically. But overall, the biggest changes will be with matters of the soul.

More later...

/mg